February 1, 2019: Look Away, AFC Quarterbacks
Ex-Browns tight end quits NFL to sell crystals, Chris Christie talks shit about John Kasich, and more.
No newsletter Monday because I’m spending Super Bowl Sunday as George Washington intended: Drinking 500 IPAs, eating 20,000 calories of food, and gambling five dollars against the New England Trump Voters. My thoughts won’t be worth reading at the end of that trial by acid reflux disease.
I may cancel Tuesday’s newsletter, too, considering I’ll be on a beach in Aruba spending my $5 bankroll on a martini of Bill Belichick’s Boomer tears.
Anyway, let’s admire some tweets before our daily offering to the shareholders. At least that odious beast January is dead in the dirt for another 11 months.
Let’s hope this father and son are stocked up on lotion:
I’ll never look at snow days the same ever again.
Browns defensive end Myles Garrett spent Thurday afternoon dunking on scrubs and breaking backboards. Somewhere in Pittsburgh, Big Ben shook in terror.
You know the Browns have turned the corner as a franchise because in the olden days this episode would have ended with the glass shards of a decrepit YMCA backboard blinding the best defensive player in franchise history.
Some old-timer may disagree with the last part of that statement. Psh. Garrett would whoop his and his false god’s ass at the same time.
I’ve never been accused of being the smartest man alive, yet fleecing gullible people becomes more tempting with the passing of every moon.
We live in an era where we walk around with the sum of human knowledge in our pockets while millions of people believe fancy rocks have healing powers.
From tmz.com:
Devon Cajuste -- the ex-Cleveland Browns tight end who became a fan favorite on "Hard Knocks" -- is retiring from pro football to focus on his true passion ... healing, spirituality and crystals.
And, if you watched the show ... this really shouldn't come as too big of a surprise.
When he wasn't battling for a roster spot with his father cheering him on ... Devon spent his free time during Browns training camp working with crystals and learning about healing.
In fact, one of the most memorable scenes from the show was when Devon showed off his crystal collection and explained how different crystals emitted different kinds of energy.
The bored Millennial moms and white guys with dreadlocks who finance this scam industry should be forced into a room of crystals whenever they inevitably seek medical help.
The grift would fold in two weeks.
People forget Cardale Jones was going to the NFL before Urban Meyer diverted a New York recruiting flight to Cleveland to convince the Iron King to return to Ohio State.
He should have declared after the title game. Roughly 78% of the NFL is horny for a franchise QB at any given time, and some team would’ve rolled the dice on him in the first round.
Instead he came back to run an offense designed for J.T. Barrett and slid to the fourth round. I’m about to have an aneurysm, so let’s move on.
John Kasich no longer being our irascible weirdo governor isn’t stopping him from making headlines for all the long reasons.
Former New Jersey crime boss Chris Christie recently released a book that I won’t purchase or read. In it, Christie recollected the time Kasich called him to big-time about about finishing second place in the New Hampshire primary to a criminal game-show host with early onset dementia.
From Jonathan V. Last of thebulwurk.com:
He asked how I was doing. I told him, okay, considering. “You know what happened to you, don’t you, Chris?” he said.
I told him I didn’t.
“God wanted you to play right field, and you insisted on playing shortstop. No matter how many times God told you to play right field, you insisted on playing shortstop. And last night, you went out to shortstop, and the ball went through your legs.”
Right there, I understood why so many people in politics despised John Kasich. . . .
“And John,” I asked, “what does God have in mind for you?”
He didn’t hesitate. “I think you’re going to see that very clearly over the next couple of months.”
Nobody loves John Kasich like John Kasich loves John Kasich. I can’t wait to never hear about this asshole ever again.
Two types of people looked at the image above:
People with internet brain disease who instantly recognized the cursed turd flip.
Previously blessed people now cursed to know the cursed turd flip.
Again, I’m sorry I’m like this. It’s my nature, and I just can’t help but wonder… Alabama or Britain?
Thankfully there are journalists willing to do work that I’m not. The viral shit artist is a personal trainer from Liverpool, England.
From Luke O’Neil of hellworld.com:
“The shit wasn’t planned at all,” his friend Paul who posted the video to Twitter elaborated. “Keith was complaining of a bad stomach all day after having a dodgy breakfast. I think he had about five fried eggs with toast.”
“The reaction was actual tears, we were crying, it was hilarious,” Paul said, noting that it was'n’t all that out of the ordinary behavior.
“Yeah I usually get up to no good,” Keith admitted. “I’ve done things I’m not proud of in the past like put a banana up my ass and it snapped. I’ve had a shit in a cemetery and wiped my ass with chippy paper. I did the mess into a sock once too and threw it at my mate’s window. That was funny but I got a slap for that.”
…
“Luckily I don’t have a girlfriend. My actions and the way I act probably tell you why I don’t.”
… What is going on in Liverpool, y’all? I’m ready to fight the Revolutionary War all over again. Evil like Keith cannot be allowed to exist in a world of light. If you hit my window with a shit-filled sock, one of us is dying.
No matter what grand plans you have laid this weekend… there is no chance in hell you will go bigger than Duane Arden Johnson.
From wsvn.com:
SEARLES , Minn. (WSVN) — Police have arrested a man accused of giving his wife drugs shortly before she died in their Minnesota home.
According to the Mankato Free Press, police found 69-year-old Debra Lynn Johnson in her home after her husband, 58-year-old Duane Arden Johnson, called 911.
According to court documents, responding deputies found the words “Death Parde God Hell” (sic) written in red spray paint on the front door of the home.
Johnson reportedly came outside nude, exclaimed that his wife was dead and rushed back inside and started cleaning himself with a soap and bleach mixture.
…..
Johnson told police he had a death party where the couple listen to their favorite song, and he and his wife took methamphetamine.
After his wife died, he said he wrapped her in a blanket “like the bible told me to do.”
What idiot called it a funeral and not a death party? Sounds like Mr. Johnson has a vision. We should hear him out. It sounds like he’s onto something.
THOSE WMDs. When 20,000 American Nazis descended on New York City… In April 2018, a blind man with one foot robbed a bank in Austin… A conversation with New York City’s most prominent political heckler… One lawyer, one day, 194 felony cases… Democrats should be pragmatic in 2020 — and wage class war… The Mayor of Los Angeles who wasn’t there… The All-American nightmares of Jordan Peele.