Chinese Crabs Nabbed in Nasty Natti

Operation Hidden Midden kept the illegal crabs out of our great state.

When I am governor, the Monday following the Super Bowl will be a holiday for everyone except the bosses and landlords. I realize this helps nobody — especially on the Tuesday following the Super Bowl — but just know that’s a part of my platform whenever I run for office again.

I’m sure everyone here was looking forward to my searing political analysis of last night’s Iowa caucus. The truth is I wrote this hours before those freaks in Iowa began their weird esoteric dance that we have to care about every four years. That’s how confident I am that Senator Bernard Sanders ran wild on our enemies.

I’m not particularly jazzed to vote for another old white man for president. Unfortunately his competition left me no choice in the matter.

NOT IN OUR WATERWAYS, YOU UGLY ASS CRABS

One of the first lessons I learned from McGriff the Crime Dog is that crime doesn’t pay. What I didn’t know at the time was that McGriff was a cop and therefore inherently full of shit.

If crime didn’t pay, most people wouldn’t do most crimes. Instead we live in the real world where you can make a fortune by selling criminalized party powder or an invasive crab species from China.

Either way, the goal is not to end up in the dragnet of an FBI operation with one of those witty names cops love to use.

From Mark Fisher of daytondailynews.com:

U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) agriculture specialists at the Port of Cincinnati intercepted 51 shipments — about 3,400 pounds or 3,700 crustaceans — of invasive mitten crabs over the past four months, agency officials announced last week. 

The seizures in the Cincinnati area were part of a national enforcement effort code-named “Hidden Mitten” led by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, which prevented the illegal and potentially harmful import into the United States of about 15,000 live Chinese mitten crabs, that agency said. The shipments originated in China and Hong Kong and were destined for residences and businesses in multiple U.S. states, although most were headed to New York, federal officials said.

Chinese mitten crabs are one of North America’s most invasive species and pose a serious threat to humans and the environment, the federal fish-and-wildlife agency said in a release. In high densities they can cause a number of problems. The crabs may out-compete native species for food and space; undermine flood levees and cause stream bank erosion; clog screens, pumps and water intake structures at fish collection facilities and power plants; and hurt commercial and recreational fishing industries by consuming bait and damaging fishing nets. 

Sounds like there’s a mitten crab boss in Hong Kong who is not in a good mood right now.

And no offense to the mitten crab; it’s probably delicious when cooked properly. But yeah, we’d have to genocide them if they ever got loose in America and that ain’t worth it.

GUN GROUP IMPLODES IN FUSILLADE OF FRIENDLY FIRE

Normally I would applaud the implosion of a group of professional gun fuckers. However this is Ohio, where the death of one gun group only creates a void to be filled by a somehow more extreme group of people who want to fuck their weaponry.

The hilarious part is the implosion started when the Buckeye Firearms Association called tepid gun safety legislation sponsored by two Republicans “the worst piece of legislation we’ve seen in quite some time.”

From Jessie Balmert of cincinnati.com:

“Speaker of the House just torched me over the article we published," Buckeye Firearms Association legislative director Sean Maloney titled one email sent to group leaders.  

In that email, Maloney included a slew of text messages that he said came from Householder, responding to Buckeye Firearms' opposition to House Bill 354. 

The texts, which Maloney wrote were from Householder, included:

“BFA just ambushed two very good legislators who only introduced a bill to keep DeWine-Husted at bay.”

“Also – if this costs DJ Swearingen his election BFA probably destroyed themselves.”

"I had asked that an opinion wait until we got to a final draft. I guess that trust factor is GONE." 

“I want nothing to do with your organization anymore. At least w the Ohio Gunowner’s (sic) you know what you got."

"You can't fix this, It will hurt 2 very good people."

The Enquirer requested Householder's text messages and emails regarding Buckeye Firearms under Ohio public records law but was told no records existed. House policy allows text messages to be destroyed when they are no longer of administrative value.  

BFA sacked their chief lobbyist because Householder is the most powerful member of state government. That’s the kind of electoral juice gun control advocates are up against in Ohio.

