Midlife Crises Are Good Now
Midlife Crises Are Good Now
Parma tries to crash land Biden into the White House, Franklin County cracks down on high speed pursuits and more.
When I say I’m going through a midlife crisis people say how can that be true you’re 32 and look like George Clooney and I’m like yeah that’s all true but what you haven’t considered is I never planned to live past 28 and yet here I am still hardwired into the internet and I’m starting to wonder if this is Hell.
When September rolled around and the Browns came back into my life I opened Pandora’s Box and rapidly descended into the megalomaniac life of a Browns superfan.
Wearing a wig to a football game hopefully won’t be on my tombstone as the greatest accomplishment of my life. But I paid my therapist last week to convince me I’m not Hitler because I enjoy following a mediocre football team like a Grateful Dead roadie. As he said it’s not like I’m drinking and becoming violent or God forbid getting behind a wheel.
A couple of friends who haven’t had the misfortune of knowing me since childhood have reached out in recent weeks like is everything okay lol just checking. One week I’m tweeting about our criminal president and wealth inequality and now it’s nothing but Browns barking and gambling chatter.
Meanwhile old school friends are laughing like yeah this is just how it goes sometimes our mutual friend adopts a bit and suddenly it’s his entire personality for six months.
I realize the current trajectory of my life is untenable for more than maybe four more weeks and I had no intention of going to Baltimore until I saw Ohio State (-17.5) vs. something called Nebraska.
I was a shitty older brother as a child and when my younger brother texted me last night saying he wanted to bark in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor vs. the Ravens I said I won $150 on roulette after the Rams beat the Browns which makes me the richest man in the world so long story short I’m going to Baltimore with my brother this weekend.
Cartoon characters have told me instead of going to Baltimore I should be wise and entrust those funds to the cocaine addicts managing the Ponzi Scheme we’ve all agreed to call the stock market.
I don’t care. When those last few seconds before my online brain rot rips through my cerebral cortex I highly doubt my last thought will be oh god please forgive me my biggest regret was in September 2019 when I channeled my divorced dad energy into exactly three shots of tequila while traveling to three states to watch football games with friends old and new.
Anyway this was all just a meandering jaunt through the trenches of my mind to pitch you about the latest Sadcast where I’m pleased to report that my likes and you knows are at an all-time low but I need to learn to stop saying “yeah”every time Ramzy my intelligent and well-spoken father says something witty and/or insightful.
Also please consider giving me money because I’m spending $8,000 a month on candles and I’m going to be bankrupt soon.
MILLENNIAL FROM PARMA LOOKS TO PUT BIDEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE
When I think about adults brawling in a Chuck E. Cheese on a Thursday afternoon I think of Parma the suburb of Cleveland that used to be a reliably Democratic voting block until they got persuaded into voting for President Business Deals on account of Bill Clinton signing NAFTA and racism.
But from this Obama-Trump district rises a Millennial managing the gaffe machine who had his teeth fall out of his mouth and used the phrase “record player” in the last debate.
From Sabrina Eaton of cleveland.com:
But first, the Cleveland-area native who helped engineer Barack Obama’s back-to-back presidential victories in Ohio must make sure his latest boss, former Vice President Joe Biden, clinches the Democratic presidential nomination. He’s sure Biden has the best chance of all the Democratic presidential wannabes to defeat Donald Trump in Ohio and across the nation next November. That’s why he signed on as Biden’s national campaign manager.
“One of the things that I’ve always appreciated about Biden, having traveled with him to literally every corner of Ohio, from the inner city to Appalachia, is that he is one of the few politicians that I’ve been with who you can literally take anywhere and he is at ease and has a comfortability,” says Schultz. “Not only does he help turn out Democratic votes, he also won’t lose you independent votes in non-urban areas.”
Schultz, 39, got his first taste of retail politics as a child, knocking on doors with his mother to urge support for Parma’s school levies. Schultz’s mother taught special ed at Parma’s Ridge-Brook Elementary School, where the family passed out campaign literature at the polls on election day. His father was also a special ed teacher.
Always love to see a young idealist grow into a generational traitor who will attempt to convince a majority of American voters that a better world is not possible.
FRANKLIN COUNTY MAKES IT EASIER TO RUN FROM THE COPS
One thing the lawlessness of the President Business Deals Administration has taught me is lying to Congress isn’t as big of a deal as I was led to believe. But now I’m also blindsided to learn running from the cops in Franklin County just got easier.
From Nick Evans of wosu.org:
The Franklin County Sheriff has changed how the department handles vehicle pursuits in an effort to increase safety.
All sheriff pursuits, regardless of the officer’s rank, now have to respond to a remote, supervising deputy. Before, high-ranking officers like lieutenants could supervise themselves.
The move comes after a number of chases ended in collisions with other vehicles or pedestrians.
Chief Deputy Jim Gilbert, who heads up the patrol bureau, says the key change is that the pursuing officer will continuously update that deputy.
Good to know when I text and drive on cruise control it’s punishable by 100 years in the clink but when cops continuously update their deputy while traveling at speeds exceeding 100 mph it’s just following protocol.
COLUMBUS MAN INVOLVED IN MASS OVERDOSE
It’s never a good idea to trust police whenever they’re talking about any other drug than caffeine but this is a pretty wild story to come out of Pittsburgh.
From The Associated Press via fox8.com:
PITTSBURGH — Authorities have released the names of three men who died in an apparent mass drug overdose at a Pittsburgh apartment complex that left four other men hospitalized.
Police say the men initially went to a venue together, then headed to the apartment Sunday where they used narcotics at the same time and in the same place. Authorities haven’t specified which drug or combination of drugs they took. They also haven’t said where the men went together before returning to use the drugs, although authorities say all the victims were wearing orange paper wrist bands.
The Pittsburgh Department of Public Safety said the overdose deaths were not a case of a tainted drug being distributed in a large volume where it could have affected even more people. It appeared to have been isolated to a single location, but police said they are concerned about a tainted, potentially deadly batch of drugs in the community.
Three men — 32-year-old Rubiel Clemente-Martinez, of Columbus, Ohio; 38-year-old Josue Soberal Serrano, of Carthage, Mo., and 32-year-old Joel Pecina, 32, of Coraopolis — were pronounced dead at the scene.
I’ve never done a single drug in my life so I don’t know much about them yet from what my friends tell me an entire group of friends overdosed and it was either intentional or much much more likely they got sold a hot batch.
Either way there’s zero chance the group’s drug dealer realizes he should be on the other side of the world by now.
CREW TO UPDATE COLUMBUS ON NEW DESIGNS
The Columbus Crew has been trying to hustle me into 2020 season tickets. If Ohio State covers this weekend I might consider making a small investment but first I need to see their new stadium plans.
From Adora Namigadde of wosu.org:
Columbus Crew executives will present a detailed plan of the new downtown stadium project and renderings to the Downtown Area Commission on Tuesday morning.
Columbus City Council recently approved the creation of a Community Authority to aid in paying off bonds issued for the Crew stadium project. They also appointed five people to the Confluence Development Authority, which will oversee the project.
In the past, Crew owners have said the $230 million project will include a 430,000-foot stadium with 20,000 seats, 30 suits and 1,900 club seats. It will sit within Confluence Village, just west of Huntington Park, which will also include a mixed-use residential and business park.
I am a supporter of the Crew but they’re going to lie their ass off tomorrow to secure as much public money as possible. I would love to be proved wrong unfortunately I won’t be.
THOSE WMDs. Democracy dies when labor unions do… When a young George Washington started a war… Choosing sleep or exercise… The truth about eating eggs… Is it Autumn or Fall?