For Whom The Bucks Toll

Showed up at my haters' funeral just to make sure those bozos were dead.

We’re gathered here today for an emergency summit required by the tectonic shift under Ohio State Buckeye online culture that my derelict readers demanded I work overtime to parse.

Welcome to a fabled BONUS ROOSTER.

Some Buckeye fans don’t like me, and personally, I understand why. I’m a flawed individual with psychological problems that require an army of therapists to work through. Yet, I have one undeniable skill: Being able to identify grifters and charlatans that should be excommunicated from the Buckeye Kingdom at the soonest possibility.

Let’s have a rundown on my enemies and how they’re faring these days:

• Former Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer. This Dublin Dad is currently 0-1 in the NFL after his Jacksonville Jaguars got shellacked by the Houston Texans, the preseason “Worst Team in the NFL” pick, in Week 1. His current team hates him and his former Ohio State players are talking about how much he sucks. Also just yesterday he was exposed as a freak who keeps 500 pictures on a coffee table in the middle of his living room as if he and his wife are aliens wearing human skin while their brain software tries to determine what normal things normal humans would do when a local reporter comes into their house to perform a soft profile.

• The Defector dropped a searing investigative piece on former Ohio State wide receiver coach Zach Smith that reaffirmed he is an unrepentant wife-beating piece of shit who was protected by Meyer and Ohio State as an institution. He’s currently touting gambling picks to morons on his website.

This would be normally be enough schadenfreude to heat my landlord’s spare house throughout this coming winter. And yet, although Hell is upon us, the Heavens still take their time to shine and smile upon our lowly lives to remind us that life is very good.

Ohio State subscription website Buckeye Scoop fired two more of my lesser-known enemies, Kirk Barton and Ken Stickney (aka NevadaBuck) yesterday.

Let the streets tell it, and Ohio State sent Scoop a cease and desist letter after they caught Stickney paying legacy long-snapper Roen McCollough to watch practice film while injured and report various “nuggets” to him that he could sprinkle within the lies he peddles to moronic Ohio State fans to make them feel they belong to a prestigious “insider club.”

I covered the Stickney’s scam back in May. He responded by claiming he paid “less than zero” attention to the post he chose to log into his message board account to respond to:

Meanwhile, the college student that Nevada preyed upon to feed his insane message board ego was forced into a fake medical retirement while posing like Brazilian “president” Jair Bolsonaro during his sixteenth trip to the hospital:

Roen McCullough @roenmccullough

I’ve decided to medically retire from football… #BuckeyeNation

You would think forcing a fucking long snapper into early retirement would be enough for these freaks. But that’s because you aren’t addicted to the scam like they were.

Here’s what Kirk Barton said about me when I had the audacity to write an article, which was my job at the time, about the time he got drunk on Fireball with then-Congressional candidate Anthony Gonzalez at the Bogey Inn during the Memorial Tournament before becoming unruly and getting tased and arrested by Sheriff County Sheriff’s deputies:

Yes, I am a proud communist. But unfortunately for Barton I have a great career, a beautiful girlfriend, no kids to my knowledge, and I would much rather execute rich guys than force them to pay for everything in my life.

If he hates average, I can only imagine how he’s feeling this morning as a literal used car salesman who just got fired from his online sinecure because he betrayed the Buckeye brotherhood by posting details of a practice open to former players.

Don’t take my word for it; here’s former Ohio State tight end Jake Stoneburner:

Jake Stoneburner @jake_STONEYY

Don’t even get me started on that subject… shadiest of them all. If y’all only knew … https://t.co/Slumf4Tjhx

BoffBuck @BoffBuck

@jake_STONEYY What about Kirk Barton being over there? Dude seems to have lost it a little no?

Jake Stoneburner @jake_STONEYY

He’s a bum who betrayed the OSU brotherhood. Don’t be surprised if that website loses all its access to Ohio State.

Rich @gobucks219821

@jake_STONEYY Yeah but you didn't try and break a cops arm in a car door did you? I'm just saying the dude comes off as a dick.

Barton’s animal instincts will be to go back to participating in a mid-level marking scheme like AdvoCare. But he will be roped into hustling Buckeye fans by participating in an inevitable collaboration between him, NevadaBuck and the former wide receiver coach who owes nearly three years in child support.

They’ll garner an audience of derelicts, perverts and and people who haven’t read a book since middle school because Ohio State is that large of a fanbase.

And yet, it’s rare you see scumbags of this caliber dragged through the street and humiliated in such a fashion. This week should be celebrated, no matter how the miscreants involved will try to reinvent themselves to keep the scam going.

Let this be a lesson for the haters, losers and bozos. They can lie, bluster and scheme all they want… but at the end of the day, it will be my word that finds them. That’s the Rooster difference.

THOSE WMDs. The strange 19th-century sport that was cooler than football… When everyone’s quitting except you… The secret to a fight-free relationship… How to make new friends as an adult… The Trials of Diet Prada.