$10,000 Presidential Power Parlay: Ride or Die

President Warren G. Harding has always faded to detonate rather than fade away.

I would like to extend my personal gratitude to Urban Meyer, or “Le Papa de Dublin” as I’ve seen him described in the French Press this week.

Here I thought losing two parlays in a row would be the most humiliating act performed by a gray-haired scumbag in the state of Ohio. No, as it turns out, it’s getting videotaped trying to jam your thumb through a young lass’ jeans and into her asshole.

I mean, my god, this is the man that so many revered for winning a national title? He looked like a broken down dog, yearning for the freedom delivered by a bullet through the skull. Not that I would know anything about that.

In one way, I can sort of relate to Urban Meyer being horny enough in public and trying to use an ancient Roman Catholic sex move on a woman young enough to be his daughter while standing 20-feet away from a mural of him and his wife of 30-plus years in a restaurant bearing his name.

It’s sickening to see such rituals of life desecrated by a drunken suburban goof who didn’t know when to quit.

And so, I am reminded me that I would much rather initiate self-destruct mode than be caught slipping by some balding communist blogger in the Bottoms who has nothing better to do in life than laugh at the misfortune of others.

Unlike Meyer, I will gladly go do something else rather than humiliate myself for you ungrateful losers.

Here are my picks this week — mind you, I am picking these games on nothing but vibes.

• IOWA (-1.5) vs. PENN STATE

• Texas (+3) vs. OKLAHOMA

• Ohio State vs. Maryland (Over)

Penn State coach James Franklin on the road in a close game in the fourth quarter would be like Cinderella’s chariot exploding from a car bomb at midnight instead of just turning back into a pumpkin.

I’m a big fan of Texas coach Steve Sarkisian if for no other reason than that one time he guzzled a bunch of fireball and screamed at the pay pigs that propped up his shitty USC teams. Texas is back, baby!

As for Ohio State, it’s a cold day in Hell when I’m not confident in betting on the local team against a state most famous culturally appropriating the sport of lacrosse from Native Americans.

I will never return to these cheap pages if this parlay does not land, as I will be too busy evading the loan shark (William Howard Taft) from which I withdrew this $10,000 to place what could be the last bet of my career.

Thankfully for you hogs, that will not come to pass. We will talk in two weeks!

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