Who's This Legislative Dipshit?
Who's This Legislative Dipshit?
You know many sewer creatures lurk in the Statehouse, but there are many more evil spirits you know nothing about. Here's a river monster as an example.
I was reading an Associated Press article yesterday about some wan 25-year-old Ohio legislative staffer and his ridiculous side quest to obtain the signatures of every state legislator on their respective Chamber of Commerce-produced “trading card.”
Purchasing and carrying a deck of Statehouse trading cards would be a capital offense under a functioning government. On this timeline, however, this weird weasel has burrowed his way into a sphere of power, which is no doubt in detriment to the rest of us that actually have to work for a living.
One legislative source described the aide as an “unvaxxed, home-schooled freak” before conceding they “don’t interact with him enough to know any more because he’s creepy and uncomfortable to be around.”
“He is weird as hell,” another legislative source said.
The article got me wondering… who would hire such a diseased criminal as an assistant? The answer turned out to be a Republican from the mighty village of New Richmond along the Ohio River.
Prior to opening this cursed email, would you have been able to name the man in the header photo for $1 million even if I had given you one million guesses? I would not have passed the test, either. That guy looks like an insurance salesman whose entire personality revolves around running half marathons.
The man in the picture is Rep. Adam Bird of New Richmond in Brown County.
Bird came to power with 4,787 votes in a decisive Republican Primary within the 66th District of Ohio, after the previous representative, former Rep. Doug Green, fell victim to term limits.
Bird defeated a Larry Householder-backed candidate in that primary, though that candidate later dropped a dime on Householder and became “Witness 1” in charging documents of the RICO case against the disgraced former Speaker of the Ohio House.
Bird won the general election with 96% of the vote after running “virtually unopposed.”
It might surprise you to learn Bird spent 33 years in public education before Columbus, working his way from teacher to superintendent. Though, somewhat curiously, his official biography does not mention his own academic credentials.
One of the first things Rep. Bird decided to do in office was try to put one of the the nation’s most hated football programs on our license plates mere months after Alabama blasted Ohio State in the national championship.
The Ohio House passed the bill, though it died shortly thereafter… but not before before catching the attention of one former pupil:
Bird is straight out of Republican Candidate Central Casting, which means he describes himself as a Christian Conservative and all the cursed policies that come with it.
Bird is a co-sponsor of Ohio’s newest anti-abortion abomination, which is even more cruel than the one recently passed in Texas. The state is doing the fiscially conservative thing by spending an untold amount of money defending the indefensible in the court of law.
Back in March, Bird proudly voted for Senate Bill 22, which curtailed the Health Department’'s ability to respond to a once-in-a-lifetime plague after the legislature overrode Governor Mike DeWine’s veto on the matter.
Six months later, his predecessor, former Rep. Doug Green, would die of coronavirus. Bird said Green’s death was “a great loss to [Brown] County, but a great gain in Heaven.”
THREAT LEVEL: Low. Very low.
As you can see in any of Bird’s Facebook videos, the man has the charisma of a sexually repressed teenager who spent his adolecense jerking off to models in the SEARS catalogue. Bird got the job primarily by being friends with the last asshole in charge, who he later helped kill with a cavalier approach to the pandemic.
He is forever destined to be a backbencher within his caucus, though he is smart enough to latch onto whatever dumb culture war nonsense the Republican Caucus has dredged up to feed their hog primary voters who think Joe Biden has applesauce for brains but also orchestrated the theft of a presidential election.
Term limits ensure that utterly unremarkable men like Bird will continue to shuffle through the Statehouse like its a turnstile to a public transit project that none of them believe in anyway. He was not the first, and he won’t be the last.
In Ohio that kind of mediocrity qualifies you for a $68,000 salary with a full benefits package in exchange for pretending to work for three months a year.
CORRECTION: A previous version of this article wrongly attributed quotes about Bird’s aide to Bird himself. The Rooster regrets the error.
THOSE WMDs. The culture revisionism industry… Paid experts help exonerate police after deaths in custody… He never touched the murder weapon and Alabama sentenced him to die… Winter brings several rare birds to Ohio… The director of the next Star Trek film is a 9-11 truther.