January 30, 2019: Go To Hell, Polar Vortex
Ohio State caves to nerd petition, Freddie Kitchens encourages Baker Mayfield to game, Mike DeWine gifts a cookbook, and more.
You know the old medical saying: A Guy Fieri video a day keeps the doctor away.
It’s a rare thing to watch a commoner become a billionaire by bagging a signed lean cuisine in a parking lot. I’ll be thinking about this video all day because my brain is a sad, broken place.
Few things more irritating in life than somebody asking you to sign their change.org petition. Local news, which now exists as a multimillion-dollar aggregator of Reddit, diligently reported over 25,000 Ohio State students signed an online petition asking the university to cancel class today.
Did the gods hear them? It’s hard to say. School is canceled for 24 hours, regardless.
From Edward “da Gawd” Sutelan of thelantern.com:
For just the 14th day since 1978, the Ohio State main campus will cancel classes, the university announced on Twitter on Tuesday.
The campus will be closed at 11 p.m. on Tuesday, and will re-open at 7 a.m. Thursday, the tweet said. It said all classes and activities will be canceled.
…
The last time Ohio State closed its main campus was Jan. 6 and 7 in 2014, when there were wind chills of minus 35.
Andy Hatzos, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service in Wilmington, Ohio, said the high on Wednesday will be 1 degree that will be reached at 5 p.m. with a low of minus 4 that will be reached at 9 a.m. Between 4 and 5 p.m., the wind chill will be at minus 15 while the low will be between 9 and 10 a.m., with wind chill being at minus 29. The wind chill has not been this low since the last time Ohio State closed its main campus, Hatzos said.
It’s hilarious there were kids willing to risk death by frostbite to attend a Biology 100 lecture taught by a 28-year-old hungover libertarian T.A. that exclusively dates teenagers. I may have never cleared that Biology 100 hurdle — 8 a.m. labs sound easier in theory than practice — but at least I never bent the knee and signed a petition asking for permission to cut class.
Maybe one day employers will recognize that kind of valor.
Baker Mayfield is apparently a gamer, which means I must alter my take of “all gamers older than 18 belong in federal prison” to “all gamers older than 18, other than Baker Mayfield, belong in prison.”
Freddie Kitchens, the sexiest and coolest and most beer-drinking son-of-a-bitch in the NFL, says Mayfield is following orders to disconnect from football entirely for the next couple months.
From Andrew Gribble of clevelandbrowns.com:
In his final meeting with Mayfield at the close of the 2018 season, Kitchens, who had yet to be named head coach at the time, told the Rookie of the Year candidate to take a load off. It’s been a whirlwind year for Mayfield, and it dates back well before the Browns selected him with the No. 1 pick.
“He better not be thinking about anything right now because I told him to get away from football and just relax,” Kitchens said last week at the Senior Bowl. “It has been a long year for him. It probably started after Georgia beat him in Pasadena. Nick (Chubb) tells him about that all of the time.
“It is crucial that those guys decompress.”
Tom Brady better enjoy his last bask in the sun. It’s all downhill as soon as Mayfield disconnects from The Matrix.
I also love stories like these because there are always a handful of dudes with terminal Football Guy brain disease who viscerally react to players doing anything but watching film in the offseason.
The prime minister of Serbia visited Columbus on one of those overseas “fact-finding and networking” missions politicians love to take at the expense of taxpayers.
Mike DeWine, the most powerful Boomer in Ohio, gifted the foreign dignitary a copy of his wife’s cookbook. You almost have to hand it to DeWine. The only more bizarre gift would have been a box of expired lamb-skin condoms with a hand-written note about abstinence being the only 100% effective method of birth control.
Where will this book end up? My guess is the trashcan in Prime Minister Brnabić's hotel room. Cookbooks are about as useful as phonebooks in the smartphone era.
Don’t sleep on Jon Husted, either. The man who looks like he wants to die is no doubt reminding himself the chicanery will be worth it when he runs for governor in 2022.
Whoever decided to change Ohio’s motto from “Imperium in Imperio” should be named and shamed in every history book in every public school in this state. Any living relatives should be forced into exile.
“An empire within an empire” is brilliant. If any t-shirt cartels use this idea, they owe me $10,000 up front and 10% of every sale thereafter. My lawyer, who is also a cat, says this is a binding contract.
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