Clemson Officially on Notice

Sorry but that's the only thing that matters in my life right now.

I have a schtick online where I write a newsletter and cherrypick the most depressing news happening in Ohio. I then type a few hundred words and pretend how basically we would live in utopia if only voters had the sense to elect me governor.

But in real life I’ve come to value my friends who won’t tolerate my bullshit and demand better of me. (No, I will not reflect on how I’m 33 and just now realizing this.)

NPR @NPR

Young bodies may more easily rebound from long bouts of sitting, with just an hour at the gym. But research suggests physical recovery from binge TV-watching gets harder in our 50s and as we get older.

n.prHome For The Holidays? Get Off The Couch!If you sit too much during middle age — at work and at home — your ability to exercise or even walk in late decades is at risk, research hints. And, of course, your risk of heart disease climbs, too.

Wow… who could have seen that coming?

Anyway… One friend advised me that the next time I’m sitting at my computer too mind-fucked to send a scheduled dispatch that I simply close my computer and retroactively apologize in the next day’s dispatch.

That is definitely the Good Business Advice. But then I came home tonight and realized there was another option where I changed the format on Christmas.

Not that I have much to say today. But one thing I think is Ohio State and Clemson should play tonight because these next three days are going to be like being dragged through broken glass.

Will the Buckeyes dawg check the Tigers? That’s what I think. Could Clemson win and push Ohio State to 0-4 all-time against them? That’s also a possibility that I don’t like to think about.

If we get walked by Clemson and fall to 0-4 against the tiny fake Christian college in South Carolin then I’m forsaking my Buckeye fandom and moving to Mexico.

Once again here is where I hear my friends in real life chuckling. “Oh no worries… he’s been barking about moving abroad for years and has yet to do it.”

Yeah, well, fair take. But I promise I will move somewhere else if the one opium I enjoy in life — that is to say Buckeye football — establishes a ceiling of winning Big 10 championships. I couldn’t care less about Rose Bowls or the Midwest trophy.

I want to watch my Buckeye goons dig a shallow grave in the Arizona desert and chuck the corpse of Dabo into it. Then I want to drink beer and laugh as our henchmen shovel dirt on his petrified body while teary-eyed announcers reflect on Clemson’s 20-game win streak. You wanted disrespected, Dabo? You got it.

In all seriousness we need the West Coast Buckeye Syndicate to ride deep in Arizona against the tiny cult school from rural South Carolina. If you know any Buckeye fan in the Mountain or Western timezone then please spend the next 48 hours convincing them to spend thousands of dollars to bark in the desert for our Buckeyes. We can start a GoFundMe if it comes to that.

Because I swear this much… the rest of Buckeye Galaxy will handle our business in New Orleans against (most likely) Louisiana State. I’ve talked to enough Buckeyes fans of every stripe. We are going to run LSU out of its own port.

But first we must beat Clemson! You’re on deck, Western Buckeyes. Make us proud.

THOSE WMDs. End of owning music: How CDs and downloads died.. Chinese restaurants are closing and owners say that’s a good thing… I planned on dying alone… My dad taught me how to deal with bullies because he was one… Nine false rumors with real-life consequences.