Margarita Salesman Heads South
Margarita Salesman Heads South
It was only a matter of time before Urban Meyer got back in the game.
I warned Ohio State fans this day would come. Hawking margaritas in Dublin and spending time with his family was never going to scratch itch of a psychotic competitor like Urban Meyer. He is a soulless mercenary who only feels alive when he is winning football games.
Like his “retirement” from Florida, Meyer cited health concerns as his reason for leaving Ohio State. That was true, at least in part. In truth, Meyer bristled at being served a three-game suspension for harboring a serial abuser Zach Smith for years and then lying about his involvement in the aftermath when he thought he got away with it.
In a normal society, Meyer would have been fired on the spot. But this is Ohio State, where billionaire sex pest Les Wexner still has his name splashed across multiple buildings and we value football wins above pretty much anything else. Meyer was allowed to ride into the sunset after surrendering the backdoor cover of the century to the Washington Huskies in the 2019 Rose Bowl.
Meyer has spent the past two years slanging margaritas at his Pint House in Dublin and shooting commercials while married to maybe the only registered nurse in America that thinks coronavirus is a Chinese hoax.
It was laughable to anybody who followed Meyer’s career that he would be content with millions of dollars in the bank and a nice suburban life as a local celebrity in Columbus.
My arch-nemesis and former college roommate, Kyle Rowland of The Toledo Blade, reported on Dec. 28th that Urban Meyer was “eyeing” the Jacksonville Jaguars job. It didn’t come to fruition until yesterday, when Meyer arrived in Florida and deboaded a plane while not wearing a mask and getting into a car with masked strangers while he was still not wearing a mask. This is who Urban is when the cameras aren’t rolling.
The Jaguars’ opening is an attractive job for a team that finished with the worst record in the league. They have four picks in the first two rounds, including the No. 1 pick overall. They have a solid offensive line, a good rookie receiver and ample cap space.
At first, I figured Meyer would be a disaster in the NFL. (Not that he would care; his college football legacy is secure and he could always go back to broadcasting with a few more million dollars in his bank account.) I have moderated that take a little bit in the last couple days.
Meyer has always been great with that initial impact. Bowling Green, Utah, Florida and Ohio State were all bottom-feeding in their conference or in turmoil when Meyer arrived. He is great at whipping players into shape and getting them to play hard for them. I wouldn’t bet on it, but it wouldn’t shock me to see Meyer contend for a playoff spot in his first couple years. It’s not like the Colts, Titans or Texans are perennial powers.
The problem with Meyer has always been what comes after that initial impact. He usually nails his first wave of hires — though that remains to be seen in the NFL — the problems happen when his tyrannical, micro-manger ways burn out his underlings and force them into greener pastures. (There is a reason his oldest disciples, strength coach Mickey Marotti and Director of Player Personnel Mark Pantoni, won’t be joining him in Jacksonville.)
When that happens, Meyer tends to surround himself with yes-men. This is what played out in his final couple seasons at Ohio State, when he had the best man from his wedding coaching linebackers and Greg Schiano running the same man-press defensive scheme like the Buckeyes still had three All-American defensive backs.
Meyer has never handled losing well, and there’s a distinct possibility he could lose more games next season than he did in his entire tenure at Ohio State. The upshot for him is that he can lose more than two games in a season and still contend for a title.
The down shot is only championships satisfy that man, and it’s harder to win a Super Bowl than it is a collegiate title.
There is also the issue of recruiting. Once Urban assembled his rosters at Florida and Ohio State, he had a talent advantage in 90% of his games. That won’t be true no matter how well the Jaguars draft during his tenure. In college, he did the hunting. In the NFL, he will be the hunted as pro coaches look to humble the old college coach with a couple of rings from Jostens that hold no power in their league.
Meyer also enjoyed the life of a tinpot dictator as a college coach. If a player wanted to kneel during our nation’s fight song, he could force their compliance by threatening to pull their scholarship. He was the judge, jury and executioner of the entire program.
I don’t see his management style working in a locker room full of millionaires, with his best players making much more than he does. The dictatorship routine only works in the NFL if the wins follow, as seemingly every former assistant of Bill Belichick has found out the hard way when they strike out on their own.
Unfortunately for me, Meyer will undoubtedly have the last laugh. Sure, maybe he sucks shit in the NFL and I get to point and laugh at him when he collapses on the sidelines as Derrick Henry runs for 275 yards in a game that puts the nail in the Jaguars 3-13 season. The Jaguars will fire Meyer after two or three seasons and then he will realize the 21st century American dream: Being paid millions of dollars by your boss to fuck off and do literally any other job.
The worst case scenario is he kills it in the NFL, wins a Super Bowl, and joins the elite fraternity of Paul Brown, Jimmy Johnson and Pete Carroll as the only coaches to win championships on the collegiate and professional levels.
At least I can take solace in the fact the Meyers are moving out of Ohio. Their entire existence has been a pox on the university. I look forward to having at least a couple years respite of him working Ohio State pregame shows or worse, standing on our sidelines like a forlorn ghost condemned to watch his old program prosper without him for the rest of eternity.
I don’t expect Ohio State fans to turn on him like I did, though no doubt some will. I just hope the masses can at least realize what Meyer actually is: A sociopathic robot who only gives a shit about himself. Any other talk is window dressing to obscure his empty soul.
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