A Certain Kind of Criminal
I thought Ohio spending $50 million to recruit coastal elites was a bad idea. Somehow it's worse than that.
I heard about Mike DeWine allotting $50 million for an ad campaign aimed at coastal elites that highlighting Ohio’s “cheap” costs of living as a way of persuading them to move to Ohio, and I immediately thought “This is one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard,” and that was coming from a guy who saw two FourLoko Hard Seltzers on sale for two for a dollar and saw an investment opportunity,
The last thing I want is a bunch of coastal freaks moving to Ohio and jacking up expenses on the rest of it. I lose my mind every time I hear one of them bragging about the deal they got on their $1,800 two-bedroom apartment in the Short North. It is not cheap here; some of us just have the sense not to live and work in the most expensive part of the most expensive country in the world.
The idea to spend $50 million on commercials is somehow even worst than it sounds. Our state is literally taking our money and advertising to the most psychotic, parasitic people in America that Ohio is open for corruption.
We all laughed at Mike DeWine when he called Ohio a progressive state. But our “abortion is murder” dystopian social engineering experiment is indeed progressive for those for whom it actually works, and that is Evangelical fascists that live here and corporate executives that don’t.
Think about the type of person that lives in New York and could be persuaded, on a whim, to uproot their entire existence and move to Ohio for the sole purpose of paying a couple less cents on the dollars that you inevitably have to pay Uncle Sam to keep their ass out of prison. I would rather them advertise to fugitive serial killers. At least they will pay their fair share in taxes and there’s a chance that type of criminal will be frogmarched into prison.
The Republican Brain Trust doesn’t want people to move to Ohio. At least not in the way we think about it. They can’t maintain their status as a national party without Ohio’s electoral votes, so they’ve spent decades disenfranchising people that statistically vote against them.
They remember what happened to California, the state that sent Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon into the halls of power, and how gay communist dope-smoking illegal aliens overran their conservative bastion. They saw how Georgia, the state with an electoral system that was designed to prevent black people from holding statewide office, just sent radical liberal pastor Raphael Warnock and some weird Jewish gamer to the Senate.
Ohio doesn’t want people to move here en masse. They want to recruit white-collar criminals to enlist in their protection racket. We are spending $50 million in a pandemic to advertise tax fraud to sociopaths.
The other depressing thing, and this is beyond the overall point, is that once again Ohio looks like it can’t find a graphic designer to save its life. We either let children compete and brand statewide campaigns with refrigerator art or we overspend on grifter consultants using MSPaint in an obvious kickback scheme.
Drive on the interstate for more than 15 minutes outside of any “big city” in the state and you will see the vision of our leaders.
There are no passenger trains. You traverse a decrepit interstate surrounded by inebriated people listening to Rush Limbaugh and texting their real estate agent while captaining their own metal death missile at 65 mph in the left lane. One bad decision from them can kill you, or even worse cause you to lose two hours in a standstill while they get dragged to the hospital to be extorted by private insurance hobgoblins.
Every business as far as the eye can see is a corporation whose business model is taking money out of our state and transporting it the New York Stock Exchange to be sacrificed at the almighty altar of the shareholder.
Our leaders are not saying move to Ohio, raise your family here and send your children to public school and leave the state better than you found it. They are saying find some abandoned building, take your 30-year tax abatement, and list your HQ in Ohio so they can get cheap headlines about bringing jobs to our dying state.
I don’t think I’m asking for the moon. I could easily be lulled into docility by enshrining abortion rights, nationalizing healthcare, unionizing all work places, raising the minimum wage to $1,000 an hour, liquidating police budgets, adequately funding mass transit, demolishing the highways, opening the borders and legalizing recreational drug use, 24/7 liquor sales and sports betting. Oh, and imprisoning the landlords and reducing the standardized work week from 40 to 15 hours.
Is that really so much to ask of the richest society in the history of the world? The lizard politicians could have the rest of their cut and I promise I would stop writing mean words about them on the internet.
I realize Ohio is not the only corrupt government in the world. Corruption a problem that will plague all levels of government all over the world until our alien overlords mercifully put us out of our misery and no longer let us elect our own leaders.
I had naively hoped to at least owe my existence to a more interesting type of crook. Somebody that would at least have the decency to live in the neighborhood and suffer the indignity of getting hectored by freaks like me at the grocery store.
Our overlords don’t even live here. They bribe our dipshit politicians, pay local workers starvation wages with no benefits, then take their haul to the coasts. They lament the four weeks a year they have to spend in “flyover country” keeping their lemmings in line. Could you imagine actually having to live in Ohio? They would rather die.
And the worst part? We let them get away with it.
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"some weird Jewish gamer," describes me a little too well