Rooster in Review: A New Frontier
I don't miss Tito's Handmade Vodka nearly as much as I thought I would.
I will watch the Ohio State-Notre Dame game sober tomorrow night as I embark on my quest to watch a football season without alcohol for the first time in 19 years.
I’ve always envisioned sobriety in football season a lot like your friend telling you about their trip to Tokyo. It sounds sweet and exciting and intriguing. But deep down, you know there ain’t no chance in Hell you’ll ever make it to Tokyo.
As of this writing, it’s been one month, seven days, and 24 minutes since I ingested the Devil’s elixir. I’ve saved (conservatively), $1,629.30 and 52,680 calories. There have been 108 hours that I didn’t spend sitting crooked on a barstool.
That’s long enough to know that tomorrow won’t be a problem abstaining from alcohol. However, I will regretfully have to decline the inevitable tailgate invites from acquaintances that don’t know I retired from alcohol.
Not drinking for a game the caliber of Notre Dame would have seemed foreign to me as little as two months ago. I would have thought you were trying to play some ruse on me. But I don’t have to go sober for the rest of my life tomorrow. I only have to go sober for tomorrow. And that makes it easier to manage.
Onwards.
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This week in Ohio Man…
When we cover the weekly escapades of Ohio Man in The Rooster, it usually features his eternal struggle against various law enforcement agencies for various hare-brained schemes he has hatched to eke out a living on the anvil of capitalism.
This one is different, though it’s still tragic.
Austin Bellamy, a 20-year-old Ohio Man, was hospitalized this week after accidentally cutting into a nest full of African killer bees while helping a friend do tree work. He was stung over 20,000 times.
Because this is America, and you need to carry African Killer Bee Insurance if you don’t want to deal with ludicrous hospital bills. Bellamy’s mother, Shawna Carter, has established a GoFundMe for her son. As of this writing, it’s raised $16,394 of its $10,000 goal.
This week in The Rooster…
Downtown Columbus Can’t Have it Both Ways. Downtown Columbus can either become a 15-minute neighborhood, or it can continue investing in the highways that segregate it. It can’t do both.
Grade Cards for City Leadership on the Teachers’ Strike. Elizabeth Brown, Zach Klein and Rob Dorans got high marks while everyone else… not so much.
Ohio’s Two Leading Democrats Dead Wrong on Loan Forgiveness. Biden’s loan forgiveness, while not enough, is a win for working-class, minority borrowers. That Tim Ryan and Nan Whaley came out against it is outrageous.
Columbus is Killing COTA Before Our Eyes. If city leaders were trying to kill mass transit in Columbus, so they no longer have to maintain the charade, what would look different from what’s happening right now? This week’s top dispatch is free for all.
OK, I’ve Been Patient. Now What? Columbus cops once again killed a black man, this one in his bed, and city leaders are asking for the patience that neither they nor the police deserves.
As always, you can follow The Rooster on Twitter for all of Ohio’s depravity. All the time.
THOSE WMDs. FBI questions Brett Favre in Mississippi welfare scandal… Ohio sees surge in women registering to vote after abortion ban… To fight inflation, Spain offers free train tickets… 11 discontinued breakfast cereals… You’ve probably seen yourself in your memories.
hell yeah, excellent work. i'm sure there's a bunch of people on here willing to have a sober gameday hangout if that would help.