Franklin County Not Ready for Revolution
Joyce Beatty is going back to Washington for some reason.
I routinely stay awake until 6 a.m. since time no longer matters. That’s fine and good except when I’m waiting for results on Election Night. By roughly 1 a.m. this morning I figured the Franklin County Board of Elections was trying to kill me. They had yet to post a single vote which I learned later was by decree of Secretary State Frank LaRose for some reason.
The results posted around 1:30 a.m. I instantly rued my decision:
America is more right-wing than perhaps any non-authoritarian country in the world. As a dedicated leftist, you soon realize Corporate Democrats hate your views as much as they do Republicans’. Maybe more since they think you’re on their team and should thusly shut the fuck up and eat your centrist gruel of tax credits and access to “affordable healthcare,” whatever that means.
You learn the taste of electoral defeat rather quickly, which helps explain some of my behavior after Bernie Sanders rolled to victory in Nevada.
Morgan Harper represented the best chance to issue the dawg check the Franklin County Democratic Party that has ruthlessly disenfranchised any opponent from the left or right on the local level. I hate machine politics on either side. It’s the antithesis of democracy and allows shitty people to prosper.
The problem is the Corporate Democrats learned their lesson when they wrote off Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The days of ambushing these bootlickers is gone.
Harper was better financed than any challenger that has dared match wits with the Franklin County Democratic Party. It didn’t matter. The results mirrored the City Council races: ~33% of Columbus Democratic voters want change.
The others are satisfied with the status quo as long as their property values continue to increase and the Short North expands so they can pretend to live in New York City while not tipping Uber drivers. These are the same people that elected Andy Ginther as mayor months after he got caught accepting bribes from a red light ticketing company. I wish I were making any of that up.
It’s depressing that in times like these, a large majority of fellow Democrats look at Joyce Beatty and think, “This is as good as it gets, baby!”
It’s amazing to me how her campaign somehow survived lying about her credentials let alone no-commenting about bribery in broad daylight.
But she did! Congratulations to the odious Corporate Democrats. You sent another millionaire to Congress. I’m sure the health insurance executives are quaking in their $1,500 loafers.
If I listen closely, I’m sure I can hear the clinking of champagne glasses emanating from a $3 million mansion on the edge of the district in Blacklick. I feel confident in saying this is as close as Beatty will come to The Bottoms in the next two years.
Harper goes down a legend. She made Joyce Beatty knock doors. She made her spend money. She made her campaign. There should be no free rides to Congress. It’s too important and none of these seats belong to individual politicians no matter how much that one Beatty staffer tried to argue with me at Main Bar that one time when it was legal to hang out in crowded indoor spaces with germ-infested strangers.
Campaigning is a lonely, grueling road without a couple million of dollars from your corporate sponsors in the coffers and a political machine behind your back that can distribute your beaming face on sample ballots across the district with a snap of some bureaucrat’s fingers.
It’s especially grueling when you’re in direct opposition to that corporate money and machine.
It takes balls to do what Harper did, and I hope this isn’t the last we have heard from her in the public arena. I know what it’s like to lose an election by those margins. It’s a lonely place to be. I only recently realized to what a dark place my loss sent me. And she had a much better chance to win than I ever did.
Harper has nothing to be ashamed of. She comfortably beat the prediction of a former Ohio Democratic Party Chairman that now sells wine for obvious reasons:
I’ve had that tweet saved for damn near a year. I should have spent St. Patrick’s Day inebriated and talking shit to Redfern. Alas, I can take solace in knowing that the man who surrendered Ohio to the Republicans was once again wildly wrong.
IT WASN’T A GOOD NIGHT FOR REPUBLICAN INSURGENTS EITHER
Don’t ask me how it happened. I honestly don’t remember. One day I found a Twitter DM in my inbox from State Senate Candidate Melissa Ackison who was running for a seat representing my fabled hometown of Marion, Ohio.
I bamboozled her into thinking I had connections within the Ohio Republican Party. For the last three months, I’ve concocted wild fantasies about Republican operatives trying to destroy her campaign. Should she post a video about it? Absolutely, I said. The Republicans are worried about your charisma.
I thought she would win. As somebody who has to live in a state controlled by drunk preachers, used car salesmen and the vapid offspring of business tycoons, it’s hard for me to to respect Republican primary voters. They aren’t exactly sending their best to Columbus.
While Ackison built a brand, it appears she was too crazy for even Republican primary voters.
From tiffinohio.net:
“If you get sent to collections for failing to pay for your boob job, you might be named Melissa Ackison,” the post states.
“I don’t have fake breasts. Hate to break it to the haters but I’ve actually had two breast reductions,” Ackison said in a statement to TiffinOhio.net.
Ackison, who is running in a heated Republican primary race for the 26th district state senate seat, claims she was previously “a size J before having massive amounts of tissue removed because my frame is so tiny.”
“Do I now need to break out my medical records?” Ackison said. “When I would walk anywhere with a bathing suit on, I literally had men breaking their necks because they couldn’t believe what they were seeing! I’ve ALWAYS been known for my giant lips and gigantic breasts!”
Hard to get into a State Senate when your huge rack has killed legions of leering horny men trying to get a second glance. In retrospect she needed every one of those votes.