HOUSEHOLDER WANTS DR. STRAUSS VICTIMS TO BE ABLE TO SUE OHIO STATE

Householder also flexed his muscles yesterday by going forward with an effort that would give victims of dead pedophile Dr. Richard Strauss the legal standing to sue Ohio State, the university that employed the sexual predator for nearly three decades.

From Jennifer Smola of dispatch.com:

After a call to action by Speaker Larry Householder, the Ohio House will resume hearings on a stalled bill that would allow victims of deceased Ohio State University doctor Richard Strauss to sue the university.

The speaker asked Monday that the House Civil Justice Committee resume hearings on House Bill 249, “with the possibility of a vote in the coming weeks.” The bill hasn’t had a hearing since September.

By Monday afternoon, another hearing for the bill was scheduled for the committee’s Tuesday meeting.

In a statement, Householder expressed disappointment with Ohio State.

“I am disappointed that the Ohio State University has yet to accept responsibility for the obvious harm that was done to students under their watch,” Householder said in a statement. “While these young people were all adults, families still trust that our state institutions are providing a reasonable level of security for their children while they are away at school.”

This fight will be one to watch. Because of its proximity to the Statehouse and that a large majority of legislatures and staffers have some sort of connection to university life, Ohio State enjoys robust political muscle with the Legislature.

Personally, I hope the victims get to have their day in court. You don’t employ a sex pest for 30 years without somebody in power knowing about it. It’s time for the university to pay what it owes; this problem has been swept under the rug for too long.

AREA NANA DUPED INTO SENDING $6,000 IN A MAGAZINE TO NEW JERSEY

If you have a grandma, please give them a call today to let them know that if you’re ever in a drunken driving accident and need to open a line of credit, you won’t do that by asking her to send $6,000 to New Jersey.

From Amanda Garrett of ohio.com:

HUDSON — An 83-year-old Ohio woman fell for a familiar scam in December 2017.

A man claiming to be her grandson telephoned. He was crying and told her he had been in a drunk driving accident and needed $6,000 in $100 bills for bail.

The woman quickly gathered the cash and shipped it off to a New Jersey address via FedEx. But a few hours later, the woman realized she had been duped and contacted her local police department for help.

Police in Hudson, a suburb of Akron in northeast Ohio, immediately reached out to FedEx officials, who agreed to intercept the package full of cash and return it to the Hudson woman, according to a lawsuit filed recently in federal court.

But the package of $100 bills never made it back to Hudson, the lawsuit said, and the woman now wants FedEx to pay up.

I feel for the woman, but it’s not like FedEx is the one that scammed her. Sometimes it’s best to just take your loss and move on with your life. Now some FedEx employee just got a nice payday and the whole neighborhood knows she’s easy to hustle.

CALLING THE COPS OVER YOUR MISSING HOODIE IS APPARENTLY A FELONY

I hate when I’m folding and putting away laundry (the worst part of doing laundry) and I think hmmm I haven’t seen that one hoodie I like in awhile. And then I run through my wardrobe and it’s nowhere to be found. It’s like the funeral of a friend. Devastating.

However, I thankfully haver never been fucked up enough to call the police over a missing hoodie.

From Cameron Knight of cincinnati.com:

CINCINNATI – An Ohio man was arrested early Monday after authorities said he called the police more than 25 times to get help looking for a lost hoodie.

Harves Gardner, 32, faces a felony charge of disrupting public services.

Police said Gardner requested police assistance and officers responded.

“When police arrived (the) defendant only wanted rides around town to find his hoodie that he lost," officers reported.

Police said Gardner was highly intoxicated and officers told him to go back to bed, but he continued calling and gave different locations for the police to respond.

When cops give you a get-out-of-jail free card, use it! Do not throw it back in their face because they love taking people to jail and will gladly take you if that’s where you’d rather go.

THOSE WMDs. Electric or not, SUVs are inherently selfish… The coffee drinker’s guide to Columbus… Saving the whooping crane, one dance at a time… The woman shaking the diamond industry… Accepting your darkest emotions is the key to psychological health.