Congratulations, You Qualify For An Ohio Medical Marijuana Card!

Yes you! Weed is more legal in Ohio than you might realize.

At least two Ohio Republican legislators are pushing their plan to legalize marijuana in the Buckeye State. You know what that means: These buffoons are attempting to get their own marijuana legislation on the books before voters go around their archaic asses via a citizen’s ballot initiative within the next year.

From Kyle Jeger of marijuanamoment.com:

Reps. Jamie Callender (R) and Ron Ferguson (R) first announced their plan to push the legislative reform proposal in October and circulated a co-sponsorship memo to build support for the measure. Now they’re moving ahead with formal introduction of the “Ohio Adult Use Act.”

The bill would allow adults 21 and older to purchase and possess up to 50 grams of cannabis. They could also grow up to six plants, only three of which could be mature, for personal use.

Gifting up to 25 grams of marijuana between adult consumers without remuneration would also be permitted.

Adult-use cannabis products would be taxed at 10 percent. After covering administrative costs, tax revenue would be distributed as follows: 50 percent to the state general fund, 25 percent to combat illicit drug trafficking and 25 percent for substance misuse treatment programs.

These nerds don’t have the votes to pass the Ohio Adult Use Act. And if they did, they certainly won’t have enough to override Governor Mike “Drug Warrior” DeWine’s inevitable veto. Doubly so in an upcoming election year where they can’t upset the delicate sensibilities of their puritan primary voters.

The the only way we’ll ever see legal weed is from federal legislation or through the ballot box, which in this instance could be during the May primary, the November general election, or its own special election in 2022.

And, if it comes to that, the initiative will be at the whims of the hog electorate that has defeated (admittedly poor versions) of legal weed at the ballot box before. We wouldn’t know a good time if it was outside shitting on our ridiculously sized trucks

That would be more depressing if I hadn’t just yesterday realized how the medical marijuana industry operates within the state. I was under the impression that you had to be on your death bed to earn a recommendation from a medical practitioner.

No. Not true at all.

You type “ohio weed card” into Google—I chose “Ohio Cannabis Connection”—and schedule a telemedicine visit within the hour for a refundable $175 if you and your doctor can’t agree on a new treatment plan involving marijuana.

Here is the bio of the guy I met with on Zoom. He was no quack:

Dr. Allen Guehl is a Dayton area native and attended UC studying engineering. He received his DPM degree through Rosalind Franklin University in Chicago and did his residency at Mount Sinai Medical Center in podiatric surgery. He achieved his podiatric surgical board certification and wound care board certification in 2005 and is on staff at all Dayton and Springfield area hospitals. Dr. Guehl completed his doctorate through the International University of Health Sciences and completed his internship in general surgery at Miami Valley Hospital. He went on to complete his residency in Aerospace Medicine at the Wright State University Boonshoft School of Medicine along with completion of a Master’s degree in Aerospace Medicine at Wright State University. He is a certified pilot and Aeromedical Examiner for the FAA.

In 2019, Dr. Guehl completed his second Master’s degree in Integrative Medicine at The George Washington University in Washington D.C. Dr. Guehl enjoys flying his Grumman Cheetah but most of all likes spending time with his grandson, two daughters and his wife, Maria.

Not sure how a guy like that ends up writing weed prescriptions to bums like me, but it was as close as I’ve come to feeling I had one of those mythical “primary care physicians.”

Dr. Guehl was sympathetic to the fact I crashed my car last summer and still suffer muscle spasms and dull, chronic pain after shattering my ankle, ribs and jaw. Those maladies sometimes interfered with my manual labor job and/or kept me awake at night. I felt much more comfortable using marijuana than taking opiates.

That’s all true of course. But did I have to provide any documentation? No. The entire conversation took about three minutes and I got a treatment plan that looked something like this:

Again, it was the smoothest transaction I’ve ever had in the American medical system. Coincidentally, it didn’t involve a private insurance company.

Two hours later, I got an email from the state demanding $50 as a licensing fee. That payment instantly unlocked a PDF of my card, which I could present at any dispensary in the state and gain access to their wares.

The entire process from start to finish took three hours. And that included the round trip to the nearest dispensary, which was 2.8 miles away, nestled in a nondescript building next to a gas station right off the highway in hardscrabble Grandview.

“I can see your mind reeling right now,” the cashier said when I mentioned it was my first time inside a dispensary in Ohio. I might as well have boarded an alien spaceship.

I knew everyday marijuana transactions were being carried about with the blessing of the state, but I never thought I would become part of the chosen flock that would live to see that day. We don’t deserve nice things in Ohio, after all.

I won’t use this newfound service every day. Weed is still cheaper on the black market.

But it’s nice not to have to worry about some jackoff cop hassling me about weed. Also will love having the option of buying weed at in a controlled environment at a regulated business with posted hours instead of relying on the whims of “some guy I met at the bar a couple weeks back” or whatever.

Same goes with traveling in the state. I don’t have to put myself in sketchy situation in an alley or get ripped off by a stranger when I’m just looking to sooth my nerves with a joint of the Devil’s Lettuce after spending another three hours of my life watching the Browns in Cleveland lose a football game.

Take yesterday for example. I’m trying to eliminate weekday drinking from my repertoire do to the tyranny of doctors, so I smoked some strain called “Ice Cream Cake” from a company I’ve never heard of but still nodded knowingly when the cashier mentioned the strain had won something called The Emerald Cup.

Keep in mind I had previously categorized weed as either “good” or “mid” my entire life:

Best mixed light (aka greenhouse)

Ready for it? Ice Cream Cake bred by Seed Junky and cultivated by Local Cannabis Co. took best greenhouse herb. For the second year in a row, the buds of Seed Junky and Local Cannabis Co.’s labors have nabbed first place.

And you know what? Being able to purchase a widely available plant in a store suddenly makes living in Ohio not seem that bad anymore. Not sure what I was stressing about earlier. Ohio is not that bad!

We may take decades to enact anything cool within the state. But at least in this instance, one decade of cool has finally come. And it’s a big one at that. Maybe in the next one we can eliminate the odious drug testing industry and regain some of the bedrock civil rights we used to enjoy in this country before Hell-bound losers like Nancy Reagan took them from us.

THOSE WMDs. It’s a great time to start a show that aired 10 years ago… The nagging mystery of Trump’s BS… State Rep. John Cross’ pitch to stay in Ohio: Get a scholarship or an income tax break… Denzel Washington, Man on Fire… Is Succession plotting its end?