Craft Cocktails with Columbus Centrists

A look at the political summit where the air is rare.

I crashed a Columbus Democratic centrist cocktail party last night.

Normally I’m disgusted by hobnobbing events between politically powerful people who spend more than $25,000 a year on clothes and send their kids to private schools but this particular event included an open bar which meant I put on my finest tropical shorts and pink hoodie and sneakers and rolled to get a glance at the ruling class of Columbus.

After a few fancy cocktails that involved a blow torch to prepare(???) a woman next to me asked about the pin on my hat.

“It’s for Morgan Harper” I said without mentioning her multimillionaire opponent had just absconded after working the room while Harper prepared to hold a meeting with local activists and voters at her headquarters two blocks away.

And no I didn’t need to be told that if the election were hold within this swanky soiree my candidate would lose. That’s exactly why I wore the pin.

“What do you admire about her?”

“For one she’s got credentials longer than a CVS receipt and frankly I am in awe of her courage for throwing down with the local political machine.”

“I see” she said in a way that let me know she found me revolting and our conversation was over.

A few minutes later a large man wearing a beret whose name I would later learn was Michael stood between us to order a drink. The aforementioned woman told him to ask about my famous pin.

“It’s for Morgan Harper” I said.

“Ah,” he says with a twinkle of condescension in his eye. “Running against Joyce Beatty is certainly a thing she’s doing.”

“She raised $330,000 in the first quarter.”

He turned to me and said “Good for her. Getting more people involved in the political process is always a good thing” which is lizard people code for eat shit clown she’s going down.

In my opinion it’s bad for democracy when the people in power behave in a way where they can’t even envision a scenario where their power could ever be challenged but that’s another dissertation for another day.

Anyway there’s been a lot of discussion in the Democratic Party as to why the working class doesn’t trust us like they did before Bill Clinton sold them out with NAFTA.

Well I sat there for over an hour and saw all the power brokers of Columbus come and mingle and drink and eat and laugh and not once ever tip their bartenders or servers. Many of them couldn’t even understand a common courtesy like returning an empty glass to the bar instead of leaving it on some random table like an asshole.

Sure it’s an open bar and it’s to be assumed this mysterious group hosting the event has already “taken care” of the workers but let’s be honest when was the last time any company in America that can afford to drop at least $20K for an open bar for a bunch of rich assholes (and poor assholes like me) actually paid workers a fair price for their labor?

And lest you think I’m a prick who didn’t pay the piper I didn’t have any cash so I asked the bartender who made me fancy cocktails on whatever whim I wanted for 90 minutes to charge me exactly one cent on my card so I could tip them for their labor. Judging by the reaction to my “kindness” I doubt many partiers had joined a person easily within the poorest 3% in the room in expressing gratitude for labor performed on command.

DIPSHIT BILLIONAIRE WHO BOUGHT HIS WAY ONTO DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE STAGE SAYS OHIO IS A LOST CAUSE

Seven sociopaths, avowed capitalist Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders will blabber in Westerville tonight for three hours about why they are the only person who can rid the country of the criminal commander-and-chief.

The cable news networks will then reduce the clown carnival to 30 seconds of soundbites while independently wealthy analysts discuss the spectacle like a sporting contest because none of them will suffer any consequences no matter even if the demented game show host retains power in 2020.

Anyway one of the biggest dipshits on stage tonight will without a doubt be billionaire Tom Steyer who bought his way onto the stage and thinks the only thing that can beat a bad billionaire is a good billionaire which is definitely a thing other billionaires think exists.

From Rick Rouan of dispatch.com:

Tom Steyer is dubious about Ohio’s traditional standing as a swing state.

Ohio is more Republican stronghold than battleground, Steyer said Monday during a lunch-hour roundtable with a group of 15 young Democrats.

“You guys live in a red state. I know people call it purple, but it’s pretty darn red,” Steyer said of Ohio, where President Donald Trump won in 2016 by 8 points and Republicans dominated statewide elections in 2018.

Young people who vote for Democrats will be key to changing that, though, Steyer said, not just in Ohio but in the rest of the country as well. He said if Trump loses in Ohio and the rest of the country in 2020, it will represent a shift that leaves Republicans losing “forever.”

Steyer founded the nonprofit NextGen America, which has mobilized younger voters to support Democratic causes, but he said other organizations ignore the youth vote because they believe it is too expensive to reach them.

Here’s a thought for a man of infinite resources like Steyer to consider if he truly cares about the future of the country.

