Rooster in Review: Ohio Man Continues to be Bad at Crime
Free them all! Except that one that did the sex crimes. The government can keep him.
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My girlfriend told me she bought us tickets back in May that she promptly forgot about until she got an email reminder about the event happening tonight.
I braced myself for impact. I sure as Hell wasn’t about to be going to some country concert, sober and on a whim.
“Zoombezi Bay After Dark,” she said. “Limited ticket sales.”
I’m 35 years old, and I love waterparks. We went to Zoombezi Bay in May and honestly, it kinda sucked. But apparently we had an entire conversation about how Zoombezi Bay would be cooler if there were no kids and zero lines? Apparently that’s what this event is.
Though, I must say, it would have seemed more enticing when I could spend the three hours drinking Tito’s Vodka out of a flask. Tonight, I’m praying for a rainout and a refund because 75 degrees is too cold for a waterpark even when the sun is up.
This week in Ohio Man…
Above you will see the top four returns on Google News for a search of, “Ohio Man.”
As you can see, it hasn’t been a good week for us men in Ohio. The lesson, as always, is don’t do sex crimes, don’t run from the U.S. Marshals, don’t drive drunk let alone twice in one day, or draw the ire of the United States Postal Inspectors.
This week in The Rooster…
Sayonara to My Best Friend and Mortal Enemy. I’m retiring from alcohol after 19 years in the game. Today marks 10 days sober; look at me go!
Roughly 12.5% of Voters (If That) Will Play an Outsized Role in Ohio’s Legislative Primaries. The crooks that run Ohio won, again.
Results to Know from a Statewide Primary with 7.3 Percent Voter Turnout. A man named Thad Claggett will soon be joining the Ohio House of Representatives.
Hit the Bricks, Chief Justice O’Connor! Maureen O’Connor certainly wasn’t the worst Republican in Ohio… but she was still a Republican. She deserves no applause.
Columbus Teachers Aren’t Fucking Around. Columbus Public Schools teachers unanimously voted for a 10-day notice of strike, which is seeming more and more like an inevitability.
As always, be sure to follow The Rooster on Twitter for up-to-the-minute updates on Ohio’s insanity, all the time.
THOSE WMDs. Lis Smith searches for a thrill… The biggest differences between Old and the eerie graphic novel that inspired it… How Wall Street and Silicon Valley are worsening housing inequality—and how to fix it… Three important life skills nobody taught you… The double lives of white collar professionals with two jobs.