Anybody can take the high road when they’re the winner. Losing has a way of exposing your character. I know Jena Powell’s camp expected me to melt down on Twitter when she ran my pockets. I didn’t do that because it’s a bad look. You kick my ass and I’ll tip my cap. Every time.
Ackison went the other way.
Ackison and I last “spoke” Monday night when I assured her Republican henchmen were biting their nails over this result. She said once she was elected to the “the safe zone,” she was going to expose Jim Jordan for turning a blind eye to sexual abuse by the wrestling team doctor while he served as an assistant coach.
I had heard her fallback plan was to try to primary Jordan. I hope she does because Jordan absolutely did that, and I support anyone that makes Jordan’s life of grifting more difficult.
OTHER ELECTION NIGHT NOTES:
Terra Goodnight, a dear friend of The Rooster and someone you should follow on Twitter, won a seat on the Franklin County Democratic Party Executive Committee with 56% of the vote in a race she specifically told me she would lose due to not canvassing. I got a couple races wrong this cycle. This wasn’t one of them.
Bryan Clark, a senior henchman of Mayor Ginther who I can from personal experience vouch is a gaping asshole, lost his seat on the FCDP Executive County by 25%. I have no doubt this will further solidify his hatred of leftists, and I look forward to his next viral Facebook rant in which he shows his ass to the general public.
I’m too lazy to cross-reference all races for the FCDP Executive County, but I’m told from a reliable source that the Rep Your Block insurgency campaign “clipped a few notable [Corporate] Dems.” (You’re damn right my girl Terra clipped one.)
Lameduck Representative Candice Keller, last seen trying to funnel public money into her fake pregnancy crisis centers and blaming mass shootings on gay NFL players who smoke weed, lost her primary by 17 points. If God is real, this is the last time we will hear from Candice Keller.
Alice DeWine, daughter of the governor, spent six-figures campaigning to become prosecutor of Greene County. She lost by 18 points.
Niraj Antani (R-Sewer) waltzed to a primary victory and now stands one election away from tripling his political power. Mark Fogel, you’re our only hope!
Crystal Lett (D) won her District 16 primary with 76% of the vote in a three-way race. Her opponent Stephanie Kunze is a dead woman walking in what should be a relatively easily flip until Republicans get to re-draw the district after November.
A woman who had “Gym Jordan” in her Twitter biography won a three-way primary to take on Jim Jordan in November for the OH-4 crown. Please do not donate to her campaign. Her only chance at winning is if Jordan dies, and she doesn’t need your money to claim that victory. There will be plenty of wealthy coastal idiots that will line her pockets without knowing how gerrymandered his district is.
Down in Cincinnati (OH-1), Kate Schroeder looked like she defeated Nicki Foster in a race that isn’t fully reported. She’ll face Republican Steve Chabot in November for the only chance the Democrats have at flipping a Congressional seat.
Alaina Swope, a friend of The Rooster, won an uncontested primary to face Adam Holmes in Ohio House District 97.
Zach Stepp, former campaign manager of OH-4 Congressional candidate Janet Garrett, won an uncontested primary to take on Gayle Manning in Ohio House District 55.
Ted Jones, a retired vet from Piqua whom I beat in a head-to-head contest to run against Jena Powell in 2018, won a write-in campaign to face Powell in November. His campaign will be a lot different than mine, and hopefully he gets different results! Unlike me, he actually has roots in the community.
Christina Hagan, the original author of the Heartbeat Bill who lost a Congressional primary in 2018 to former Ohio State wide receiver Anthony Gonzalez, has carpet-bagged into the Mahoning Valley and won a primary to face Tim Ryan in November. I assume they’ll send the HVAC heiress packing.
I still need to parse through the results and do my own investigations, but I hope to run an article on my favorite Statehouse candidates and winnable races that are worthy of your financial support.
As always, Americans pay too much attention to federal politics and not enough to state and local politicians.
DEWINE FLIP FLOPS TWICE WITHIN 24 HOURS
Mike DeWine on Monday said masks would be mandatory in public and work places in order to re-start Ohio’s economy.
Then Republicans did what they do best: Bitch about common-sense public health policy and equate having to wear a piece of cloth as tyranny. DeWine reversed course on Tuesday at his press conference in which he could not give one iota of a medical reason for the reversal.
A funny thing happened after that! DeWine flip-flopped again.
From Darrel Rowland of dispatch.com who put the question to DeWine in the video above:
Then, early Tuesday evening — a bit over two hours after DeWine’s news briefing ended — the governor’s office said masks generally would be required in the workplace and for store employees.
“Face coverings would still be mandated for employees unless wearing a face covering is not advisable by a health care professional, goes against industry best practices, or is not permitted by federal or state laws and regulations,” DeWine’s office said in a statement.
Dan Tierney, DeWine’s press secretary, said revised online material posted Tuesday afternoon stating masks were not required for employees in both the workplace and stores was in error. The governor’s prepared remarks were silent on the topic, Tierney said.
One of the biggest pandemic lessons to come out of Europe was that governments must be clear and concise when dictating mandates to the public. And they should do it as early as possible.
DeWine failed his dawg check on this one.
THOSE WMDs. Exercise can be an effective way to treat depression; why American don’t prescribe it…The war on coffee… The perfect man who wasn’t… How military pilots fall asleep anywhere in two minutes or less… Young and middle-aged people, barely sick with COVID-19, are dying of strokes.