2020 List of Grievances
Blame the Columbus Division of Police for being a day late with this one.
HOUSEKEEPING NOTICE: There will be no Rooster dispatch tomorrow on Christmas. Go do something more productive than reading the ramblings of a mentally ill man. But please financially support my labors if you can.
Seinfeld. I realize the show created “Festivus,” but as Brian Cook of mgoblog.com once said, I am perpetually aggrieved. Anyway, as best I can tell, Seinfeld is a show about white people in… New York City? Sounds a lot like Friends, another 90s sitcom I refuse to watch. Probably chaps the real Seinfeld’s ass that producer Larry David went off and did his own show that was superior in every way.
People who drive big-ass trucks and SUVs. Obnoxious people who justify their ridiculously sized vehicles that poison our planet because they’re shitty drivers who live in terror of dying in a car accident.
William Christopher “Dabo” Swinney. Enough said.
People who lead a conversation with “Guess what?” I would have liked to left this tradition on the elementary school playground. I am not a mindreader and now you just wasted both of our times. Just tell me what you have to say; otherwise buzz off.
People who take more than five minutes at an ATM. If you take more than five minutes at an ATM, it should blow up in your face.
The Franklin County Democratic Party. They are “Woke Republicans” in my eyes. Absolute feckless losers who only won an election because they sucked shit all the way up the ladder and are now the capital class’ trusty servants at the levers of power.
The Ohio Legislature. Well, at least they didn’t strip the Health Department of legal power to close businesses when the next pandemic or public health crisis strikes. Unfortunately neither chamber did anything about HB-6, the wildly corrupt energy bailout that also guts green energy standards. Looks like the FBI will have to do the heavy lifting.
$600 stimulus checks. The Pope’s favorite economist rightfully called this “a crime.” The United States will have doled out a whopping $1,800 to its residents to survive a pandemic that government incompetence unleashed upon us. In Canada they have been getting $2,000 a month plus rental assistance since March. Take a bow, No. 1 Country in the World.
Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer (in that order). Combined age of these four dipshits: 304. The United States has been around for 243 years. I do not support term limits, but I do support age limits. Once you file for Medicare, you are making decisions for people that you won’t live to see. Go enjoy your golden years instead of spending your dying days clutching to power like Gollum. Unless I get to watch you all fall into a volcano in the near future.
Beer. It’s bloating and has like 7% alcohol. What is this, 10th grade? I’ll stick to vodka and spiked seltzer, thanks.
Ohio. Dying state ran by fascist conspiracy theorists. The Democrats are all corrupt on a local level and incompetent at a state level. Unfortunately I am resigned to dying here because climate change will render this state one of about 10 that are inhabitable in the next 20 years.
Baby Boomers. Always and forever. Not all of them are bad of course, just 95%. Don’t forget they did a bunch of drugs and had group-sex in the pre-AIDs era at Woodstock only to turn around and vote for Ronald Reagan and the War on Drugs while pulling the economic ladder up behind them. They should be disenfranchised at the earliest level.
Odious centrists. Their only job is to protect the capital class from the left wing of the Democratic party. They call leftist ideas “too radical” before watering them down and making them standard Democratic boilerplate 10 years too late. They have zero convictions other than believing West Wing was a documentary.
Michigan football. Are these bums even trying anymore? Look, I understand “The Rivalry” or whatever but I hate Clemson much more than this pitiful gang of nerds and their coach who realized the American dream of making $7.5 million a year to suck shit at his job.
Columbus Division of Police. Incompetent gang of people who got bullied in high school that now carry a gun and have the ability to put people in a cage. We spend all our money giving them all this fancy equipment and they can’t even clear 50% of murders in this city. Couldn’t even let Casey Goodson’s family bury their son and brother before they shot another man dead.
People who think hard work is all it takes to succeed in America. Their parents are almost always rich, and they’ve never once contemplated how their life might be different if they weren’t.
Anti-abortion zealots: Advocating for “the unborn” is the easiest thing in the world considering they have no demands and you don’t have to take care of them once they’re born. The entire movement is basically window dressing for white supremacy. If you’re against abortion, don’t get one. It’s as simple as that.
People who asks questions in attempts to go viral on Twitter. Annoying as fuck when #brands attempt it. Psychotic when random assholes pretend to care about what Bon Jovi song was playing when I got my first blow job. You mean you want your mentions clogged with strangers feeding you their mundane opinion and life experiences? Stay the fuck away from me, thanks.
Internet nerds who comment “who cares?” on news articles. Obviously you care enough to click on the article (thus giving the company ad revenue) and comment on it. Move along, nerd.
The Confederate Flag. You losers got your asses kicked and would again. You have no idea what it would take to start a Civil War in this country. Oh, and that militia group you train with every weekend? A third of them are undercover FBI agents.
Kyle Rittenhouse. I don’t believe in the death penalty unless it’s only for white guys like him.
TV Shows. There are too many TV shows. My god, how do these freaks have all this time to watch all these TV shows? No, I don’t need your recommendations; I’m perfectly fine watching 2-3 shows a year. I do not experiment.
The War on Drugs. Somehow still a thing despite learning the CIA flooded our streets with drugs and we imprisoned a whole generation of black men and yet our streets are just as filled with narcotics.
BONUS: People don’t like cats. I understand if you prefer dogs or lead a lifestyle not conducive to pet ownership. But straight up not liking cats? It would be less of a red flag if you told me you had 15 bodies of your high school classmates buried in the crawlspace of your house.
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