Fat People Are Harder to Kidnap
Fat People Are Harder to Kidnap
The East of Chicago Pizza in Barberton apologized shortly thereafter.
Well what the hell… here we go with Thursday, that famous concept we all love to know. The best thing I can say is we’re one day away from Super Bowl Weekend which is objectively a great American holiday.
As such, don’t expect a dispatch from me on Monday. I am using one of my ~14 vacation days I allow myself as the hamster on the depression wheel that must peddle jokes online in exchange for money.
You freeloaders should have mercy on your hamster and pay what owe. Otherwise I won’t be able to vouch for you when the revolution comes. I’m sorry. That’s just what capitalists refer to as “business.”
PIZZA SHOP APOLOGIZING FOR RUNNING AN INTERNET JOKE ON HIS BUSINESS BILLBOARD
The best nickname in Ohio for a town is Marion’s “City of Kings.” The second best is Barberton’s “Magic City.”
When we last visited this Akron neighborhood, it was to applaud the brave teen basketball players for having the courage to sit during the national anthem while their own fans chanted “U-S-A” at them, which we all know they chanted because they couldn’t use the n-word in public.
From Kelly Kennedy of fox19.com:
BARBERTON, Ohio (WOIO) - A local pizza place is feeling the heat over one of their billboards. Some say the owner went too far.
Jeremy Clemetson owns East of Chicago Pizza in Barberton. He says he started putting up comical billboards about six months ago to attract more business.
One of his billboards in Norton got everyone talking. It read, “Fat people are harder to kidnap.”
Always a risky for a business to market with humor. It’s especially risky when your sense of humor is a quip that can be found on merchandise offered by thousands of vendors on Amazon and eBay.
I’ve never tried to kidnap anyone. But I suppose if I had a choice between a “small” person or a “fat” person — however those terms are defined — I would probably choose to try my luck at crime on the small person. However, I am also no business maven. And somehow even I recognize it’s a bad idea to put something like this on a billboard.
The good news is I recently met a girl from Barberton and I’ve been breaking her legs over taking me to the Magic City. Apparently they do chicken wings or something up there? I don’t know but I’ll be sure to write about it when the time comes. Seems like a city on the ascension.
BILLIONAIRE WHO PLUCKED DEAD PEDOPHILE FROM OBSCURITY TO RETIRE FROM SELLING THONGS TO CHILDREN
Well well well… it appears the creepy old lingerie dealer who plucked Jeffrey Epstein from obscurity and gifted him a $47 million mansion in New York City has apparently decided he is too much of an albatross around the neck of his company.
From Mark Williams of dispatch.com:
Leslie H. Wexner, who turned a single store that he started in 1963 into a global retail empire, is considering stepping down as CEO of L Brands and selling Victoria’s Secret, a source has told The Dispatch.
Wexner is in talks that could result in a full or partial sale of Victoria’s Secret, the one-time lingerie powerhouse that has struggled amid falling sales in recent years.
Any transition in leadership by the company figures to take at least several weeks, if not longer, to complete.
This is the funny thing about Wexner: The local media that has covered him for years claims he “started” Victoria’s Secret. Not true. He bought the franchise for a measly $1 million in 1982.
Personally I love seeing the humbling of a billionaire that has peddled Republican politics in this state for his entire adult life. I also know a guy like Wexner doesn’t just walk away from an empire on a whim.
TRANSPORTATION OFFICIAL SAYS WE’RE GOING TO NEED RAIL
I met my mom in Delaware last night at 5:30 p.m. for her 38th birthday. It was so cool to be driving down Route 23 with 500,000 other people in our 3,000-pound death missiles. I loved stopping every .25 miles and watching four cars turn left because nobody can drive without texting anymore. For me, it was hard to envision a better way to move mass amounts of people in a straight line during rush hour.
Hark… perhaps ODOT has a clue?
From Karen Kasler of wosu.org:
The head of the Ohio Department of Transportation says the state is at a crossroads with policy on how to move people and products around safely and efficiently.
ODOT Director Jack Marchbanks said the 10.5 cent state gas tax increase will send an additional $370 million this year to local governments, and will help with 150 projects split in urban, suburban and rural areas.
But the gas tax hike may lose steam in the future, as it’s estimated that nearly all vehicles on the roads in 25 years will be electric.
