The Rooster's April 2026 Mailbag
Answering the readership's burning questions, despite their desire to see me further take my future electability by revealing more details about life in Marion, Ohio.
Welcome to the April Mailbag! Questions from the Patriots Caucus never disappoint, but that’s almost doubly true this month.
Is the Music Man sweating for other reasons than his apparent steroid usage? Why shouldn’t you vote for Congresswoman Joyce Beatty? And will I further damage my electoral chances by revealing another vivid memory from a childhood condemned to Marion, the City of Kings? (Yes.)
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As always with the mailbag, the questions are in bold with responses in standard text.
Some questions have been lightly edited for grammar, syntax and/or clarity.
Let’s get on with the show!
Another Marion Story, please.
I played football in eighth grade for the now-defunct Baker Middle School. We were not very good for reasons beyond our coach being a smallish man overmatched against the responsibilities of overseeing a football team of 14-year-old never-do-wells.
During one practice, he was trying to install a new handoff play. Assuming the running back position, he stressed—multiple times—that this was a mere walkthrough and there would be no hitting.
Our middle linebacker, a rather disturbed fellow named “Schmidty,” who would later become one of Marion’s most renowned copper thieves, didn’t process that message for reasons only known to him.
When our coach advanced up the middle of the offensive line, Schmiddty, in full helmet and pads, leveled him in a disrespectful manner that would have made ESPN’s “Jacked Up!” segment later in the week.
You can probably imagine how we reacted to seeing our tyrant baptized like that by a member of the proletariat.
The coach got to his feet, enraged and with blood flowing down his forehead. He undressed us as a gang of losers who were never going to amount to much in life.
In his rage, he went to kick the football he had fumbled like he was kicking a 60-yard field goal to win the Super Bowl.
He whiffed.
And if he had a gun, he probably would have killed us in that moment. Last I heard, he has since moved to California, where most people don’t remember that fateful fall day in 2000.
What’s going on with your public records lawsuit against Shayla Favor?
Favor sent some gremlin to the Court of Claims to cry about how “The Rooster” didn’t have standing to sue or something like that. I black out whenever I read more than two paragraphs of that 18th-century pervert language that lawyers pay $350K to learn at universities less prestigious than Twitter Law.
I’ve since turned the case over to my associate, the Public Records Raptor, who relishes a legal fight even more than I do.
Unless she changes course, she’ll be sued again in the near future. We remain confident in our case despite the Court of Claims not being renowned for its speed in litigating matters.
One of your recent Instagram Stories was a repost from a tattoo shop. You getting ink or are you supporting a friend?
Oh, that was me. I got “Hilltop” across my lower thigh, as an ode to Hilltop Husband. The Rooster would not exist, at least in its current state, without her not-so-invisible hand in my life.
Is the Music Man actually starting to sweat about getting reelected?
Well, it’s possible Congressman Max Miller (R-Bay Village) could be sweating due to apparent steroid usage, given his Barry Bonds-sized head in recent weeks.
But yes, if any Republican Congressional candidate is going to lose in November, the Music Man would be at the top of that list.
Curiously, Miller’s PAC is wading into the Democratic primary, trying to boost former Cuyahoga County executive Ed FitzGerald by running false-flag negative attack ads against him:
Regardless of opponent, Miller is a uniquely unlikable loser with no natural constituency in the district. The base of their party reviles him, and a sizable amount of voters won’t turn out anyway if Donald Trump isn’t at the top of the ticket.
But don’t weep too hard for Music Man. He hates life in Congress, is currently being called a deadbeat father by his ex-wife, and is said to be leaving office after his next term, even if he wins.
Where is the best park bench in Columbus, and what qualities make it the best?
My favorite bench(es) are the ones next to the Umbrella Girl statue in Schiller Park. It’s always quiet and shaded.
The lack of bike racks or one public drinking fountain has always bothered me about Schiller on a meta level, though.
If you had to live in a Cbus suburb like our beautiful mayor, which would be your last choice and why?
New Albany. The white picket fences and slave plantation vibes have never sat well with me, even before I learned how much that city is forever tied to Leslie Wexner and Jeffrey Epstein.
When I’m governor, all I can say is that my solution will involve the National Guard and a dome.
In the OH-07 Democratic primary, I got a mailing from candidate Brian Poindexter telling billionaires to "shove it." These mailings are paid for by some out-of-state PAC.
Also, he has long supported Jimmy Haslam's crooked deal to move the Browns out of downtown Cleveland. This includes a vote YESTERDAY, per the Plain Dealer. My question is: What the fuck?
Mr. Poindexter’s position can be explained by his being an ironworker.
Don’t forget that David Wondolowski, the obviously corrupt fool who leads the Cleveland Building Trades & Construction Council, betrayed Cleveland mayor Justin Bibb and Cuyahoga County Executive Chris Ronayne by endorsing the move to Brook Park.
The trades will make a nice chunk of change by building the new Cybertruck football stadium in the suburban wasteland of Brook Park.
As for the out-of-state PAC, that’s most likely explained by Poindexter being the Democratic Congressional Committee's preferred candidate. But I have heard rumblings that the DCC is worried he won’t get across the finish line in a seven-way primary.
Does Joyce Beatty have any tangible legislative accomplishments that would justify her re-election? Really want to vote for her opponent here.
As a resident of Columbus, I am gerrymandered into a district that includes Miami County in Western Ohio.
I can’t vote against Beatty. But if I lived in OH-3, I would be voting for her opponent, Joe Gerard.
Beatty isn’t a serious legislator by any metric of the phrase and largely uses the position to fulfill her dream of being a socialite. And now, she’s reached the point where she can’t imagine life without a staff or a title.
