Flip Floppin' Frank LaRose meets The Patriots Caucus
LaRose once called me "not funny." Well, who's laughing now?
At 4:45 p.m. ET on Nov. 2nd, 2020, I was at the height of my alcoholic powers, sitting crooked at The Patio Bar in The Bottoms, having already ingested enough Tito’s Handmade Vodka to incapacitate a rhinoceros.
Earlier in the day, I tweeted a joke about how I was a poll worker in Columbus, Ohio, and I aimed to throw 10,000 Trump ballots in the trash during my upcoming shift on Election Day.
It was a tedious joke that wasn’t even original!
Somehow, through a series of unfortunate events, that tweet from “Rainbow Coalition Comandanté” arrived on the desk of Ohio’s Secretary of State, Frank LaRose.
When I checked my phone, I was shocked to see that one of the biggest hobgoblins in Ohio had retweeted my obvious joke and revealed that he had investigated this shady character and found nothing voters should worry about.
Of course, being unable to legally operate heavy machinery before 5 p.m. on a Monday didn’t prevent me from responding the only way I knew how: By tweeting the address of my then-landlord’s spare house and telling one of the most powerful politicians in the state to come get a taste of my Figure-4 leglock.
Honestly, it’s not a tactic I would advise. Had I been off the sauce, as I have been for the last 358 days, I would have changed my display name to “Frank LaRose drinks his piss” and left it at that.
Instead, my famously pugilistic style led to me getting suspended from Twitter.
I would have let it go. It was just another day in the Twitter salt mines, after all. But then LaRose gave an interview in which he called me “not funny.”
Say whatever you want about me. I promise other people on the internet have said much worse. But to say I’m not funny? Well, it was then I swore I’d see LaRose in the deepest pits of Hell.
And lately, thanks to support from The Patriots Caucus, LaRose is getting a taste of what sharing a cell with The Rooster for an eternity of torment will be like.
The revenge against LaRose started last month when I popped up at an Ohio Ballot Board meeting in the Free Speech Zone known as the Ohio Statehouse. Rob Nichols, LaRose’s press secretary, obstructed a doorway to prevent me from getting to his boss and asking him questions.
I don’t care that a guy like Nichols doesn’t see me as a member of the press. I told him that much in an email I sent him that night with the subject line, “Hit the weights, gremlin!”
I’m still a constituent of LaRose’s, so I’m entitled to ask him questions, especially when he’s on the clock at the Statehouse! Sorry he doesn’t like it, but he signed up for it. He’s welcome to move back to suburban Akron as a private citizen, and he’ll never hear from me again.
Unfortunately for the rest of us, LaRose’s ego won’t allow him to do that. His intention to run for the United States Senate while serving as Secretary of State has been one of the worst-kept secrets in state politics for months.
I explained back on April 14 that LaRose’s Senate campaign was over before it began. And given how his official announcement went this week, I’m starting to think I wasn’t hard enough on him by declaring him dead on arrival.
LaRose’s neighbors revile him
Like many of Ohio’s top conservative operators, LaRose chooses to live in an affluently liberal oasis. Like Lieutenant Governor Jon Husted, LaRose lives in Upper Arlington, a once-staunch Republican stronghold that has turned solidly blue.
On July 9th, one of LaRose’s beautiful neighbors dropped a dime to a scumbag sewer blogger like The Rooster and spoiled LaRose’s entire announcement ad, which is supposed to be one of the biggest splashes of the campaign.
The source proved to be right about everything.
What’s worse, as I noted on Twitter, LaRose had used the “I’m literally running for office” gimmick before, complete the fake sweat, in an ad during his 2018 run for Secretary of State.
The rerun shows his team thinks this campaign will be exactly like LaRose running for Secretary of State.
Their hubris will prove fatal.
LaRose’s first conference call with Ohio Republicans got trolled by a song about doing anal sex to preserve your virginity for Jesus
A Republican operative tipped The Rooster to the number and password to LaRose’s first conference call with grassroots Republicans across the state.
Not knowing what else to do with it, I tweeted it out and went to dinner. While eating, I got numerous texts from people speculating that the call had been hacked.
Somehow, it was even better than that. And thankfully, a member of The Patriots Caucus had recorded the entire debacle.
Somebody played a song from Garfunkel & Oates called “The Loophole.” I’ll let the New York Post, which stole my scoop without accreditation, explain the contents of the song:
As campaign staffers unmuted LaRose to make his big announcement, “The Loophole” by comedy duo Garfunkel and Oates rang out over the line with the decidedly unconservative lyrics: “F—k me in the a— ’cause I love Jesus.”
The 2015 tune, which pokes fun at conservative Christians who choose sodomy over sex to preserve their virginities, continued to play as campaign workers attempted to mute latecomers to the call.
Sample lyrics: “The good Lord would want it that way/Gimme that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization/It’s just between you and me/’Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see.”
