Rooster in Review: End of the Road for the Tyrannical Typo

Gremlins call it "investing in your business."

Photo by Livia Widjaja on Unsplash

It was another week of brisk business for The Rooster. Thursday’s post, “God Damnit, the Crying CEO lives in Columbus,” received over 350 upvotes and 110 comments on Columbus’ subreddit. The almighty Business Line approves.

I want to welcome all the new subscribers and offer you a Friday 15% off a subscription price to join President Xi Jinping’s Patriots Caucus for five dispatches a week:

I’m told some commenters (who are no doubt miserable nerds in their private lives) took umbrage with my famous typos in the article. Double words. Missing articles. Somehow misspelling the name of the city where I’ve lived for the last 14 years.

Longtime readers know my promise: I will hire an editor the moment The Rooster clears $1,000,000 in annual revenue. I could probably hire one now, but I’d have to pay them, and they would have to deal with me writing daily dispatches anywhere between 9 a.m. the day before or 3 a.m. the day of.

That’s hustling all wrong.

What’s funny is I edit dispatches to the best of my ability. I also quit drinking 17 days, three hours, and two minutes ago as of this writing. The problem is editing your own writing is akin to doing your own dentistry, especially with the tight turnarounds The Rooster’s format demands.

I was content to let the typo train keep going until The Business Line went down for the first time in the history of this humble operation. Redditors shrieking about typos in an era where copy editors no longer exist were probably not going to like my writing anyway.

But a member of the fabled Patriots Caucus, who wishes to remain anonymous, has been cyber-bullying me for the last two weeks about purchasing Grammarly, a word processing application that will say, “Hey, dumbass, you put “the” twice in a row there for some reason only known to you and your God.”

In that last sentence alone, it caught that I wrote “cyber-bulling” instead of “cyber-bullying.” Substack’s word check let the error slip by.

As such, The Rooster is doing what business gremlins call “investing in your business,” thanks to this week’s newest subscribers. I feel the software is already a game-changer in the two dispatches I’ve written since purchasing a three-month lease of the software.

From now on, if you see a typo in The Rooster, no, you didn’t! But if you still claim to have seen such a blunder, please direct all complaints to Grammarly.

This week in Ohio Man…

Do you know Aaron Schwartz? If so, you should probably ignore his calls for a while because he’s wanted on multiple felony and misdemeanor warrants in four areas of Central Ohio, which means he’s been on a bit of a blinder lately:

From nbc4i.com:

Columbus:

• Misdemeanor for criminal damaging

Reynoldsburg:

• Stolen license plate

Westerville:

• Cyberstalking

• Three counts of violation of a protection order with a previous conviction

Licking County:

• Violation of a court order

• Telecommunications harassment

• Two counts of criminal damaging and trespass

• Violation of a protection order

• Failure to appear

The Rooster does not dispense legal advice, but if it did, the advice would be to go ahead and turn yourself in unless you have the cash reserves to live in a foreign country that lacks an extradition treaty with the United States. (Hello, Cuba!)

Ohio stories worth reading…

• Ohio election officials are swamped with requests for records from the 2020 vote.

• State legislatures are torching democracy—and Ohio is leading the way.

This week in The Rooster…

• Rob Portman Is Who We Thought He Was. Rob Portman will retire swearing he was a sensible moderate Republican after he delayed aid to burn pit victims and voted against a cap on insulin.

• Guy Fieri Needs to Run for Mayor Against That Fink Andy Ginther. Guy Fieri has the local connections and national juice to run against and defeat Mayor Suburbs. He is our only hope.

• Larry Householder’s Most Deranged Google Reviews, Ranked. Before he returned to the Lincoln Chair and did a RICO, Householder enjoyed leaving Google Reviews on everything from Cracker Barrel to an emergency room in Licking County.

• God Damnit, the Crying CEO Lives in Columbus. In a way, the Crying CEO perfectly represents Columbus’ odious tech gremlin class.

• God Damnit, the Right-Wing Freak That Attacked the FBI Building with a Nail Gun and AR-15 Lived in Columbus. Columbus has produced a lot of guys like Ricky Shiffer as of late.

As always, don’t forget to follow The Rooster on Twitter for all of Ohio’s insanity, all the time.

THOSE WMDs. The poisoned relationship between Trump and the keepers of U.S. secrets… Elon Musk’s biggest boondoggle… One weird trick to forget about the housing crisis… Far from home: Eight Afghani women try to build new lives abroad… The secret life of leftovers.