Rooster Resolutions

The Business Line continues its ascent thanks to patriots like you. Here's what's next in 2022.

Well, barring anything unforeseen, we are on deck to survive another year of the pandemic, besties!!!!

You know what that means… time to talk about the goals of next year that we will most likely surrender in the first half of January.

My big 2022 resolution is to cut the alcohol intake by 80-90%. I’ve easily surpassed that goal in the last two months, so I want to keep the good times rolling into next year.

My best friend told me the other day while he loves drinking, he also loves not drinking.

That’s where I am. There are two types of people in this world, those with a bent elbow and those with a straight one, and I made my decision long ago.

But after 35 years of life, I’m starting to realize waking up sober after a good night’s sleep feels way better than the bottom of a Tito’s Handmade Vodka bottle. Scientists may want to look into this. I could be on to something big.

Not drinking six days a week has folded well into my next goals: Quit eating and spending money like asshole.

I need to drop a quick 20 (read: 30) pounds and stop spending retirement money on dumb shit. Such are the joys of no longer being able to shirk the responsibilities of a middle-aged man with more aspirations than dying alone in a gutter of untreated syphilis at age 54.

The last resolution, though Hell is upon us and waking horrors await, is to make 2022 the year of The Rooster with the help of patriots like yourself.

The Rooster is running a 50% year-end sale ahead of 2022’s cost-of-living adjustment to subscription prices.

Starting with the second week of January, The Rooster dispatches will be paid-subscriber only every day of the week except Thursday.

Please read that last sentence again, and remember: There will never be a better price.

I wish there was a way I could charge $1.69 an article or whatever, but my hands are tied until Substack gets off its ass and offers micro-transactions.

My overall goal with The Rooster (detailed below) is to quit fucking around and give you slobs the content upgrades you’ve been demanding in the last two years.

1. Business Line Goes Up

Above you will see the all-subscriber growth of The Rooster since its inception in December 2018.

Slow, steady and methodical—growth you can bank on—is how I think of The Rooster’s expansion to hide the fact I’m a piss-poor capitalist.

I am, however, a firm believer that word-of-mouth is the best form of advertisement, and I am personally thankful for all those that have spread the gospel far and ride. There are names on names among the subscribers that I don’t believe myself at times.

Feel free to forward any dispatch to a friend or family member you think might get a kick out of The Rooster. Or if you’re truly feeling charitable, buy them a gift subscription—have we mentioned they’re 50% off?

Though The Rooster is always looking for new customers, we’ve realized we need to do a better job appreciating the old customers beyond flooding their inbox with typo-ridden screeds of the latest cursed thought to ricochet against my rotted mind.

2. Shirts At Least, Merchandising in General

That’s right; the insatiable hogs that are my customers have won their long war at last. I will be adding my own mark to the Ohio t-shirt industrial complex, with a first run of two mock-ups you can see above.

Please note these shirts will be union printed in the United States of America. The associated costs will come with that, but the first run will be made available to subscribers at cost, because again what kind of communist would I be if I were a good capitalist.

There has never been a better time to subscribe to The Rooster, as you might not know we’re holding a year-end 50% sale on the price, forever.

Look for shirts in March after The Rooster settles the 2021 account with the Internal Revenue service.

If the shirts go well, there will be more to come… as well as cheaper goodies like stickers.

3. Fuck It, We’ll Do It Live

The Rooster will launch a podcast tentatively called The Crowcast in 2022. I’m still working out the kinks—I’m not trying to be amateur hour radio over here—but my target is late January for launch.

I’ll probably start with a goal of doing one a month. Ideally 45 minutes to an hour, though I’d have no problem going long with an interesting guest if time permits. And yes, there will be guests.

I don’t want to be one of those assholes that just rotates his friends for esoteric conversations that only intrigues the two people talking. I want to use the podcast as a way of offering different perspectives, whether that’s coming in politics, sports, or whatever the hell is the topic of the day.

I don’t expect to become the next Joe Rogan, though that would be cool since I’d be way better than him at being a rich podcaster.

That’s it. Those are my big ideas.

Please subscribe and tell a friend to subscribe to The Roster! There’s a year-end 50% sale going on now!

THOSE WMDs. How to win $19 million in the lottery—and become a bank robber… Only John Madden could’ve led John Madden’s life… Harry Reid in 2019: The filibuster is suffocating the will of the American people… Pork vindaloo recipe… Modern America’s most successful secessionist movement.