January 15, 2019
Kitchens dream walk continues, Stormy Daniel sues Columbus vice cops, and Mike DeWine makes history.
The Almighty Cleveland Browns introduced new head coach Freddie Kitchens yesterday. While I always knew the NFL’s reckoning would one day come, it’s surreal to be living in the moment.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s all too good to be true.
Maybe Baker Mayfield gets into cocaine. Maybe John Dorsey falls down a well while vacationing in rural Mexico. Maybe Jimmy Haslam escapes from his subterranean lair of villainy to retake the reins of the team.
Maybe this is all too good to be true.
Yesterday, however, felt different. While Kitchens wasn’t the first new-hire to own an introductory press conference — damn you, Hue Jackson! — he was the first in my memory to openly state nothing short of the Lombardi Trophy would satisfy him.
He has a supreme confidence in himself (“All I know is, wherever I’ve been, my guys performed whether they were first-rounders or free agents”) without crossing into arrogance.
It took eight games and one presser as a head coach, and I’m ready to lay my life down to protect Kitchens. I can only imagine how his players feel. They don’t sell juice like that in stores.
Coaching under a con artist like Hue was actually a good thing for Kitchens. He got a front-row seat in what not to do as a head coach. The repeatedly talked about trusting his subordinates to do their job and not weaponizing the letter “I” when faced with critiques were clear shots at his former boss.
Those PR flaks should be unemployed right now, but they won’t be because they’re Haslam’s stooges who recognized if Kitchens went up on that stage wearing a Browns hoodie, he would’ve come off it as owner of the franchise.
[Quick side: Who decided a suit was highest form of men’s fashion? I don’t remember holding that vote. Seems to me like we need to hold another referendum, and Kitchens needs to be the candidate to make our case to the country.]
The Browns are in lockstep from ownership to head coach for the first time since 1999, and that should terrify fans of every other team in the league.
They’ll continue to laugh, as they’ve always done. They’ll continue to mark the Browns as a “W” when the NFL releases the schedule in April. They’re going to smirk right until Baker Mayfield hits Breshad Perriman up the seam for a 66-yard bomb on the first play of the game.
Then, and only then, will they feel the first inklings of the dread they will feel for the next 15 years.
Somebody please hit me in the head with a frying pan and put me into a coma for the next eight months. Just be sure to have a list of Browns draft picks and roster transactions waiting for me when I wake up in the Muni Lot on Week 1.
Columbus police made headlines back in July when they arrested Stormy Daniels, the porn performer who once compared our president’s pink penis to a beloved Nintendo character, as she performed at a strip club in Westerville.
Ohio Republicans passed a “no-touching in strip clubs” law back in 2007 to appease their Evangelical voters. Strip clubs promptly ignored it (or so I’ve been told). Anyway, it’s a law that was never enforced in the state until one of the president’s most vocal critics came to Columbus.
Thankfully for justice, Columbus vice officer Shana Keckley talked about a criminal conspiracy on her taxpayer-funded email.
From Derek Myers of fayettevilleadvocate.com:
In an email dated Tuesday, July 10 — two days before Daniels arrived in Columbus — Keckley emails herself a video of Daniels in West Hollywood. Not long after, the VICE detective emails herself a link to an NBC 4 Columbus story promoting Daniels’ planned appearance.
And right after that, a bombshell.
Keckley sends a series of messages from her personal email account to her work account. Inside are pictures of Daniels with President Trump, pictures of Daniels in lingerie, and a map to the club where she would be performing.
After Daniels’ arrest that Wednesday night, the emails continue into the early morning hours of Thursday, but the contents are disturbing.
“I got the elements….we arrested Stormy this morning, she is in jail.” “Elements” are the burden police officers must meet in order to make an arrest.
Columbus city prosecutor Zach Klein dismissed all charges against Daniels and the two other performers arrested with her.
Shortly thereafter, Columbus vice officer Andrew Mitchell shot a 23-year-old, 110-pound sex worker named Donna Castleberry eight times in the chest after he said she slashed his hand with a knife while trying to bring her in on a failure-to-appear warrant.
This triggered an FBI investigation into the unit, which Columbus police only recently reinstated. It has resulted in the termination of four former police officers.
And their problems got worse Monday when Daniels filed a civil suit against them.
From Bethany Bruner of dispatch.com:
According to the lawsuit, Clifford is accusing vice officers Shana Keckley, Whitney Lancaster, Mary Praither and Steven Rosser of violating her civil rights by arresting her on July 11.
Clifford had performed at Sirens, a strip club on Cleveland Avenue, on July 11, 2018. Shortly after her performance, Clifford was arrested and accused of violating a portion of Ohio law related to the improper touching of gentlemen’s club patrons by performers. Two other women, Miranda Panda and Brittany Walters, were also arrested.
…
In her lawsuit, Clifford accuses the vice officers of targeting her for political reasons and the division with helping to coverup the motivations for the arrest.
Cops can always rely on the “my job is stressful!” defense like they didn’t volunteer for it or make $150K a year in overtime.
Yet this seems like an easy civil case thanks to my favorite genre of criminal, the one who sends emails before and after commissioning a crime.
Mike DeWine became governor of Ohio at 12:00 Monday morning. He hasn’t yet eliminated the minimum wage as of Monday evening, so his tenure is going better than I expected.
DeWine, the 70th governor of Ohio, became the first in history to swear the oath on a stack of Bibles taller than himself.
Details on DeWine’s books from Jackie Borchardt of cincinnati.com:
His late daughter, Becky DeWine’s, childhood Bible
His great-grandmother Gertrude Budd’s Bible
His grandmother Ruth Perkins Liddle’s New Testament, given to her by her father, a minister, on her 18th birthday, 100 years ago
His grandfather Albert Liddle’s New Testament, issued to him by the United States Navy while he has was serving during World War I
His Aunt Mickey’s (Elizabeth Ann DeWine Harwood’s) Bible, given to her by her grandmother
A New Testament that the Governor and First Lady acquired many years go in Jerusalem
A Study Bible given to the Governor by Lloyd Ogilvie, chaplain of the United States Senate
His mother, Jean DeWine’s, Bible
A Bible that Fran gave to Mike on their 10th wedding anniversary
I’ll probably regret this take when I inch closer to death, but I don’t want to go to Heaven if guys DeWine are there. This guy was born rich and made a career in politics convincing people government was the problem while he ran errands for corporations and made life harder for poor and working people.
Anyway, we’ll revisit this take in 2022 when Ohio continues to bleed 18-34 year-olds. At least we’ll have Columbus.
Clemson footballers completed a perfect season last week. This week, our president presented them with his favorite American fare: a $3 Filet O’Fish sandwich and Wendy’s wraps. Somehow, the video is even more bizarre than the picture.
Hopefully Dabo Swinney gets a good glimpse at the idiot he helped elect to the highest office in our country while they dine on a meal of processed meat and industrial chemicals.
Just two sanctimonious assholes who got rich off the unpaid labor of others. There won’t be a better encapsulation of the plague gripping America.
THOSE WMDs. The final three Japanese holdouts of World War II… Video: 1930s Cleveland… How I learned to love exercise… The egg thief… Democrats need to revive heartland cities.