Rooster in Review: "Mean Jean Schmidt" Still a Psychotic Grandma

But hey, have you ever heard of this, Bitchin' Sauce?

Photo by David Brooke Martin on Unsplash

Folks, if you’re not already, be sure to check out Barry, the story of a low-rent Hitman on HBO, and Better Call Saul, the story of what would have happened if I ever got a law degree on AMC. Also Winning Time on HBO if you have the time. The most fun I’ve had with television shows in a long time. And yes, I’m ready to put Better Call Saul ahead of Breaking Bad. I’ll have that discussion any time.

Welcome to this week’s Rooster in Review.

This week’s most embarrassing state legislator: State Rep. “Mean Jean” Schmidt, whom we recently covered in our ongoing series, “Who’s This Legislative Dipshit?” This week she is here to restate the mainstream Ohio Republican position on rape exceptions for abortion: That it’s better to thank of raising your rapist’s baby as “an opportunity.”

Will the Satan’s minions like Schmidt expand social welfare programs to help new, unexpected mothers with any of that financial burden once the baby is born? Fuck you for even asking that question.

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OH Rep. Schmidt (R) on her abortion ban bill: "Rape is a difficult issue... but if a baby is created, it's human life. Whether that mother ends that pregnancy... the scars won't go away. It's a shame it happens, but there's an opportunity for women no matter how young or old..."

Usually with decrepit vampires like Schmidt, you know the Grim Reaper is right around the corner. Unfortunately this woman is an avid marathoner, so she will avoid the wages of her sin for much longer than she deserves, and it’s clear she’s going to go to the grave making life worse for the rest of us.

I can’t stop eating this Bitchin’ Sauce and all its flavors. I’ve been smashing vegtables left and right with this vegan hummus impression that’s apparently made from almonds? I’ve had three flavors and they haven’t missed yet. Do yourself a favor next time at Kroger. And no, they didn’t pay me for this but only because they didn’t offer.

This week in “Ohio Man.” A federal jury in West Virginia convicted Nathaniel Blayn Becker, 42, on four counts in connection with “pipe bombs found on tugboats on the Ohio River.” Lately Ohio men seem to have a knack for building bombs; but thankfully we’re equally bad at detonating them.

This week in The Rooster:

• “Who’s This Legislative Dipshit?” Meet State Rep. Kris Jordan, a corrupt wife-beater.

• The Twin Terrors of Titos and Twitter. It’s time to dial the knob back on both.

• The Discord Group of Right-Wing Terroristic Ohio Guardsmen Should Be a Bigger Deal, and as such we’ve unlocked this story for all.

• The Killed-a-Woman Shuffle a week later, and the Columbus Division of Police suddenly forgot that they leaked a cop was riding shotgun when the vehicle he owned struck and killed a pedestrian in the early hours of a Wednesday. This post is free for all.

• Revenge of the Nerds: With their birthright on the line, J.D. Vance and Josh Mandel summon even more cretinous Senators to defend them during the final hours of their brutal campaign.

As always, remember to follow The Rooster on Twitter for the latest content. Adios, nachitos.

THOSE WMDs. Running and the science of mental toughness… A crime beyond belief… The air-ambulance vultures… Is there an upside to having no social life?