May Warren G. Harding Save Us All

Hello world!

Hello, friends! It me, the fella that left a profitable blogging career to spend three months running for the Statehouse only to lose by 50 points.

My next creative venture is The Rooster Newsletter, named in honor of my infamously crude blog that got me exiled from Marion Harding High School in 2002 for publishing opinions like “My Spanish teacher sucks” and “I’m too cool for school.”

For those familiar with my work at Eleven Warriors, I envision this newsletter to be like the Skull Session. Except instead of finding new ways to say “Ohio State is good,” I plan to offer an eclectic mix of Ohio sports, culture, and political news and commentary to be published Monday through Friday at 4:59 a.m. Other ramblings will be dispatched whenever inspiration strikes.

Eventually, I will ask for money. And only those that send me photos of the front and back of their most cherished credit card will be welcomed at my hearth in the afterlife. The unwashed are welcome to read my free articles until one of us croaks.

I realize talking politics will alienate 50% of Americans, because Republicans click links, too. I also realize most working Americans aren’t interested in a fire and brimstone sermon from an obscure blogger before going to work for eight hours. I promise to keep that stuff to a minimum.

As for sports… expect a Browns, Buckeyes, and Crew bias. With the Buckeyes, I only care about the football team. The basketball team doesn’t interest me until the second round of the NCAA Tournament—at which point I will pretend not to hate college basketball and happily bandwagon in hopes of a championship.

Baseball doesn’t exist unless the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing a decisive game in the World Series.

The WMDs will continue until David Simon and/or HBO sue me for copyright infringement on a fictional heroin brand in The Wire. Opinionated Baby Boomers with internet connections have accused me of pushing Communist propaganda in the past. I can’t promise their conditions will improve going forward.

My overall goal is to make workers laugh at least once. The Rooster Newsletter aims to provide you with the ammo needed to destroy imperious coworkers who get news from Facebook meme groups ran by Macedonian teenagers.

Maybe one day this experiment will become lucrative enough for me to purchase a microphone and add “Bearded White Midwestern Millennial Podcast Host” to my résumé of 10,000 blog posts.

If that happens, I will follow Warren G. Harding and attempt to leverage my platform into making my friends famous. The difference is my friends have cooler monikers and have more interesting stories than “I once went to Las Vegas and spent money on booze, betting, and hookers.”

Which brings me to my last point: My future political opponents cannot use any of these poorly edited ramblings against me. If they do, I will promptly sue them for libel slander, and/or RICO.

Thank you.

— D.J. Byrnes