The Rooster's 2023 Sloopys Ballot
Here's how your favorite deranged blogger is voting in Ohio's most prestigious political award show.
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Buendia! That’s Spanish for “Good morning,” one of the many sayings I’ve picked up here in Havana, Cuba.
Many Americans don’t know you can travel to the communist Caribbean country. But you can. I wrote about the simple process in 2022. The only catch is that Americans can’t use their debit or credit cards thanks to our country’s genocidal embargo.
It turns out, though, that money is much easier to manage when you’re not blind drunk like I was during my first excursion in 2022. Thankfully I earned some friends down here, so if you ever make the jump, consider staying at El Cuatro de Tula. Tell them Don Ohio sent you.
I considered taking today off, but then I remembered the many comparisons to Ernest Hemingway that I’ve earned in my career. Before you scoff, remember that we’re both bearded crackers who enjoy Cuba and dabble in writing.
Today’s dispatch is about my ballot for the annual cleveland.com Sloopy Awards. I didn’t vote in all the categories—apologies to the staffers and the lobbyists—but spending time at 1 Capitol Square this year gave me insight that I lacked in the past.
And no, I’m not above voting for myself.
You can cast your official ballot over here.
If you enjoy my work, please consider financially supporting independent political media by joining The Patriots Caucus for the whole experience.
Most Arrogant Lawmaker: Domestic Terrorist Matt Huffman (R-Lima)
Senator Matt Huffman bragged to The Columbus Dispatch in May 2022 that the gerrymandered Republican legislative supermajorities can “kinda do what we want.”
Famous last words for the wanna-be Caesar!
When Ohioans made the mistake of enacting legislative term limits, that thinking was aimed at guys like Huffman. He’ll be 64 when he’s termed out of the Senate after next year.
He already served seven years in the House of Representatives. He should fuck off and retire. But no! He fully intends to come back to the House and wage a war for the speaker’s gavel with State Rep. Jason Stephens (R-Kitts Hill).
When Ohio’s hog voters ran wild on Huffman in the August Special Election and then enshrined abortion in the constitution and legalized recreational marijuana, Huffman’s reflexive instincts were to put abortion on the ballot in 2024 and gut Issue 2.
That’s before remembering how he wiped his ass with Ohio’s redistricting process after 70 percent of Ohioans voted to ostensibly end gerrymandering in the state.
I pray every day that Huffman returns to the House, loses to Stephens, and then has to spend the rest of his term as a back-bencher and suffer having to deal with me every week so I can give him a taste of the hell he’s visited upon Ohio’s most marginalized communities. He’ll quit like a dog instead of serving his sentence. I can almost guarantee it.
Most Power-Hungry Lawmaker: State Rep. Derek Merrin (R-Monclova)
Merrin suffered the humiliation of a lifetime on January 3rd when he fell through the floor during the Speaker’s vote in front of supporters from across the state who came to witness his coronation.
Merrin only wanted to keep the seat warm for Senator Huffman’s inevitable return to the chamber. He sought the Speakership because it gave him a seat at the table in the redistricting process. He wanted to draw a favorable Congressional seat for his future run.
That plan exploded like an Elon Musk rocket. Merrin could have accepted his fate and reflected on why of all people it happened to him. Maybe he could have accomplished some legislative goals under Speaker Stephens. But no! He made the fateful mistake of declaring himself leader of the Republican Caucus and then spent the entire year proving he had zero juice in the chamber on anything that mattered.
Merrin wears his ambition on his sleeve. And worse, he thinks he’s entitled to any office that he seeks because he is preening in his arrogance. His downfall couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy!
Least Savvy Lawmaker: Rep. Bill Dean (R-Xenia)
There was more than one House Republican who didn’t want to end the spousal exceptions to Ohio’s rape laws for whatever reasons. Three who were present abstained from the vote. But only State Rep. Bill Dean (R-Xenia) voted against ending spousal rape exceptions and then doubled down on that barbaric thinking to a deranged communist blogger as well as the local paper of record.
He earned well-deserved national infamy for that stupidity.
Curiously, Rep. Dean was absent from last week’s session. Hopefully, Mrs. Dean has him chained in their basement and is pegging him around the clock to give that dinosaur a taste of his own medicine.
Nicest Lawmaker: Rep. Sara Carruthers (R-Hamilton)
Rep. Carruthers has been one of the biggest surprises in spending time in the Statehouse. She was an early supporter of my antics despite our political differences even back when I routinely reeked of Ohio medical weed. She might have even denied a dinner invite from yours truly once upon a time! But I’d be lying if I said that the respect and kindness she showed to me in those early days didn’t mean a lot to me.
