Announcing the Browns Provisional Army

There are dozens of us, and we will outlast Deshaun Watson's NFL career.

I have never been embarrassed to be a fan of the Cleveland Browns. No matter the inevitable degradation to the game of football they put forth every year—including a winless season in 2017—I always felt pride in my team when I donned one of the orange and brown articles of clothing that are half my wardrobe. I

In my brain, which is in its best condition is the size of an overcooked chestnut that’s been flooded with drugs and alcohol for the last 20 years, I rationalized my dedication to my particular tinpot franchise by convincing myself the Browns winning the Super Bowl would make all those years of anger and depression would result in me being awarded 10% more dopamine than a bandwagon fan.

The Browns winning the big game is what I imagine heroin is like. A Super Bowl victory would be the crown jewel of my sports fandom, which has had the same effect on my brain as the aforementioned drugs and alcohol. I should have known the Browns would be able to find a way to taint the only pure dream I’ve ever had.

Cleveland traded for quarterback Deshaun Watson, the “servant-leader” as he calls himself by random chance of circumstanced happened to Instagram DM his way into a web of 22 women who are willing to perjure themselves for the fame and glory our society always gives to those who accuse rich and powerful men of sexual misconduct.

Just so we’re clear on the kind of guy the Browns now employ, here are three of the accusations against him If you haven’t, the allegations are worth reading in full. And remember, these are just the ones we know about.

Jane Doe 14:

During the session, the lawsuit alleges Watson brought the therapist to a room and locked the door behind them, prompting her to grab her mace. She claims Watson “chuckled” and the session proceeded seemingly as normal until she returned from the bathroom.

Watson aggressively dictated the massage. He asked her to massage his "glutes", to which she firmly said no. He then flipped over and removed his towel, revealing his erection.

At some point, Watson grabbed her hand and placed it on his erect penis. He also kept trying to direct her hand to his butthole.

The lawsuit claims Watson told the woman not to talk about the appointment, which she considered a threat.

Jane Doe #2:

They met at the Houstonian Hotel where he had a suite. The lawsuit alleges Watson refused to cover his penis with a towel, repeatedly encouraged her to massage there and kept aggressively redirecting her hands towards his anus.

Watson eventually got specific and said he wanted her to work on his inner anus. Plaintiff ignored this request because it was odd.

After again refusing to cover himself, plaintiff ended the massage and said she needed to leave. Watson then grabbed her arm and said, "it is ok, it is ok". Plaintiff said she needed to catch her plane and left.

She said Watson only paid half of what she was owed and later contacted her about getting a massage in Atlanta, but she didn’t respond.

Jane Doe #16:

At the spa, Watson immediately got naked and laid face-down on the table.

When massaging around his buttocks, Watson told the plaintiff not to be scared and to "go deeper". She declined. After this, Watson flipped over and exposed his penis. Watson told her to massage his groin and then brushed his penis up against her, which terrified plaintiff.

Watson told her not to be afraid to "touch him". She told him that she was not being paid to do that. Watson then responded that it was what he paid for. She declined and quickly ended the massage.

She said Watson only paid one-third of what he owed.

A lot of Browns fans claim since Watson is young, rich and handsome, which makes him the last person on Earth who would need to rape a woman for sex. I am begging these people to do 30 seconds of research into the conditions of sexual assault. It’s more about control than the sex.

When you read the allegations, you come to realize Watson wanted to isolate and humiliate vulnerable women. Almost as bad, he routinely stiffed them or partially paid for the original services he booked. This wasn’t a one-time occasion, either. This is a clear pattern of history.

Watson looked comfortable during his introductory press conference on Friday afternoon, in no small part due to the hours of coaching he inevitably got from Browns lawyers before facing the music.

Watson, General Manager Andrew Berry, and Coach Kevin Stefanski stuck to the script they had been fed. “We feel good about our work, etc. etc. etc.” Yes, they felt so good about their work that franchise owner Jimmy Haslam said he gave veto power over the trade to his wife and daughters. I wonder why he felt the need to use his wife and daughters as a morality shield when trading for a guy they swear is good people?

Watson showcased sociopathic abilities when he was asked if he would do anything differently in retrospect. No he would not. Would he consider counseling? Also no. “I want to show people who I really am,” he said as if he did not do just that.

It’s disturbing Watson couldn’t even offer a modicum of regret or reflection about a series of situations that embroiled him in national scandal and will likely cost him tens of millions of dollars (if not more) in civil court.

To say “everybody deserves a second chance” would mean Watson burned the first one. In reality he has been rewarded for his behavior. He got traded from a team for which he (rightfully) no longer wanted to play and signed the largest guaranteed contract in league history despite only participating in three playoff games in his career.

In my initial anger at the news, I was going to transfer my allegiance to the Buffalo Bills. I have now come to see the folly considering there are no moral NFL franchises, and the only reason the Bills didn’t pursue Watson is because they already have a talented quarterback who hasn’t been accused once, let alone 22 times, of sexual misconduct.

Enter the the formation of the Browns Provisional Army.

I will no longer attend Browns games in Cleveland. I will put my arsenal of Browns regalia into storage as I won’t have people thinking I’m pro-rape whenever I venture into the public.

I will no longer be the bombastic Browns fan that traveled from coast to coast watching a team that ultimately finished the season 6-10 and third in the division.

We are the baddies, now. The silver lining, however, is the decent chance that Watson, who has not played in over a year, struggles to regain his form of old. His one game in Cleveland, in the year he led the league in passing in 2019, he threw for 168 yards and lost 10-7 to the Browns. There is a reason he didn’t want to play in a cold-weather town until Haslam drowned him in guaranteed money. But that contract won’t protect him from the elements while playing outdoors on the banks of Lake Erie in December..

If Watson thinks the current circus around his sexual misconduct was hellish, just wait until he fails to perform for the Browns. Our fans will turn on him just like they have on every other stumblebum the franchise put in that position since returning to the league in 1999.

Most of all, I am praying the Browns do not win the Super Bowl with Watson as their quarterback. Watching our criminal owner write a check to avoid jail time for defrauding truckers already serves the narrative that normal laws don’t apply to the rich. At least Haslam has the decency to stay off the field.

The Browns Provisional Army were fans before Watson, and we will be fans after he remains. Unlike the Haslams, we did not buy our way into the tribe, nor do we see fellow travelers as business opportunities. Unlike Watson, we did not need the richest contract in league history to join the team (though that would have been nice). Neither of them know

We will take our fandom into the hinterlands to ensure not a single penny of ours lands in the team’s official coffers. We will watch games by illegal internet streams, as to ensure our eyes can’t be claimed in the official viewership ratings. We will celebrate every loss with Watson as cosmic justice being rendered from the heavens.

Our numbers means all of our effort will be insignificant, especially if Watson and the Browns start rolling. But unlike everyone involved in this trade, at least we will be able to maintain some semblance of pride by refusing to feel anything good about harboring an obdurate sex pest.

THOSE WMDs. Joe Manchin’s coal corruption is worse than you think… How one man helped desegregate London’s pubs… Sorry, I lied about fake news… How street trees can save our cities… This is what it’s like to witness a nuclear explosion.