The song continued playing for about a minute as one campaign staffer described the disturbance as “mild technical difficulties.”
The genius operator was Alex Pavloff, a former Ohio College Republican chairman who, like most of LaRose’s campaign staffers, also works for LaRose at the Secretary of State’s office.
Running for Senate is grueling work. I hope their work at the Secretary of State’s office isn’t as sloppy because we have an important election coming up that their boss rammed through our gerrymandered legislature.
What’s ultimately funniest about LaRose’s disastrous launch of his campaign is that he has been teasing the run for months. And these were the results! It certainly doesn’t bode well for his actual campaign.
LaRose has presented himself as “just not another politician” in the past. And while he will attempt to leverage his “experience” over his rivals as an asset in the race, that boils down to nothing more than a long, documented history that will expose him as a standard-issue, flip-flopping politician who will say whatever it takes to get elected.
Let’s go to that tape!
LaRose will fumble his lead in the polls just like Josh Mandel did
Like Josh Mandel before him, LaRose is playing up his past service in the United States military—“I’m a fighter!”— while boasting about leading in the polls nine months before the election.
Also, like Mandel, it’s unsurprising that LaRose would be leading. He’s the only Republican Senate candidate who has won statewide office!
LaRose, after the anal sex anthem got scrubbed from his conference call, went on to take shots at his rivals, Bitcoin freak Bernie Moreno and sentient Patagonia vest Matt Dolan, as RINOS—or Republicans in Name Only, an insult that has been used online by politically-poisoned weirdos such as myself as far back as when I was in middle school. (I’m 36.)
LaRose has said he would welcome the endorsement of former President Donald Trump. That’s because he was speaking to a reporter on the record. Privately, however, he told supporters that Trump’s endorsement “doesn’t mean as much as it once did.”
In another example of Republicans hating LaRose as much as you and I, those comments were secretly recorded, leaked to a national political outlet, and likely forwarded to Trump’s advisors at Mar-a-Largo almost instantaneously.
Having to grovel at the feet of President Business Deals publically must be a tough pill to swallow for LaRose, who was adamant in his belief in March 2016 that he would under no circumstances vote for Donald Trump:
Longtime followers of LaRose’s weather-vane beliefs won’t be shocked to learn that he has since deleted the tweet. The internet, however, is forever.
And yes, Trump endorsed LaRose’s run for Secretary of State in 2022, but that came as a quid pro quo for endorsing J.D. Vance for Senate, which LaRose did to earn the Big Man’s endorsement.
Vance repaid LaRose for the initial hesitancy by endorsing Moreno for Senate, which all but assures that the Trump endorsement will also be going in that direction.
LaRose’s history as an establishment moderate will soon be exposed in a Republican primary
LaRose, after praising State Senator Matt Dolan (R-Chagrin Falls) for his work on passing a conservative biannual budget, attacked Dolan for failing to vote for Ohio’s barbaric “heartbeat bill,” which would ban abortions before most women know they’re pregnant.
But that ignores that LaRose, who now presents himself as an anti-abortion warrior who doesn’t believe in exceptions for rape or pregnancy, skipped the vote on the heartbeat bill. Again, that was when LaRose saw being a moderate as a political asset.
And besides, who is responsible for putting a fake Republican like Dolan in office in the first place? Well, then-State Senator LaRose boasted about knocking doors for Dolan in 2016:
With friends like Frank, who would need enemies!?
LaRose lives in a liberal Columbus suburb. He only hangs out with professional Republicans. He’s blissfully unaware of how images like this one from March 2021, where he’s wearing two masks and bragging about getting his coronavirus vaccine in a medical center named after the best friend of that dead pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, will play with Ohio’s hog voters in the primary:
If LaRose had any decency, he would resign from his Secretary of State post while seeking his next political promotion. Nobody could travel the state as much as he will be required to do and perform the duties of Ohio’s chief election officer to the best of his abilities.
Instead, he’s bragging about how much money he’s raised—a paltry amount in comparison to Moreno and Dolan—as if he’s not supposed to have spent the last couple months preparing for the Issue 1 election that he forced down our throats in an attempt to earn the anti-abortion freak vote in the upcoming primary.
LaRose could have run for Congress from suburban Akron when the Republicans redo the map this fall. He’s instead choosing to be publicly humiliated by running a sloppy, embarrassing campaign just like Mandel did last year.
For that, we should be thankful. Wins like this don’t come that often. All that’s left is for Trump to fly his 747 to Ohio and put the dagger in the back of this half-baked campaign like only he can.
Please, President Business Deals! Free us from the yoke of this no-juice-having career fraudster who has finally flown too close to the sun. We in Ohio yearn for your freedom.
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The Loophole. Whoever did this is an Ohioan Hero.
Don't forget his "joke" about lynching! Real stand up guy we got here, Ohio. I can't wait for his ass to get beat by Sherrod and his flip-flopping political career dies.