I know some leftists would accuse me of laundering a Republican’s reputation. But if they knew the score, they’d know there are a handful of adults in the House Majority Caucus, and Carruthers is one of them. She isn’t doing this job for the money or the fame. She’s doing it for the crazy thought of helping people less fortunate than her.
We disagree on the best ways to go about that. But she’s a professional in the way she carries herself. And if you disagree with that, you should consider what that freak Candice Keller has to say about her!
We’d be in a much better position if she were the average Republican in Ohio. In reality, however, she’ll have multiple fringe primary opponents who consider her a Communist. I wish!
Biggest Windbag: State Rep. Brian Stewart (R-Ashville)
If Stewart only talked about movies, sports, and food… we’d probably get along famously!
Unfortunately when it comes to politics, this guy talks like he’s Abraham Lincoln. That might be true if Lincoln were 5’4”, bald, and unable to grow a beard.
I asked Stewart last week if the rumors were true that he’s running for auditor. He didn’t deny it! You have to admire the arrogance considering the bipartisan belief that he’s a dickhead.
Biggest Self-Promoter: State Rep. Gary Click (R-Vickery)
Click finished second-place on my ballot for most arrogant, most power-hungry, and biggest windbag.
Does that sound like Jesus Christ to you? It does to Click, who is nothing more than a dusty, self-dealing politician that’s creepy with women and uses his platform to attack transgender teenagers—maybe the most marginalized community in the state.
If pastors like Gary Click are in charge of Heaven, I’ll roll my dice in Hell.
Funniest Politician: Rep. Bill Seitz (R-Cincinnati)
I’m not sure what I would have said last December if you had told me that the House Majority Floor Leader and I would have a repertoire. I probably would have said something about how Seitz belongs in prison for his defense of the HB-6 scandal.
And you know what? Seitz took the stand in Larry Householder’s trial and has yet to be accused of any wrongdoing. Maybe the rumors are true that he’s made out of teflon. I can respect that.
But I have a simple rule when it comes to all politicians. They should at least have the decency to be interesting. Bonus points if they’re funny.
Seitz, for all his problematic politics, passes both tests with flying colors.
I regret that I never just walked up to the Statehouse during the Larry Householder years. But it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t, because Seitz and I would have burned down an area bar trying to outdrink one another. I can tell you that much!
Honorable mentions: State Reps. Sara Carruthers (R-Hamilton), Jon Cross (R-Findlay), Ron Ferguson (Wintersville)
Biggest Troll: State Rep. Ron Ferguson (R-Wintersville)
Ferguson is another Republican who surprised me despite his odious Twitter presence. He’s got some juice, and he’s not as conservative as he plays on social media, don’t let him fool you!
However, I have enjoyed his one-man war against Speaker Stephens on the House floor. While Merrin works in underhanded ways in the shadows, Ferguson at least has the gumption to raise Hell on the floor despite the Speaker never calling his number. The man knows how to hate, and I can respect that.
I’ve told him that I want him to run for Congress in place of the retiring Bill Johnson, who Youngstown State hired as its next president for some reason only known to a cabal of trustees and God. I mean that, too. The seat is going to a Republican so it might as well go to a Republican who is entertaining and good for The Business Line.
Most Bipartisan Lawmaker: State Rep. Jessica Miranda (D-Cincinnati)
You might have noticed that this ballot is Republican-heavy. Such is the nature of the Ohio Statehouse.
Democrats are in a tough position in that they can’t raise any sort of Hell if they want to move any legislation through the Republican-dominated chamber. Helping constituents means more than waging an unwindable war to those looking to enact legislation.
One Democrat who has impressed me with her ability to do that is Miranda, which is ironic considering her role as Minority Whip.
Miranda, however, worked with Rep. Seitz to "eliminate the limitations period for a civil action based on a claim of childhood sexual abuse only for purposes of filing claims against a bankruptcy estate of an organization chartered under federal law,” according to the governor’s office.
Miranda also worked with Rep. Brett Hillyer (R-Uhrichsville) to pass the end to spousal rape exceptions through the House.
No small feats for a Democrat living under a Republican junta!
Best Use of Social Media: The Rooster
Like I said. I ain’t above voting for myself! Being the best at social media in Statehouse circles is a lot like being the tallest 37-year-old in a room full of kindergarteners. But again, I ain’t above humbly accepting any award even if they’re giving it away!
When you add together the Substack, Twitter, and TikTok numbers… there ain’t anybody doing it like The Rooster. The haters and losers, of which there are many, can continue to take their potshots in anonymity. I might consider they have a point when The Business Line stops its ascent to the moon.
