Get Dumped Then, Derek Merrin
Fair warning to any Ohio legislator: The Rooster will gleefully stick a dagger in your back and then gloat over your corpse on the internet.
I rode my bike to the arcane cesspit that is the Ohio Statehouse yesterday. My enemies can say what they want about me, at least when I stick a knife in a man’s back, I do the courtesy of letting the victim get a good look at my melon Irish head as they bleed out on the floor. I want them to know it was me who did them in.
I awoke yesterday to news that, seemingly out of the blue, the race for the Ohio House Speakership was “suddenly in flux,” as one ostensibly respectable outlet phrased it.
One anonymous lawmaker was more blunt:
That wasn’t a surprise to members of the Patriots Caucus. The Rooster dropped a New Year’s Eve dime on Speaker-Elect Derek Merrin (R-Monclova Township) vacationing with the well-known sexual predator Wes Goodman, weeks before his national scandal broke in 2017.
I was told that if I dropped that dime, it would break the back of Merrin’s fragile coalition and throw the election to State Rep. Jason Stephens (R-Kitts Hill).
I’m no fan of Stephens. But I’m a bigger hater of Merrin and the Christian for Center Virtue, the most diabolical anti-gay lobbying group in the state.
There are no guarantees in this business. I was content just ruining Merrin’s New Year’s Eve plans, whatever they may be, which were apparently mourning the death of his holy roller father two days before I hit him with a brick. Oh well. Not my problem.
I arrived at the overflow room and sat next to Pastor Dan Wolvin, the State Director of Awaken America Ohio. I know this because he was wearing a nametag that said, “Pastor Dan Wolvin, State Director of Awaken America Ohio.”
He said he hoped Merrin would win. I asked if he had seen “the picture." He said he had.
“That was a wild picture, huh?” I asked.
“Oh yeah,” he said.
Wolvin, who did not know who in the Hell I was, said he thought the picture helped Merrin seal the election because when those pictures got released, on-the-fence Republican members came back to Merrin because they realized “the dark forces at work against him.”
If only he knew how dark those forces really were.
At one point, I did think Merrin would win despite him looking like he just stumbled out of a Soviet gulag:
I could not contain myself when the vote denying Merrin came down.
“YES!” I shouted while everybody in the overflow room looked at me like they wanted to hang me upside down from the chandelier. To see those nerds gasp at the first wave of Stephens votes and frantically trying to count them on the tube television is something I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
Because it’s not just Merrin we put into the dumpster. Some other hilarious names went down with him and will now be relegated to the backbench for not having the smarts to jump ship to the winning team like Rep. Jon Cross (R-Kenton) did.
Here are some of my favorite losers on the day. The linked names are features in the ongoing, Who’s This Legislative Dipshit? series.
Brian Stewart (R-Ashville)
Rep. Gary Click (R-Fremont)
Susan Manchester (R-Waynesfield)
Scott Wiggam (R-Wooster)
Jena Powell (R-Arcanum)
Phil Plummer (R-Dayton)
Sara Fowler-Arthur (R-Geneva-on-the-Lake)
Of all of them, I couldn’t help but twist the dagger on Rep. Stewart, who was only talking shit a couple of weeks ago about how my name is “Dylan” and I have a blog that nobody reads:
Just weeks ago, Rep. Stewart was spearheading an initiative to raise the passing limit on citizen ballot initiatives from 50 percent to 60 percent. That blew up in his face when an internal memo got leaked exposing him as a bad-faith liar.
Now, he just saw his newfound leadership position go up in smoke, too.
Rep. Click described Republicans who voted with Democrats to deny Merrin the Speakership as “corrupt.” But you know I couldn’t resist busting his ass either.
And yeah, that’s my bad on the quality of the video. In my defense, I was vibrating with an ongoing dopamine overdose.
It was so funny to see all the bizarrely built, shiny-faced freaks in the flesh, utterly distraught at having the rug pulled out from under their political ascension.
Merrin could have rode the Speakership to the State Senate, and then to a statewide office. That was no doubt his plan for a guy who got into politics at 19 thanks to his father’s evangelical empire. Now? Who knows? But it ain’t like he’s going back to Waterville to be mayor. Lot harder to turn that job into a corruption spigot.
I don’t consider publishing Merrin fraternizing with a sexual predator (who is still active, by the way!) as “outing” him. He could have just said no and that would have been the end of it.
Instead, he’s trapped in the anti-gay culture that his father and he worked to enshrine in this state’s political culture. That ain’t my problem. My only regret is the old man didn’t live to see his son eat shit because he lied to his colleagues.
Because I’ll tell you this much: Dropping that dime on Merrin had a more direct political impact than any vote I’ve ever cast in this god-forsaken state.
I am, however, under no illusion that this will turn Ohio into a progressive bastion. Stephens and his ilk are pushing their desire for a “more moderate” and a “more bipartisan” Statehouse with this selection. That’s horseshit and any reporter repeating those quotes without proper context is actually a stenographer.
At least I’m upfront about my agenda and biases, unlike these nerds who would rather reprint lies than acknowledge an insane communist blogger who just played an outsized role in ending Derek Merrin’s political career like that’s a common occurrence in the political arena of this crooked state.
I caught Rep. Stephens leaving the Republican celebration at Classic’s Bar on High Street later that night. (Thanks to the Patriots Caucus member for the tip!) He was climbing into an SUV with his security team.
“Rep. Stephens!” I said.
He looked like he had just got informed he had a terminal case of testicular cancer when he saw me walking towards the vehicle.
“You owe Xi Jinping a favor!” I said because it was the only thing that came to my mind.
His security guy walked me to the curb to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. I complimented him on the smooth dump of Stephens into the SUV. They shielded him well, all things considered. I had figured their crew had left by the time I got there and didn’t expect to see them while leaving.
“How far did you drive today to do all this?” he asked.
“Shit, I don’t drive,” I said. “I rode my bike.”
Most of the time in this world, that’s all you need.
King shit.
More effort and effect in one blog post than David Pepper managed in years