Feb. 18, 2019: Brownies, Bring Back Big Dick Dawson

Lake Erie could get legal rights, Ohio accidentally bans some guns, and more.

Bad news, freeloaders: I promised a friend this weekend I would try harder at capitalism, so I will solicit paid subscriptions staring this week. Something like $5 a month or $50 a year.

Some of you will laugh and tell me to go fuck myself, which is fine. You’ll still have access to Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday editions.

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Had an eventful first trip to The Eagle in the Short North yesterday:

• A rugged desperado walks in, asks the bartender if they serve Smirnoff Ice. Bartender says no. The desperado shakes his head in disgust and walks out. I wonder how he feels this morning.

• The lady at the bar next to me asks if I’m okay as I’m scrunched over my phone like the Hunchback of Notre Dame reading the world’s latest horrors on Twitter. “Yes, why?” I reply. “Oh,” she says. “You’re alone and you look miserable. I just wanted to make sure your headspace is okay.” My goal this week is to work on my mass-shooter vibes despite contending that eating alone in restaurants is one of life’s simpler joys.

• Best Po Boy I’ve had outside of New Orleans. I stopped in on a whim expecting nothing more than to pay too much for bland Short North fare. The Eagle shoved that stereotype down my cavernous throat. I will return!

There are only a few more spots left on the 2019 juggernaut that is the Cleveland Browns, and one of them should go to a 44-year-old kicker coming off hip surgery.

It’s time to bring back Phil Dawson, who was on that 1999 expansion team and was the most consistent player until the Browns plucked Joe Thomas out of a fishing boat in Wisconsin. If anyone deserves to be the first Brown to lift the Lombardi, it’s him.

From dawgpounddaily.com:

Dawson turned 44-years-old in January and is certainly in the final years of his career. However, he is still kicking well, despite kicking for 20 seasons in the NFL. Since the beginning of the 2015 season, Dawson has made 79 of 96 kicks for a 82.3 make percentage and a long of 57 yards. He has also made 91 of 96 extra points for a 94.8 make percentage. 2015 was the first season extra points were being kicked from the 15-yard line.

And even after kicking in a dome for the last two seasons, Dawson has still kicked well outdoors. Since 2015, he has made 84.8 percent of his kicks outdoors. His longest made kick outdoors was 53 yards.

Dawson only attempted eight kicks in 2018, making five, after suffering a hip injury. He was placed on injured reserve in November.

If John Dorsey wants to get back into my good graces after framing the signing of Kareem Hunt as a humanitarian reclamation project, bringing back Big Dick Dawson would be a step in the right direction.

Lake Erie used to be the economic crown jewel of Ohio. As the economic impact of the steam engine decreased, the lake still maintained its majestic beauty until industrial and farm pollution ravished it.

Most of the toxic algae blooms come from farm’s chemical run-offs. That won’t change because the Statehouse is basically a subsidiary of the Farm Bureau.

Due to the state’s inaction, Toledo residents may take the lake’s defense into their own hands with an unorthodox legal gambit.

From Timothy Williams of nyt.com:

The failing health of Lake Erie, the world’s 11th largest lake, is at the heart of one of the most unusual questions to appear on an American ballot: Should a body of water be given rights normally associated with those granted to a person?

Voters in Toledo, Ohio, will be asked this month to decide whether Lake Erie, which supports the economies of four states, one Canadian province and the cities of Toledo, Cleveland and Buffalo, has the legal right “to exist, flourish, and naturally evolve.”

The peculiar ballot question comes amid a string of environmental calamities at the lake — poisonous algal blooms in summer, runoff containing fertilizer and animal manure, and a constant threat from invasive fish. But this special election is not merely symbolic. It is legal strategy: If the lake gets legal rights, the theory goes, people can sue polluters on its behalf.

…

In Toledo, residents and elected officials say they believe the initiative has a good chance of being approved, but there is a catch: The measure’s own backers acknowledge that it is likely to be challenged in court as having little or no legal footing, and that it could ultimately be invalidated as reaching beyond the scope of city law.

