Rooster mailbag extravaganza

You have questions! I have (some) answers.

May 03, 2023

∙ Paid

Ai-generated image of a Rooster delivering mail

Big news out of the Statehouse yesterday: House Speaker Jason Stephens (R-Kitts Hill) told assembled reporters that the House wouldn’t be voting on a resolution to raise the threshold needed to pass new constitutional amendments.

That leaves only one more week until the deadline for a Special August Election imposed by Secretary of State Frank LaRose. I’m skeptical they wouldn’t move those goalposts as needed, but it’s encouraging that Stephens is still standing tall against the assault.

Especially after this report from Morgan Trau of news5cleveland.com:

COLUMBUS, Ohio — The resolution to make it harder to amend the Ohio constitution is not being voted on this week, apparently after some GOP House members started to get cold feet.
[…]
"I'm not going to be flip-flopping on a vote to say, 'yes, we can do August elections,'" [Rep. Jon Cross (R-Kenton)] added. "So I'd say let's just do this in 2024 if this is what we feel is important for the people."
He isn't the only one who feels that way, but he was the only one to go on record. There are whispers of concerns from other lawmakers who are realizing the gravity of this situation, one lawmaker said. Others told News 5 privately about their concerns.

There is no House session today, but the Ohio Voter Rights Coalition is still going ahead with its planned demonstration at the Statehouse. If you’re around Columbus looking for civic engagement, the muster point is at Trinity Episcopal Church at 125 E. Broad Street at 12:30 p.m.

If you see me up there, say hi! I’ll have free stickers for you.

🐓 JOIN THE PATRIOTS CAUCUS 🐓

Welcome to the Wednesday mailbag. I, uh, was overwhelmed by the response—over 150 questions. I couldn’t get to them all, so if I didn’t answer your question and you’re really burning to get an answer, respond to this email or DM me on Twitter.

Questions are in bold. Responses in plain text.

🐓 JOIN THE PATRIOTS CAUCUS 🐓

How did Miami University become Animal Torture University?

Like many things in my life, it was a joke that got out of hand. But I don’t care for Oxford and its focus on Greek Life. Do I know a couple of normal, well-adjusted Miami grads? One or two. But the rest are straight out of a serial killer factory where graduation depends on how well they torture an animal to death.0

Recommendations for quitting drinking?

The first two weeks are the hardest. Don’t hang out with any friends that wouldn’t stop you from drinking if you showed up with a bottle of liquor. Don’t regularly hang out in bars—they’ll get you drunk before you get them sober.

I have what I call the iron triangle: Writing, reading, and riding my bike. I’m good at all three, and they’re positive activities. If I want to drink, I do one of those three things. If I’m already doing one of those three things, I do one of the other.

It gets easier the further you go. I’m at 280 days. According to my sobriety app Nomo, I’ve saved $12,013.87 on vodka—not counting the dumbass purchases I would have made while drunk. I’ve saved 800 hours—not including the time I would have spent on my couch hungover. I’ve saved 388,488 calories—not including all the dumbass meals I would have eaten while drunk.

My only regret is not quitting sooner. But, I promise you, whatever bullshit excuse you’re telling yourself about why you can’t quit—mine was “What about football season?”—is just that, bullshit. Anything you enjoy doing drunk can be enjoyed doing sober, and if that’s not the case, you were just doing that activity to hide your drinking problem in the first place.

Lastly, have somebody you can talk to. And remember, even if you relapse, you can still kick the habit. Most people take 5-6 times to kick the habit. I hope this helps because I promise you won’t regret kicking the sauce to the curb.

If we have limited time and energy to give to the movement, where do we put that time and energy?

Focus on something local. Too much of American politics is focused on the circus in Washington D.C. Find a local charity, mutual aid group, or somebody doing work that you find honorable and contact them to see if there’s anything you can do to help. Most of these groups would be thankful for any time or money you could provide.

Ever think you’ll leave Ohio? What would the hobgoblins in the Statehouse have to do to make you not want to live here anymore?

I think about leaving Ohio every day. I have lived most of my life within a 50-mile radius of Columbus, Ohio. I love Central Ohio in my own embarrassing way, but it’s still a depressing thought.

The most depressing thing is that there’s no hope anything will get better. Urban Democrats in Columbus, Cincinnati and Cleveland seem intent on lording over their fiefdoms and blaming their failures on Republicans at the state level.

Rural voters in this state seem to have a never-ending appetite for some of the dumbest, most repulsive people you’ve ever met in your life.

My girlfriend and I want to move to Ireland, but that’s all they are at the moment. Plans.

Do you worry that running away to Ireland might let the hobgoblins think they've won?

Hell yes. I talked with my girlfriend about it the other day because “never logging off” pulsates through my blood. And as much as I enjoyed our recent excursion to the Emerald Isle, it’s not like the Statehouse can come with me.

I will say that I won’t be leaving the country this year. I plan on seeing the ensuing fight around the proposed abortion amendment through.

What are your favorite music artists, and what genres of music do you like most? Maybe that's two questions in one, but I don't care.

My friend introduced me to rap in the 7th grade when he illegally downloaded Tupac and Dr. Dre’s “California Love” via his parents’ 56K internet connection on Napster.

I’ve been a fan of gangster rap ever since. Not because I think I am a thug, but because I generally want to feel like I’m on my way to rob a crackhouse whenever I listen to music. My favorite artists are Gucci Mane, Young Dolph, and DMX.

But I am also content to listen to any music except for heavy, heavy death metal. Country music used to be on the no-spin list, but I recently discovered how the genre makes for great bike-riding music.

Is there any way progressives can take over any Columbus City Council seats? It is so frustrating that we have a revolving door of people in city council.

Unless that person is a celebrity like Guy Fieri, no. The new ward system that council imposed is a total illusion of democracy. Candidates must collect signatures from their wards but are subject to the votes of the entire city. The Property Value Voters will continue to eat their slop from the Franklin County Democratic Party Sample Ballot.

It’s sad but true.

Do you prefer air-fried wings or deep deep-fried wings?

I am a pervert who prefers cauliflower wings these days, but my air fryer ruined restaurant wings for me. Air-fried wings taste the same as any restaurant’s and are like a third of the price! Easy decision for me.

Have you watched Professional Wrestling and if so, what is your favorite wrestler or storyline?

I was lucky enough to be in middle school when you might as well not have shown your face at school on Tuesday if you didn’t watch WCW Nitro or WWE Raw.

I stopped watching after the WWE Attitude era, which in retrospect, was deeply problematic despite being wildly entertaining back then.

Some of my favorite wrestlers, in order: The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Ken Shamrock, Mankind, Rey Mysterio,

Can we review why Trump is the funniest human alive? I happen to agree with you, and a recap would be fun.

Trump is a horrible person and an even worse president… but you gotta admit, the man is the funniest person alive.

Here are some of my favorite moments from his presidency off the top of my head. I know I’m missing some heaters, too.

The time he called the late John McCain “a fucking loser”

From Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic:

Trump remained fixated on McCain, one of the few prominent Republicans to continue criticizing him after he won the nomination. When McCain died, in August 2018, Trump told his senior staff, according to three sources with direct knowledge of this event, ‘We’re not going to support that loser’s funeral,’ and he became furious, according to witnesses, when he saw flags lowered to half-staff. ‘What the fuck are we doing that for? Guy was a fucking loser,’ the president told aides."