Rooster in Review: Daniel Kalmbach is the gift that keeps giving

The fake farmer who is running for the Ohio House is trying to hide past misdeeds at Bob Jones University!

A week ago, The Rooster exposed Daniel Kalmbach, the rich, carpetbagging partygoer currently running as a family-values conservative in the 69th Ohio House District.

Since the exposé, which is the most-read dispatch of 2024, it would appear that Kalmbach has tightened his social media presence. Locked is the Venmo account, where he publicly posted receipts of drug deals.

Kalmbach also made a subtle change to his LinkedIn profile, though it still lists his residence in Arlington, over 100 miles outside the 69th House District.

A tipster pointed out that Kalmbach scrubbed his time at the right-wing Bob Jones University in the education portion of his profile. Here’s what it looked like before The Rooster dropped a dime on his candidacy:

And here is what the page looks like today, with Bob Jones University being replaced by his time as a home-school student:

Wow! Amazing that his parents gave him a high school diploma. I wish my parents were that cool! But I digress.

Kalmbach’s erasure of his Bob Jones tenure is curious, considering his grandfather and father were major donors to the university that wasn’t accredited until 2006.

From Bob Jones News in August 2013, a year after the youngest Kalmbach matriculated at the university:

Dr. Jones also renamed the main dining room the Kalmbach Room in honor of the late Milton and Ruth Kalmbach of Ohio who loved BJU and what it stood for. “They would be most pleased to know their legacy includes supporting a University whose goals match the faith for which they lived,” says their son, Paul Kalmbach.

Paul Kalmbach, of course, is CEO of Kalmbach Feeds. He is a massive donor of right-wing politicians and causes and currently sits as the treasurer of the Center for Christian Virtue.

It seems like the Kalmbach name was as good as gold at Bob Jones University! However, the youngest Kalmbach did something to earn persona-non-grata status on campus.

We know this thanks to a Greenville, South Carolina, police report from May 8th, 2014:

It’s unclear what Kalmbach did to be put on the no-trespassing list. But it must have been something nefarious considering his family’s connections to the university. We also know that it’s something that Kalmbach is currently trying to hide from the public view as he campaigns for the 69th House seat.

You might think a rich kid being dishonest about his persona while campaigning in a district where he only moved to run for elected office makes his candidacy dead on arrival. That’s a fair assumption, although one made without knowing how Republican primaries work in the hinterlands.

Kalmbach could win! The media apparatuses in the district don’t seem interested in talking about his past partying ways, his DUI conviction, or what he might have done at Bob Jones University to be booted from campus.

There is also the matter of what having a wealthy family can do for a candidate in Ohio politics. Thanks to his father’s illustrious donor history, Kalmbach is set to host a town hall in the district with Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan:

Amazing stuff! You almost have to respect the gall. Almost.

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This week in Ohio Man…

I’m from Marion, Ohio, which is a fact I often blame for being bad with names. You see, where I’m from, most people go by street monikers and nom de plumes.

What’s easier to remember—the 50th Zach you’ve met in your life or a guy called “Fuzzy Slippers”? I rest my case.

But as far as street monikers go, you can probably do worse than going by “Miami” as a Groveport resident who is selling meth in West Virginia.

From Amber Baker of wtrf.com:

WHEELING, W.Va. (WTRF) — U.S. Attorney William J. Ihlenfeld II announced that a Groveport, Ohio, man was sentenced to 60 months in federal prison for methamphetamine distribution.

According to court documents and statements made in court, 42-year-old Robert L. Bruce, also known as “Miami,” sold methamphetamine in Marshall County, West Virginia.

During the investigation, Bruce’s vehicle was searched, and officers found nearly 800 grams of methamphetamine hidden in the engine compartment.

Let the record state that federal investigators won’t be fooled by a clever misdirection in your nom de plume should they look into your corrupt activity pattern.

This week in The Rooster…

It was a brisk week of business, and I’m proud of my work.

• A conversation with State Rep. Casey Weinstein (D-Hudson). A lightly-edited discussion about life in the superminority, his Senate campaign, and why he seemingly drives psychotic right-wing trolls into further insanity.

• Why so serious? I have no problems with being an unserious person if condemning China and designating drug cartels as terrorists are the serious ideas being floated by the State Senate.

• These losers won’t even defend their flesh and blood. Senator Theresa Gavarone (R-Bowling Green) equated gender dysphoria to the product of a half-baked brain belonging to an idiot child. She sat silent while her colleagues pillaged the concept of transgender rights. She also has a transgender adult child.

Again, I’d be honored if any of the free-loaders in the parking lot would consider sustaining my lifestyle by joining the fabled Patriots Caucus. Nevertheless, thank you for reading!

THOSE WMDs. Everyone feared the worst from Robert Card, and nobody stopped him… The woman who walked away… How instant noodles took over the world… Inside the world’s largest bobblehead collection… The discovery of the Americas’ long-lost “Rome.”