Jane Timken: My Enemies Have Small Dicks

Steel scion Jane Timken says her opponents exhibit symptoms of Male Hypogonadism in one of the weirdest campaign ads I've seen in awhile.

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"We all know guys who overcompensate for their inadequacy,” Ohio Republican Senate candidate Jane Timken says in a new ad where she talks in a way that leads me to believe she’s high on Ambien. “And that fits the guys in the Senate race to a ‘T’.”

I gotta say. I knew the Republican primary to replace Rob Portman would be dark and full of terrors. I did not expect Jane Timken, a Harvard-educated surbanite who married into one of the richest families in the state, to cut an add accusing her opponents of having small dick energy.

And frankly, that’s on me.

Timken is the former Ohio Republican chairman — state party rules call everybody a chairman regardless of gender — who had the inside track for the Bad Orange Man’s divine endorsement until she blundered by initially defending Rep. Anthony Gonzalez’s impeachment vote.

Gonzalez already quit like a dog rather than stand his ground against MAGA wrath, and Timken now condemns him while using every opportunity to boast about persuading Ohio to elect a demented sex criminal to the highest office in the land not once but twice.

She’s now cutting ads that name-drop Trump twice while proudly displaying that time she stood next to Donald Trump for a photo, which means she’s half way to Jeffrey Epstein’s mark.

Timken won the coveted endorsement of that nerd Rob Portman earlier this week in a move that said less about her chutzpuh and more about the millions in Timken family money that have flowed into Republican causes over the years, including Portman’s own campaigns.

And yet, for all her wealth and political connections, Timken has floundered in the polls. Despite electrifying ads such as the one seen above, she’s failing to garner attention in the primary of a party whose entire identity rests upon overcompensating for inadequacy.

Her ad reaks of getting hustled by some reptillian consultant (repetitive, I know) into this public pledge of fealty to Trump where she pulls off the somewhat remarkable feat of displaying symptoms of low-T herself.

There is one more phrase that you can expect to hear more and more from Republicans as they capitalize on parents’ frustrations over the pandemic as a way of doing anything but improving the material condition of parents themselves or the teachers in our schools:

dāv @onetakedizzle

@freak_leader “Parents’ rights” is an INCREDIBLE turn of phrase. That’s the first time I’m hearing what will almost definitely become one of the most worn out phrases of the next 2 years.

As I said on Twitter, the phrase “parents’ rights” will be effective because it activates the suicide bomber chip in the minds of two key Republican constituencies: casually racist suburban women scared about Critical Race Theory and dads who lost custody in family court.

The ad is also the first time I’ve seen a candidate mention frontrunner Josh Mandel, even if it’s in a picture immediately dumped on the floor.

I’m not sure why opponents have treated Mandel with kid gloves. After all, even Trump thinks he’s an uncharismatic weirdo sex pest. My only guess is that they’re scared of increasing his name ID, which leads the field by a large margin.

At the end of the day, we can take solace in knowing that it’s likely Timken will spend millions of dollars of her husband’s money while traversing every inch of the state only to eat shit and watch one of her small-dicked enemies claim victory.

I once considered Timken a dark horse. But unless Trump intercedes with an endorsement—and I don’t think he will—her best case scenario is finishing second to the likes of Josh Mandel or Mike Gibbons. Her most likely destiny is third place behind some combo of those two.

While that will no doubt be devastating to the kind of ego required to run for Senate, Timken can take solace in the fact she won’t finish last like J.D. Vance.

THOSE WMDs. Ibram X. Kennedy does not run the Democratic Party… Stevie Nicks is living her dreams… A robot bought my seven-year-old car for more than I paid brand new… Stop tossing your banana peels on the trail… The world’s biggest bouncy house is coming to Columbus this spring.