Crocodile tears never tasted so good

"Rooster Rules" have come to the so-called People's House. And it's going to take more than velvet ropes to stop this train.

It wasn’t a banner day at the Statehouse for free speech yesterday, if you can believe that. I’ll have the complete breakdown in Friday’s dispatch.

Today, however, I want to address what have been dubbed “The Rooster Rules” outside the Ohio House of Representatives’ legislative chamber.

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For the past few months, numerous people within the Statehouse Cinematic Universe have told me their concerns that Speaker Huffman was plotting my downfall based on so-called “security concerns.”

Well, Huffman debuted his master plan yesterday by restricting access to the lobby outside the House chamber and the hallway that leads to the Speaker’s office.

This area is where protestors, lobbyists, activists and anyone with a passing interest in the day’s legislation—cops and firemen, for example—can congregate to make a last-minute impression on legislators as they enter the chamber.

And yes, I have also assembled there for the past two years to conduct what I have dubbed “Pervert Red Carpet” interviews with friends and foes alike as they enter the chamber.

Here’s one example with State Rep. Reggie Stoltzfus (R-New Paris Twp.), the former chairman of the House Transportation Committee that earned $18,000 over two years despite not convening a single meeting:

Because I am one person, State Representatives have always been able to avoid me entirely by taking an elevator to the back door of the chamber.

But this arrangement was apparently not good enough for Speaker Huffman, who, in my opinion, has a lot of questions to answer about his whereabouts on April 19th, 1995:

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Three years ago, The Rooster was little more than a daily screed written by an entertaining, albeit cantankerous drunkard that you wouldn’t let organize your children’s birthday party.

Yesterday, the most powerful politician in Ohio issued a draconian decree aimed primarily at me that restricted access outside his legislative fiefdom because I once called him a “Blow Job Brother” on the Senate floor.

Hopefully, that’s inspiration for any reader struggling with any myriad of substance abuse issues. It took me two years off the sauce to make these lizards shed tears. I would have put the vodka down years earlier had I known it was this easy.

The retribution is understandable, considering some of my more flamboyant provocations over the years. But I’m happy in a perverse way.

The retribution means that my harrying of the junta has been much more effective than I imagined. I guess there is a lot of truth in my theory that these guys hate being mocked above all else.

Part of their grand plan is an effort to provoke me into doing something truly stupid that they can use to go to CSRAB—the actual overlords of the Statehouse—to ban me from the Statehouse.

Two years into this campaign, and these hobgoblins apparently have much to learn about me.

Sure, I’m capable of foolish and usually hilarious hijinks (see: the Blow Job Brothers quip). But I’ve learned a few things as a habitual line-stepper. Contrary to their beliefs about my intellect, I ain’t stupid enough to give them the pleasure of seeing me banned for life.

As such, these restrictions will hurt the lobbyist and professional class more than ever hurt my business, as you will see in tomorrow’s dispatch.

But I have learned a lot from the gun lobby and their take-no-prisoners approach over the years. That lobby is correct in its perverse way. You can never cede an inch to self-proclaimed tyrants because it will never be enough for them.

Despite his apparent delusions of grandeur, Speaker Huffman does not own the Statehouse or control the hallways of a public institution. That is why I’m weighing my options.

If you are a Columbus-based lawyer with expertise in this area (or can recommend one), please email me to discuss the situation. I’m not a rich man, but I’d be willing to pass the hat among friends and allies to finance the standard fees attached to such an action.

If Speaker Huffman wants a fight, we’ll give him one. And not just for me, but for the working Ohioans who can’t spend their days hectoring these sorry excuses of leaders.

In the meantime, I’d be honored if you considered helping sustain this work by subscribing to The Rooster:

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Thank you for your readership. Together, we are showing the precarious fragility of the other side’s so-called power.

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