When I came back from Costa Rica last month, my friend Patrick had radicalized me over the coronavirus coming to America. It didn’t take a brain genius to realize that President Business Deals, who was already downplaying the threat that caused China to quarantine cities of 15 million people and build hospitals in 10 days, would have America flat-footed when the day of reckoning came.
Today, I feel vindicated in that belief:
As I told The Columbus Dispatch a week ago tonight in a soliloquy that was apparently too hot for print—my calculus for Cuba was simple.
I would rather weather the storm in a tiny Communist country in the Caribbean with universal healthcare, no Second Amendment and citizens capable of following simple instructions from their government during a global pandemic.
You might not know Cuba produced biotech medicine that helped turned the tide against the virus in China. Of course none of this is available in America due our disdain for that time the tiny island nation tried to arm itself with nuclear weapons against the nuclear super power right next door.
While America looks inwards due to learning nothing from China’s bungled initial response, China and Cuba are looking outward to help establish a new world order:
I should have already been in Cuba by last Thursday.
In my defense, I thought we were having an election on Tuesday and that Saturday and Sunday would be prime times to canvass for Bernie Sanders and OH-3 Congressional candidate Morgan Harper.
Little did I know I lived in one of about four states in America that took their coronavirus response seriously.
I began self-isolation in earnest last Saturday. I lived in a different state 24 hours later.
I wrestled with my decision longer than I should have.
In the end, it came to lack of coronavirus testing and my cats. Coronavirus spreads primarily through asymptomatic young people. There is no way to tell if I have the disease right now. Doctors would laugh my honkey ass back to the Bottoms if I went to the hospital and requested a corona swab.
I was also due to fly through Miami, which is about to look like a war zone by this time next week thanks to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh brainwashing millions of Baby Boomers and the influx of Zoomer Spring Breakers that are too dumb to understand the threat their actions pose to society.
Not to mention that for an otherwise 33-year-old, I probably have a heightened risk to coronavirus mortality due to being a chronic marijuana smoker since the age of [redacted] and doing more [redacted] and [redacted] than was probably healthy for my heart.
Coronavirus could easily dump my ass.
Then there’s my feline army. While I have no doubt I could weather a summer in Cuba, it wouldn’t be possible to find someone to tend to Stinky and Starcat (as well as the three strays that live under my front porch) with the tender love and care that I do.
Especially since I failed to cajole my brother north from Nashville to live in my house rent and bill-free through Aug. 1. S-Dogg seems convinced that living in a house with the only bomb shelter in Davidson County will protect him from a virus?? I don’t know. No longer my problem.
What is my problem is I’m stuck in America, land of the free and home of the brave, during a once-in-a-lifetime plague in which our president is a braindead sociopath cartoon villain who only gives a fuck about enriching himself and his toady children.
President Business Deals’ new plan of attack seems to be scapegoating the famous Chinese Communist Party. He joined Joe Biden in talking about “consequences” for China, which I guess is the Baby Boomer way of volunteering to be first ones on the boat for a land war in Asia.
I wish them nothing but the worst of luck in their suicide mission.
Meanwhile, the ostensible opposition party led by Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi is talking about tax credits and low-interest loans as more people lose their jobs and question the future of their livelihood.
Trump only cares about today, which is why every American in the near future will probably receive a $10,000 check with his ridiculous signature on it. Trump will then steamroll Biden’s pitiful, incoherent pleas to return to the halcyon days of Obama without realizing those years led to Trump in the first place.
I live next to a frequently trafficked alley in Franklinton. I’ve seen some wild shit since I moved here in August. This week, however, has been so quiet that it makes me feel like I live in the suburbs.
That has changed in the last few days. The freaks start barking around midnight and they’re getting increasingly more frustrated. State and local officials certainly don’t seem concerned by their plight. And why would they? Neither Ohio Republicans or Columbus Democrats actually give a shit about marginalized citizens.
What’s a man like me supposed to do at this point? Sit around and watch his neighbors suffer due to the inaction of wealthy politicians? Continue cussing at these bums on Twitter? Maybe I’ll do direct action, as a treat.
If I’m not going to be in Cuba, I might as well continue organizing my neighborhood Maoist gun club.
Our politicians have about two weeks to put cash into the hands of the average American before things get grim. You read it here first, which is a change of pace from when you usually read it here second.
A worldwide plague is like the one thing other than worldwide war that can wake a docile populace. There are no sports. There are no bars. There are no sit-down restaurants.
Meanwhile, our unemployment rate is skyrocketing:
State and local politicians better get their ass in gear. Appearing at a precinct every two to four years is not the only option we have, especially in this era where more and more normal-brained people realize that their boss wants to kill them and their government doesn’t care about them.
THOSE WMDs. Teen models, powerful men and private dinners: When Trump hosted Look of the Year… Kids put on porch concert for self-isolating elderly neighbor… GOP Senator’s upbeat COVID—19 diagnosis: It will only kill 3.4% of our population (roughly 11 million people)… The killing of a Colorado rancher… From 2016: Bernie Sanders does his own laundry and grocery shopping… America is a sham.