Larry Householder Enlists with Infamous Ukrainian Neo-Nazi Battalion to Defend Freedom
Larry Householder Enlists with Infamous Ukrainian Neo-Nazi Battalion to Defend Freedom
"He's going to kill himself the moment he realizes there are no Long John Silvers in Ukraine," said one former colleague.
COLUMBUS, OHIO — Larry Householder, the disgraced former Speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives currently facing life in prison on federal racketing charges, shocked a U.S. District courtroom yesterday when he cited an obscure sovereign citizen doctrine when he chose trial by combat over a jury of his peers.
“‘It’s better to die on your feet than live on your knees,’” Householder said with his trademark country twang. “Only God can judge me. Tupac taught me that.”
Opprobrium erupted in the courtroom, and Judge Timothy Black needed several bangs of his gavel and numerous threats of contempt charges to restore order to the proceedings. After a quick recess to discuss the Constitutional merits with opposing counsels in his chambers, Judge Black granted the defendant’s motion.
“Your Honor, The People think it would be a grave mistake to allow an elderly bumpkin to fight as a foreigner in a war halfway across the world as a way to infer divine judgment on his guilt or innocence,” said Southern District attorney general Kenneth L. Parker.
Judge Black waived away the idea with a finger. “Counsel would be wise to remember the powers afforded to me. There’s a reason paupers such as yourself have called me ‘Your Honor’ for the last 30 years despite my working in a bathrobe.
“Besides, everybody has seen Suicide Squad. Less importantly, the Supreme Court is also quite clear on the government’s right to implant a bomb in this man’s brain that will detonate the second he attempts to flee the front lines.”
Twitter University of Law adjunct professor @PussyMonster420 said that while the right to trial by combat is considered arcane by Constitutional scholars, Congress never got around to officially wiping the antiquated barbarism from its books.
“Judge Black denied Householder’s motion to dismiss the case last week,” Professor PussyMonster420 said. “Two of Householder’s top henchmen already pled guilty—as did Generation Now, the dark money group at the heart of the $1 billion bribery scheme.
“And remember, the FBI tapped his phone the day after he returned to power in Columbus as the Speaker of the House. The feds ain’t exactly fishing for evidence.
“When you add all those circumstances into a projection on a trial by a jury of strangers, you start to understand why a 62-year-old man might feel that joining a Neo-Nazi battalion in a war against Putin’s shock troops offers the best chance to clear his name within Republican circles.”
Householder’s chief defense attorney, Mark Marein, thanked Judge Black for granting the historic motion. “Your Honor,” Marein said, “As you can see, my client is simply built different, and that’s 💯. Mr. Householder intends not only to fight for his freedom, but that of the Ukrainians and all oppressed people around the world.”
Marein said Householder’s decades of work within the Ohio Republican Party earned him a network of contacts within the global right-wing militia movement due to their overlapping worldviews.
“The famed Azov Battalion actually reached out to Mr. Householder about joining their ranks. They were impressed by my client’s machismo and marksmanship displayed in his 2018 campaign ad where he fatally shot a tube television that had trespassed onto his cornfield.
“The American government has an illustrious history with zero unintended consequences of enlisting right-wing death squads as proxies to fight dirty wars against the enemies of liberty. Our relationship with this brave battalion goes back to the days of [former president Barack] Obama.
“Any accusations of Neo-Nazism on behalf of my client’s newest employer would simply speak to his long history of working in a bipartisan fashion to deliver results for his constituents—an attitude he will take to the battlefront.
“Lest we forget, Mr. Householder couldn’t have returned to the Lincoln Chair without support of his Democratic colleagues in the House of Representatives.”
Judge Black ordered the state to return Householder’s weaponry that he forfeited as part of his bail as he awaits RICO charges. The judge granted Householder two weeks to settle his personal affairs before deploying to prevent World War III.
Meanwhile, a mile away in the Statehouse, in a move that will surely rock Russian premiere Vladimir Putin to his core, Householder’s former colleagues in the Ohio House unanimously voted to condemn the Russian invasion, despite most of those jokers fanatically supporting Donald Trump, the last GOP presidential candidate who got caught on tape trying to extort Ukraine by withholding foreign aid needed for preparation of the aforementioned Russian invasion in exchange for producing fictitious dirt on Joe Biden.
The reaction on the Statehouse floor was emotional and divisive, much like their former boss.
“I’m unsure how a lifetime of corruption will translate to urban warfare in Eastern Europe,” said a former colleague who requested anonymity due to his overall cordial relationship with the disgraced politician. “But if there’s any American who can go into that powder keg and emerge with financing for a new renovation on his vacation house in Florida, it’s Larry Householder.”
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