Worst Use of Social Media: State Rep. Jennifer Gross (R-West Chester)
Rep. Gross can be seen in the photo above endorsing the end of direct democracy. And what’s crazy is that isn’t even in the Top 10 of the craziest “likes” she has had on Twitter this year.
Gross is a theocratic fascist. She shows it every day on Twitter. Republican legislators and lobbyists know she’s a stone-cold kook! Yet she’s continually treated as a respected member of the chamber in public.
Least Tech Literate Politician: Like 90% of Them
Thank God none of these people are in charge of the nuclear football. We’d be nuked into oblivion while they were still fumbling with the briefcase and yelling at their underpaid and overstressed aide to figure it out.
Biggest Political Surprise: Niraj Antani’s Political Acumen
There is no politician that I’ve been meaner to over the years than State Senator Niraj Antani (R-Sewer).
And yet, Antani has never run like a bug from the camera. He has always stood his ground, answered my questions, and went about his business. That’s no small thing with me.
I was generally amused when I found out the Republican Senate Caucus froze him out of his district in the last redistricting process. One Republican Senator told me that Antani had done nothing for the Caucus, he was an any choice to sacrifice, and that he’d be surprised if the Caucus gave $10 to Antani’s re-election efforts.
But it’s clear to me now that Antani saw the move coming. I thought he was gallivanting around the state and tapping into his Hindu identity on a national level for a statewide run. I was wrong. He’s had his eyes on the Second Congressional District.
While we have yet to see a public finance report, the early gossip is that Antani is killing it among Hindu and Jewish voters. He also has plenty of corporate friends from Capitol Square.
Remember that sports betting tax cut bill he proposed a couple of weeks ago? That was nothing more than a bat signal to the sports betting industry that he would be their ally in Congress.
Antani will undoubtedly be painted as a carpetbagger in his race. But I think his Statehouse colleagues underestimate him at their peril. Antani, for all the rancid politics, is not a dumbass as I would have previously written. He has more charisma than any opponent I have yet to see enter the race, too.
As I said with Rep. Ferguson, the Second Congressional District is going to a Republican. It might as well be one that will be good for The Business Line. If Antani can shock the world (but not The Patriots Caucus), then I’ll undoubtedly need to open a D.C. bureau to keep him on the straight and narrow.
Republican Rising Star: Thomas Hall (Madison Twp.)
Hall will be a future governor of Ohio. I’ll see him in Hell with the rest of the Statehouse Republicans, but he has the juice. Hopefully, he remembers this and gives me a clemency before I’m put in front of a firing squad.
Democratic Rising Star: Rep. Munira Abdullahi (D-Columbus)
I admire the way Rep. Abdullahi stood her ground on Palestine as well as a bust-up from State Rep. Elliot Forhan. The Democratic Party can always use more steel in its spine.
Abdullahi has played her part, been eager to learn, and heeded the advice of mentors. She also is the Columbus-based State Rep. that I see around the Statehouse the most often, which means she’s watching the film!
I hope to see her in House leadership in the next General Assembly and Minority Leader in the one after that.
Best Capitol Square Restaurant: House Taco
My God. The Statehouse has been in shambles since House Taco moved to its brick-and-mortar location at 79 S. Fourth Street.
It’s an eight-minute walk from the Statehouse, but still, there was nothing like standing sentinel in the Statehouse basement while ingesting another five-star meal from House Taco. Some days I’d just go up there to eat lunch!
Still, this is the best taco joint in downtown. And the city just granted them a liquor license, so they have all sorts of drinks on which I would have spent thousands of dollars if I were still an active alcoholic.
The upside to House Taco leaving the Statehouse is you don’t have to suffer the stench of government gremlins to dine there. Give them a try next time you’re in downtown Columbus. You will not be disappointed!
THOSE WMDs. After the hit-and-run… One Swedish zoo, seven escaped chimpanzees… Ammon Bundy has disappeared… When confronted with a mass shooter, Ulvade teachers and students knew what to do… Did Hamas make millions betting against Israeli shares days before October 7th?
For "worst use of social media", I'd put Gary Click posting a lie that the 10-year-old rape victim was driven to Indiana for her abortion by her rapist. Pure evil.
No one like that should be allowed within 100 feet of the statehouse, let alone be seated as a representative.
Shout out to Angela Meleca, formerly of Creative Ohio, for most effective lobbyist. She got tens of millions in funding for the creative sector while the Ohio Arts Council was busy distributing funds to Ginger Warner's political buddies.