January 11th, 2019
Tate Martell exits stage left, Ohio slow rolls sports gambling, the world's richest man is just as horny as you, and more.
When Mexican Marines finally apprehended Juan “El Chapo” Guzman, the Mexican drug lord left a trail of dead bodyguards along his attempted escape route.
Such is how it went yesterday for members of the self-anointed “Martell Cartel” when the quarterback appeared in the NCAA transfer portal. Martell’s internet sicarios are dead in the street while Martell skates off to Coral Gables, Florida.
Can’t hate on Martell’s decision despite going from “don’t swing and miss” to hitting the eject button as soon as Justin Fields walked into the WHAC and asked to speak to the bull goose looney.
I worried about Urban Meyer lurking around the WHAC, ready to take the reins back the moment Ryan Day suffered his first loss. In under two weeks, however, Day reversed the can’t-miss recruitment of five-star defensive end Zach Harrison, replaced Turtle and Johnny Drama with Michigan’s two best recruiters of Ohio and turned Tate Martell into Justin Fields.
I give Urban one year of sitting behind a desk watching the Buckeyes bloom before he gets back into coaching. He couldn’t even go two weeks without appearing at basketball games and sitting next to Fields.
And between the Browns and the Buckeyes, I also give myself one year to live. My soft pink body is not yet ready for the Buckeyes to win a national title on Monday before the Browns dump the Patriots in the AFC Conference Semifinals on a Saturday.
Pennsylvania and West Virginia have already legalized sports betting. We do things at slower rate in Ohio, where we prefer to allow politicians’ cronies time to dissect and/or monopolize a new industry rather than turn things over to the free market we profess to love so much.
2019 is—maybe!—the year Ohioans will no longer have to bet on sports through their company’s I.T. guy.
From Dennis Biviano of spectrumnews1.com:
Here in Ohio, democratic state senator Sean O'Brien has been hard at work for months, researching, and getting co-sponsors for a bill that would legalize sports betting across the state.
He says there's a definite buzz among constituents and bipartisan support among the Ohio House and Senate.
“People are excited about it and you know, this type of legislation, we're gonna take it out of the black market and I think that's a major impenitence for doing it. By legitimizing it and making it under state control, we can make sure those types of activities don't happen in Ohio,” says O’Brien.
Can’t wait for Ohio lawmakers to legalize sports gambling in time to make two billion dollars betting on the Browns and Buckeyes. I’m targeting Steelers-owned bars and leaving with ownership’s retirement nest egg.
Country singers love crying about their wife fucking the mailman, as if she didn’t hit the upgrade button. I could only imagine Kid Rock’s tears if he found the richest man in the world sexting their wife.
The National ENQUIRER can reveal the Amazon founder — worth an eye-watering $144 billion — waxed lyrical to his mistress, Lauren Sanchez, the wife of powerful Hollywood talent agent Patrick Whitesell, in April 2018.
In one message obtained by The Enquirer, on newsstands today, Bezos wrote: “I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.”
In another pillow talk exchange, on May 13, the horn-dog billionaire wrote: “I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you.”
It’s cool how you can make 100 billion dollars in life and still get described as “the horn-dog billionaire” in the press.
Apparently it’s deserved.
“I love you, alive girl” — what the hell is that?
I can only imagine what that woman’s husband is going through right now. It’s one thing to find your wife fornicating with the mailman—he’s a man for all seasons, after all.
Finding your wife fornicating with a bald billionaire who sexts “I love you, alive girl” and “I want to kiss your lips” would require an a decade in therapy.
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