Rooster in Review: The Duality of Ohio Man

It's been a week of dueling headlines for America's famous anti-LGBTQ chicken sandwich corporation.

Another week in the books for the shareholders, my friends! I’m thinking about going to Detroit to ride bikes.

Americans, especially ones that love racist dog whistles, have a lot of negative things to say about Detroit. But I’ve never been, and I’ve always contended if you can’t have fun in any major city for at least 72 hours, you’re a coward, a square, or a cowardly square in some combination.

Nothing is set in stone yet, but I will visit Detroit, surprisingly the sixth-most bike-friendly city in the country, at some point this spring. Stay tuned!

In the meantime, I’d be honored if you free-loaders in the parking lot considered financially sustaining my work covering the lizard cabal that controls Ohio’s local and state governments.

Subscribe and never miss a dispatch! And also be assured to be declared “one of the good ones” when the Revolution finally comes to our shores.

This week in Ohio Man…

We have a first in the ongoing sagas of Ohio Man. This week features two entries that highlight the duality of Chik-Fil-A in the state.

The first involves a Chick-Fil-A franchise owner who drove all the way to North Carolina in hopes of having sex with a teenager.

From 10tv.com:

ROWAN COUNTY, N.C. — An Ohio man who owns a Chick-fil-A restaurant was arrested after authorities say he drove to North Carolina teenager's home for sex.

The Rowan County Sheriff's Office said deputies were called to a reported break-in in progress at a home on March 5. When deputies arrived, a resident told them that when he got home, he found a man inside the home with their 15-year-old child.

Detectives said they found 49-year-old Stacy Lee Austin had driven from Ohio to the teen's house after communicating on a social media platform. Austin reportedly arranged to pick the teen up. He allegedly performed sexual activities while inside the house. 

Criminal horniness continues to be a thorn in the side of Ohio Man’s freedom. And listen, generally as a rule of thumb, it’s a bad idea if you’re at the point where you’re willing to drive 10 hours to have sex with anyone, let alone a teenager!

But it wasn’t all bad headlines for Chik-Fil-A. A Canton widower ate 1,000 meals in a row (except for Sundays) thanks to the community he found at their restaurant.

From Bev Shaffer of cantonrep.com:

John Carucci, a longtime guest of a North Canton-area Chick-fil-A , has hit a major milestone with his 1,000th consecutive visit to the restaurant.

Carucci started his streak stopping at the Chick-fil-A on Dressler Road NW in Jackson Township on a daily basis (minus Sundays, of course) in December 2020 after his wife died. He quickly found community at the restaurant, where he takes a seat at his usual spot on most days.

In celebration of the latest milestone, Carucci was treated to a trip to Houston by the current owner-operator, George Rosche, and its former operator, Doug Pugh, according to a news release.

I’m reminded of the Hunter S. Thompson quote, “Once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.” For me, that was Tito’s Handmade Vodka. For Mr. Carucci, it was fried chicken sandwiches from a bigoted corporation. To each their own!

This week in The Rooster…

• When the freaks come home to roost. It’ll be hard to feel sympathy for any Ohio House Republican who loses their job at the hands of the freak voters they helped cultivate, even if it will leave our state worse off.

• The final countdown. Laughing at the final days of the Frank LaRose campaign, Dublin (OH) tries to bamboozle the Irish, and Dusty Dave Yost gets back to his old tricks.

• The State of The Union. Sherrod Brown appears ready to follow Tim Ryan's lead. It’s hard to see it ending differently. (Dispatch is free for all.)

THOSE WMDs. The tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming… The rise of the concierge moms… Ohio cheats taxpayers and public schools by funneling money to private entities… Why Daylight Savings Time messes with your brain… Sports gambling was a gateway drug.