…
Looking ahead, Marchbanks says both regional light rail and passenger rail are important. A project to connect Ohio’s three biggest cities with passenger trains was shut down a decade ago.
Good to know that at best we will get light rail at the earliest in Ohio by 2050. Will it already be too late for that? Absolutely.
GOOD TIME TO SELL A HOME IN CENTRAL OHIO
It’s a good time for those in Central Ohio who bought a house for $10,000 in 1978 or those who have enough money to buy and renovate houses. It’s a bad time in Central Ohio for anyone who is looking to buy a home.
From Jim Weiker of dispatch.com:
Rising home prices allowed central Ohio homeowners to make more on the sale of their homes last year than ever.
The average Columbus-area home sold last year for $195,000 —$50,333 more than it cost, according to a new studyby the real estate service Attom Data Solutions.
“It was a great year to be a seller,” said Todd Teta, chief product officer at Attom.
Despite being a central Ohio record, the average return for Columbus-area homeowners was still below the nation’s average gain of $65,500, the biggest Attom has recorded since 2006.
The numbers are good for sellers, but they are more discouraging news for buyers, who continue to see home prices rise farther beyond their grasp.
The cool part is Columbus’ Democratic machine is controlled by real estate pimps. So these trends will continue as more and more longterm residents will be priced out of the neighborhoods. It’s literally a first-day lesson in City Planning 101 and these clowns are failing the class.
OHIO ASKS POLLUTING FARMERS TO PLEASE STOP POLLUTING IN EXCHANGE FOR AN UNVERIFIED AMOUNT OF CASH
The Mike DeWine Administration has finally unveiled its touted plan to cure Lake Erie of toxic algae blooms, and it basically boils down to hoping the state can offer farmers enough cash to quit polluting what used to be the economic jewel of our state.
From pittsburgh.cbs.com:
TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) – Ohio is rolling out a new strategy to save Lake Erie from the toxic algae that overwhelms it in the summer.
Beginning in February, the state will start offering financial incentives to farmers who adopt new agriculture practices. The incentives are designed to reduce farm runoff that feeds the algae in the lake.
This is what qualifies as environmental policy from a state government controlled by the Farm Bureau. These legislative motherfuckers could regulate the industry tomorrow. Instead we’re handing out undisclosed bags of cash and hoping the farmers do what’s right.
HORNY COYOTES RUNNING WILD IN PARMA
I’m not going to lie. I’ve lived most of my life in the cursed state of Ohio and I’ve never seen a coyote. Apparently though it’s mating season for them and they’re running wild in Northeastern Ohio.
From cleveland19.com:
PARMA, Ohio (WOIO) - There was a coyote running right down the middle of the street in broad daylight," said Georgeann Seuffert of Parma, whose property includes a stream leading to a wooded area. “So you don’t know what you’re going to wind up to in your backyard.”
Parma, Parma Heights, Seven Hills, Brunswick, West Park, almost any place close to a wooded area, are seeing an increase in coyotes .
"I just saw one yesterday morning just walking down the road," says Parma Resident Mike Bean.
Mating season has begun and for the next two months, with the weather warm, the canines will be out, more aggressive and territorial.
No offense to Parma (okay a little offense to Parma), but if I had to guess one Northeastern Ohio town that would be engulfed by horny coyotes… it would be the city famous for brawls at Chuck E. Cheese.
CINCY MADE… BUT WHAT ABOUT CINCY OWNED?
I retired craft beers in 2019. Not saying I don’t like a good IPA. I absolutely do. I still drink them from time to time. But at my age those things are like drinking milkshakes. So do I want to drink or be 500 pounds? Easy choice for me.
Anyway here are the top Ohio craft beers:
From wkyc.com:
CLEVELAND — Ohio has no shortage of breweries, but beer drinkers in the Buckeye state certainly have their favorites.
According to a study by House Method…
Rhinegeist Brewery, Cincinnati
MadTree Brewery, Cincinnati
Great Lakes Brewing Co., Cleveland
Platform Beer Co., Cleveland
Land-Grant Brewing Co., Columbus
For the record: Rhinegeist and Platform are not owned by Ohioans.
Big props to my boys at Land-Grant Brewing Company, though. I remember when they were two dudes smuggling some kegs into the Ohio State RV tailgate lots. Hopefully they can make the move to the top in 2020.
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