Rooster in Review: Private equity lessons with Red Lobster Lover Joe
The No. 1 Red Lobster fan in the world knows the perils of private equity owning something you love.
I biked to the Red Lobster on Georgesville Road last week to break bread with Red Lobster Love Joe, one of my favorite organic social media personalities in Columbus.
It had been nearly two years since our first lunch date, which you can read here:
Just ask for Lobster Lover Joe
“I’m here to see Lobster Lover Joe,” I said to the Red Lobster host just as I’d been instructed to say by the big man himself.
The circumstances of our meeting were much different than in December 2022.
Red Lobster, as you might have seen, is currently attempting to emerge from a bankruptcy declaration.
The chain attempted to spin the grim financial outlook on its ubiquitous endless shrimp deal, which certainly looked suspicious even before its shrimp supplier, Thai Union, settled a seemingly unrelated price-fixing lawsuit from the tuna industry.
The company has emerged from bankruptcy under a stalking horse agreement with RL Investor Holdings, which appointed the fresh-faced Damola Adamolekun, most recently of P.F. Chang’s, as the new CEO.
The chain hopes its financial outlook will improve now that it has closed 100 franchises, including one in Columbus on Route 161.
Despite the troubles, I found Red Lobster Lover Joe in a buoyant mood, hoping that his beloved company had found its financial footing.
“Everything seems good here,” Joe reported. “[The establishment on Route] 161 wasn't the greatest location, and that was the only one that suffered.”
Joe hoped the new leadership would develop new promotions, though he had additional advice for the new regime.
“Try to stay up with the guests, their comments on what they like, what they don't like,” Joe said. “Because basically, their promotions are taking their current commodities and packaging them up.
“You have to come out with new things periodically.”
Joe had to remind me that he doesn’t have a “go-to” order. Rather, he enjoys a rotating, eclectic mix to keep things fresh in his ongoing battle against arthritis, which is the reason he found himself eating seafood so much.
“I took a lot of heat when I ordered the burger last time,” I said. “‘How could you order a burger at Red Lobster?’ they said. But it was a very good burger.”
“It’s a very good burger,” Joe agreed. “I had it about two weeks ago.”
In the end, however, I caved to the haters and ordered the Southwest Shrimp Bowl with a side of brussel sprouts.
Joe echoed the sentiment with a delicious-looking Parrot Isle Coconut Shrimp Salad:
I won’t lie: I had hoped to ascertain how Joe viewed the 2024 General Election. Despite our ongoing friendship, his politics remain a mystery to me, and apparently, they will stay that way.
“It’s like I tell people about the election,” Joe said. “It’s going to be tough.”
But I asked Joe… what would happen if—God forbid—the Private Equity Reaper came for his beloved establishment on Georgesville Road?
“I mentioned in the last interview about once a month or once every other month, I meet friends at Old Bag of Nails,” Joe said, adding that it has “comparable seafood.”
I didn’t mince words: “Old Bag of Nails Lover Joe” wouldn’t have the same ring.
As for the much-ballyhooed Endless Shrimp Deal, it’s still around—though limited to Monday—for the price of $25, which includes a side since, as Joe notes, they want to fill you up on things cheaper than the shrimp.
Joe did point out some problems with the original offering, which was good as long as Red Lobster was open for business.
“If you go to social media, you will see these videos of those professional eaters,” he said. “They can eat, three to four-hundred shrimp in a sitting.”
The most Joe had eaten, by comparison, was 85 shrimp in a single sitting, which he estimated lasted a little over two hours.
“How did that make you feel?” I asked.
“Stuffed and miserable,” he confessed.
Perhaps there would be a lesson for the private equity gremlins currently in control of Red Lobster if they were willing to look.
Get your anti-gerrymandering shirt ahead of Election Day and send a message to Ohio’s Republican junta
I had numerous requests to put the “BAN GERRYMANDERING” hog design on a t-shirt, and I’m thankful to Morgan Hughes at Supporter Supply for acquiescing to the demand.
You can order the shirt here and have it ready by Election Day.
This week in Ohio Man…
I’m not going to lie; when I originally read the headline, I thought an Ohio Man had injured himself while teaching his child how to drive drunk.
Thankfully, that wasn’t the case: An Ohio Man injured himself while drunk and teaching his nine-year-old child how to back a car out of a driveway.
From Karmann Ludwig of WTOL.com:
TOLEDO, Ohio — A man was criminally charged Sunday after he allegedly attempted to teach his 9-year-old son how to drive a vehicle, and was run over, Toledo police said.
According to a police report, 36-year-old Clejuan Williams was attempting to teach his 9-year-old child how to back out of a driveway at approximately 10:50 a.m. In a court document, authorities claimed Williams was intoxicated at the time of the incident.
Williams was standing in the door jamb while his child sat in the driver's seat. The child did not know which pedal to press and pressed the gas pedal instead of the brakes, police said.
I showed this story to Hilltop Husband, and she said, “As the mother of a nine-year-old, I can’t imagine ever doing that.”
But that’s the power of alcohol, folks! I would never have done that sober in my active alcoholic days, but I certainly could have drank enough Tito’s Handmade Vodka to the point that something that asinine seemed like a good idea.
Getting criminally charged after getting run over by your son is a wild insult to the literal injury, too.
This week in The Rooster…
The time for transit is now. Columbus City Council President Shannon Hardin sat down with The Rooster to explain why the city must pass Issue 47 and transform its transit network into a 21st-century system. The dispatch also features a bust-up of Attorney General Dave Yost at the Ohio Right to Life March, Mayor Suburbs’ latest criminal act, and Ohio State wide receiver coach Brian Hartline displaying a terminal case of right-wing brain worms.
Five Ohio House campaigns worthy of your money. Did you know Ohio lets individuals write off $50 (or couples $100) in donations to General Assembly or Statewide candidates? It’s true. The Rooster highlighted five Ohio House campaigns where you will get much better bang for your buck than donating to federal campaigns.
The call of the hogs. This dispatch features a 90-second, anti-gerrymandering advertisement drawing on the fabled theme of hog voters. It also ties into the necessity of passing Issue 1 by showcasing how HB-6, the most brazen bribery scheme in state history (that we know about), went to all the way to the Trump Administration, with Trump’s compromised point man in Ohio also running the pro-gerrymandering group, Ohio works.
Now is as good a time as any to join the Patriots Caucus, with only weeks remaining before a pivotal Election Day.
Take the plunge for a month if you’re a free subscriber. You can always cancel after Election Day while still knowing you still helped put psychic damage on Ohio’s hobgoblin cartel.
THOSE WMDs. Inside the companies that set sports gambling odds… The Equalizer: Digitalizing the National Archives… A flight attendant’s guide to building comfortable travel outfits… No Hurricane will make rich people leave… Just how doomed is home insurance?