January 10th, 2018

Browns hire Kitchens, Justin Fields' waiver timeline, Columbus gets the New York Times treatment, and more.

You might look at the picture above and see a suburban accountant who just realized he’s going to jail for suspicion of drunk driving after failing to bribe a police officer with a $20 Burger King gift card.

Browns fans see Alabama Moses despite the lack of a biblical beard. His burning bush was a Baker Mayfield dong flop and his tablets of testimony were eight games as interim offensive coordinator.

One report says the Browns fell ass-backwards into a hire that elated a majority of the fanbase.

What a smooth-brained play from Mike McCarthy, the only guy other than Josh McDaniels that would have thrown me into a tantrum had the Browns hired him. We salute your courage, sir! We are forever in your debt.

As for Kitchens, I’d much rather roll with the guy that has proven chemistry with Mayfield over a failed retread like McCarthy or a random tight ends coach.

Of course there’s risk. This is Cleveland. But we already got a payoff yesterday when Colin Cowherd went on a two-minute, thirty-second rant against the Browns and Kitchens, whom in typical Baby Boomer fashion admonished him for not being a “grown man” at 43-years-old.

The Browns will cuck Radio Rick Reilly in a similar fashion to LeBron James turning Skip Bayless into Shannon Sharpe’s crotchety punching bag. I look forward to Cowherd crying on national television in 2020 when Kitchens and Mayfield bring the Lombardi Trophy to the banks of Lake Erie.

Anybody who isn’t excited about Kitchens should go back and watch the film. The man can coach.

Former five-star quarterback Justin Fields landed at Ohio State last week, despite tweets from presumed Buckeye starting quarterback Tate Martell.

Martell is no stranger to trash talking potential quarterbacks — going all the way back to 2016 when, as a commit, he anointed himself as the next starter and told a random fan that the only remaining Aggie quarterback was “ass, my dude.”

NCAA transfer rules likely won’t save him.

From Dan Murphy of espn.com:

Thomas Mars, an attorney who helped six former Ole Miss players secure waivers to play immediately after transferring in 2018, is helping Fields and Ohio State put together an argument that would allow him to skip the required one-year waiting period after a transfer. Mars said he is optimistic that the process will move quicker than it did for the Ole Miss players last year.

"My prediction would be the next six weeks," Mars said Wednesday morning.

Mars added that a September incident, in which a (now former) Georgia baseball player repeatedly slurred Fields, won’t be the only issue in his hardship waiver request.

I’m thankful for a QB competition between two players who don’t like each other. It’ll offer a welcome change of pace from the platitudes usually offered during derbies.

Given that Ryan Day recruited Fields, it’s hard to envision a way this doesn’t end with Martell transferring to a a school with a shallower depth chart. Liberty will get a capable quarterback who will win a lot of games for the Flames under Hugh Freeze.

If I were half the scumbag some folks say I am, I would be rich on a foreign beach pumping insane propaganda aimed at the memaws and pawpaws of America’s heartland who are scared of brown people despite not living near any.

From The Washington Post, here’s the age breakdown of a recent study into who shares fake news:

The best predictor of sharing fake news? Being over age 65.

Ah, who could’ve seen that coming!? Thank you to Facebook for morphing from an STD app for college students into a democracy-shredding amplifier for America’s army of racist uncles who haven’t fucked since the night Reagan got re-elected. It’s cool the most likely people to vote in our society are largely news illiterate.

And keep in mind, this study only looked at sharing fake news. It doesn’t cover people that consume fake news and go into the real world thinking they’re armed with worldly knowledge about the blood-drinking cult working against our president at every turn.

My favorite national columns are East Coasters marveling at Columbus’ gems like high-speed internet and bars and restaurants.

From Daniel Scheffler of The New York Times, which named Columbus No. 49 of 52 places to visit in 2019:

With a revitalized riverfront and booming downtown, Columbus is already one of the nation’s fastest-growing cities. Now, it’s poised to become the model for the future of innovative urban transportation, with self-driving shuttles carrying travelers along the Scioto Mile, which recently completed a massive revitalization, adding 33 acres of riverfront green space for festivals, water sports and outdoor art. (The newly opened National Veterans Memorial and Museum also sits on the Scioto Peninsula.)

Among the newest dining options are Veritas, which specializes in small-plate offerings; Service Bar, run by the young chef Avishar Barua, a veteran of New York’s Mission Chinese and WD-50; and in the North Market neighborhood, veggie-forward Little Eater.

The ultracool Short North Arts District offers access to the city’s notable local businesses like the new fashion store Thread and the original Jeni’s ice cream store. But don’t skip Italian Village and German Village neighborhoods, where innovators and dreamers have opened destination shops like Stump Plants and Vernacular and bars like Cosecha.

Not sure what’s more peak Times: “the ultracool Short North” or “the innovators and dreamers” opening “destination shops” in German and Italian Villages.

Either way, we’re No. 49, baby! We’ll know Columbus has arrived when local media outlets don’t breathlessly cover our city’s inclusion in NYT listicles and leave that fluff to smarmy bloggers like me.

The football team gets most of the headlines while other Buckeye heroes go to work in more clandestine settings. Their work is no less important!

From Carrie Ghose of Columbus Business First:

Ohio State University food scientists might have achieved the holy grail of candy coloring – creating veggie-based blue dyes for M&Ms, Skittles and other sugary treats.

Mars Inc. and Ohio State were issued a patent in November for a method to separate blue pigments similar to the synthetic dye FD&C Blue No. 1 using red cabbage, purple sweet potato as well as some potato and carrot varieties.

…

Blue M&Ms debuted in 1995 after winning a customer vote. And over the years, Mars has committed to replacing synthetic dyes with natural sources.

Michigan is falling behind Ohio State on the football field and in the hunt for natural dyes for candy. Sad times for a once-proud liberal arts school that used to dabble in football, too.

THOSE WMDs. A little-known Democratic firm cashed-in on a wave of midterm money… FlexiSpy gets rich selling stalkerware… Activist investor wants Dollar Tree to raise prices… Scammers tricking people into buying puppies that don’t exist… Elwood, Illinois (pop: 2,200) becomes a hub of America’s consumer economy… 500 feet below ground with Ohio miners… How the FBI hacked El Chapo’s encrypted phone.