Farmers are against the measure, because they claim it will allow people to sue small family farms and and bankrupt them — as if it’s small and not corporate farms doing most of the polluting.

While state leaders love to pay lip service to Lake Erie, its decline can be laid at the feet of Republican administrations who have failed to stem the pollution in any meaningful way. Ohio’s lack of foresight is embarrassing when you compare our efforts to the 20-year cleansing of Lake Michigan.

Due to my constant criticism, you might think I find every Ohio House Representative to be an insufferable idiot. Not so fast! There are a couple who have earned the respect of this renowned blogger with an impeccable hairline.

One is freshman representative Erica Crowley, who unlike most members of the Ohio House, does not come from a privileged background.

From Jim Seigel of thisweeknews.com:

Violence, poverty, two parents addicted to drugs, an unexpected and bedridden pregnancy, lack of health care, lack of food, a failed attempt at college, unemployment, a sick mother — Crawley can find plenty of reasons why her life could have turned out much worse.

Instead, the 38-year-old Columbus Democrat is telling her story from the 11th floor of the Riffe Center, knowing that though she would never wish to relive many of those experiences, they will make her a better representative.

…

A life that started in the 1980s on Youngstown’s rough south side progressed into an unlikely campaign victory in the 26th District on Columbus’ East Side, where, despite having lived in the area only four years, she defeated a sitting member of the Columbus Board of Education in the Democratic primary.

…

Crawley studied for the grueling Ohio bar exam in 2018 while running for office, working and taking care of twin teenagers as a single mom. She had delayed taking the test in 2017 so she could care for her sick mother.

She lost her job as a law clerk at Eastman & Smith in late April, after she was one of the 48 percent who took the exam in February and did not pass.

“I was on unemployment last year while I was campaigning,” she said. “There were times my girls ate and I didn’t. Or I’d just eat some black beans and rice.”

In a functioning democracy, every politician would face an arduous grind to holding office. Nothing but respect for Representative Crowley for weathering the gauntlet. I can’t wait to see what she accomplishes despite serving in a Republican-dominated House.`

Few industries enjoy more access to the Statehouse than the gun lobby. Lawmakers pushed a bill during December’s lame duck session that was so hastily written and ill-reviewed that nobody caught language that banned previously legal guns.

From the Associated Press:

At issue is legislation approved by lawmakers last year that allows off-duty police officers to carry firearms and phases in pre-emption of many local firearms restrictions, among other changes.

The bill also attempted to align Ohio law with federal law regarding short-barrel weapons, or generally speaking shotguns with barrel lengths less than 16 inches.

Such guns are legal under federal law but classified as illegal in Ohio, even though many gun stores sell them. As the bill was being drafted, a misplaced paragraph unintentionally lumped a variety of long guns into a prohibited category.

Those could include semi-automatic AK-47s and any long gun with a pistol grip, which could also affect shotguns used in competitive shooting.

Such are the dangers of letting lobbyists write laws. Look for the Statehouse to rectify the ambiguity soon, because we love our AK-47s in this state.

Ohio Secretary of State Frank LaRose seems like an alright guy when he’s not purging poor and minority voters from Ohio rolls, and I’m not just saying that because he’s currently investigating the Miami County Board of Elections for gross negligence that led to 6,700 early votes not being counted on Election Night. (Fire ‘em all, Frankie!)

However, he must be the first person in history that listens to air traffic control communications(!?) to focus, a hobby he probably obtained serving in the Air Force.

From Maggie Prosser of dispatch.com:

As for his work philosophy, LaRose follows the “clean-desk model.” He keeps a tidy workspace and doesn’t leave his office until he clears the day’s work. To stay focused, LaRose tunes into live air traffic control communications or classical music radio — or Lionel Richie.

LaRose is definitely a name to watch. Lieutenant Governor Jon Husted will get the next crack at the governorship, and LaRose could be the next in line.

THOSE WMDs. 11-year-old arrested for refusing to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance… From tenured professorship to driving school buses… I found out my friend may be a Russian spy — on Twitter… Welfare vs. Wealthfare… Active ingredients in ketamine show promising signs of battling depression… Rift between President Golf Cart and Europe is now open and angry.