The Republicans can’t win the White House without Ohio. That’s why they fight like Hell to retain power and even go so far as to tilt the state’s economy toward the wealthy to a degree that ensures the exodus young people.

Perhaps instead of a vanity presidential campaign that will fail (it better fucking fail) Steyer would instead be better toward devoting his power by helping Democrats retain power on a local and state level in Ohio because the party of President Deals will never change until their current position can’t win a national election.

THE PEOPLE TAKING CARE OF OUR CHILDREN

It’s funny all my beautiful friends who have even more beautiful children all agree that their eyes almost popped out of their skull the first time they toured a childcare facility only to learn it would be the equivalent of another student loan payment.

What’s pathetic about the childcare racket is none of the wealth seems to trickle down to the people actually performing the labor.

From Afi Scruggs of wosu.org:

Ohio’s childcare workers rank among the state’s most economically vulnerable employees, according to a factsheet released Friday by Groundwork Ohio, which lobbies for childcare workers. 

The profession employs more than 53,000, and most are women. Half of those workers rely on some kind of public assistance.

That’s because wages are rock bottom: the average Ohio childcare worker makes roughly $20,000 a year – even though they are likely to have credentials beyond a diploma.

The state's average wage is $54,000 annually.

We could have nice things like universal childcare for which “pro-family” politicians never seem to advocate because it would require taxing billionaires in a way dumbasses like Tom Steyer and President Business Deals wouldn’t have enough money for vanity presidential campaigns.

WOMAN TO COPS: YOU'LL FIND MY ELDERLY HUSBAND AT EITHER THE GOLF COURSE OR STRIP CLUB

Imagine being 98 and still horny enough to go to a strip club. One Ohio man is trapped in that prison.

From Vince Grzegorek of clevescene.com:

A 98-year-old man on a recent day left his house and told his wife he'd be home around 4 p.m., according to the Moreland Hills police blotter roundup on Cleveland.com

Given his age, and what one can assume was his custom to not only reliably return home upon leaving but to do so in a timely manner, his wife became worried when 4 o'clock came and went and so she called the cops. 

Naturally, the cops asked her where he might be. Could he just have gotten hung up somewhere he normally goes? Did he make a detour to a familiar joint without telling her? Where, do tell, would be the most likely place to find this near-septuagenarian? 

There were three possibilities, she told them, according to the blotter. No, not the corner store. No, not the coffeeshop. No, not a favorite bench in a favorite park. 

The best bets were one of two golf courses including Manakiki (good taste, old man) or the Crazy Horse strip club in Bedford. 

Condolences to the sex workers that had to service that wrinkly asshole.

THE FIRST GOOD WEDDING REGISTRY IN THE HISTORY OF WEDDING REGISTRIES

I hate wedding invites that are like please give us the honor of attending our wedding and also selecting a $300 gift off this pre-selected list of overpriced shit we want. Y’all could have had that entire list if you hadn’t chosen to blow $30,000 on a single party but that’s none of my business here’s $50 and a card and maybe a little sack of weed.

Thankfully an Ohio wedding couple has proven something besides personal greed can come from a wedding registry.

From Emily Morgan of beaconjournal.com:

WOOSTER — Jonathan and Jeananne Wickham presented their friends and family with an unusual wedding registry.

Missing were the typical items like a mixer, coffee maker and dinnerware. Instead, the wedding guests found a list that included cat food, kitty litter, dog biscuits and lots of kibble.

The newlyweds chose to forgo the traditional wedding gifts and built a wedding registry with items to benefit the Wayne County Humane Society. On Saturday afternoon, the Akron couple delivered the bevy of goods to the shelter a few weeks after they exchanged vows.

“We’d been together for seven years and we didn’t have a need for traditional gifts like the mixers and the toasters. We’re really big into animal welfare and rescue so we wanted to take an opportunity to give back to this shelter specifically because I grew up in Wooster,” said Jonathan Wickham. The couple has six cats, all rescued from shelters.

I’m definitely stealing this idea as my own if I ever get married which by my calculations will happen no earlier than 2056.

THOSE WMDs. Inside Mark Zuckerberg’s private meetings with conservative pundits… My years in the Florida shuffle of drug addiction… Nation’s Indigenous people don’t need special holiday just large swaths of land returned immediately… President Business Deals is turning back the clock on meat plants… Regulators seek to ban Wynn casinos after owner brings “discredit to the state of Nevada.”