When good dogs tweet bad
The dormant Twitter account of a since-deceased dog offers a fascinating insight into the reactionary minds of one of the most politically connected couples in Ohio.
The cold war between Domestic Terrorist State Senate President Matt Huffman (R-Lima) and House Speaker Jason Stephens (R-Kitts Hill) is about to heat up after the Christmas break.
Huffman wanting to return to the House as the Speaker after he’s term-limited out of the Senate at the end of next year is no secret. To do that, however, he’ll need to put loyal pawns in the House—like Larry Householder before him—and he’s backing candidates across the state to defeat Republican representatives loyal to Stephens.
One candidate is Sally Culling in the 75th House District in Northwestern Ohio, currently represented by Haraz Ghanbari (R-Perrysburg).
I’ve written about Culling in the past. She’s presented herself as a grassroots mom on a mission. Yet she’s backed by Americans for Prosperity, a Koch-funded dark money group heavily involved in Statehouse politics. Her husband, Joshua, is also a member of the Republican State Central Committee. Her campaign is the opposite of grassroots!
This article from September sets the stage for anyone unfamiliar:
As I said then, my biggest beef with her is that she’s a British citizen. That’s because I discriminate against three groups of people: Teenagers, people with face tattoos who don’t rap for a living, and white Britains who don’t cheer for Aston Villa in the English Premier League.
Culling calls this “bigotry” and “xenophobia.” That’s hilarious coming from someone who belongs to the party of Donald Trump.
But it’s also a lot like white Americans crying about the mythical notion of “reverse racism.” It’s just not possible to be racist against white people, since it’s a systemic structure and not just a single person calling them a cracker or whatever they think it is.
We fought an entire war in this country not to respect the British monarchy. Frankly, I think any American paying an iota of attention to the British Monarchy is disrespectful to our brave troops who perished in the Revolutionary War.
Yesterday, however, a tipster asked me if I had seen the Cullings’ social media account for their dog. Making a social media account for your pet is deranged. But I assumed it was an Instagram account since that’s the app where everybody’s loveable pics go.
But no! It’s on Twitter, which is another perversion entirely. And folks, the account for their since-deceased dog Samson, a pit bull mix, didn’t disappoint.
We know this account belongs to the Cullings due to multiple tweets, but here are two ironclad examples that dispel the notion it could be anyone else behind the account:
I don’t think any of these tweets will cost Culling the election, though that would certainly be a lot funnier if it did. I don’t present this missive as something that should send them to prison.
But I do always find it interesting how politicians talked before they sought office because it offers better insight into their beliefs than anything they’ll say on the campaign trail.
It’s even better what comes in the form of a pseudo-anonymous account. It’s more insightful to their worldview than some manufactured paragraphs and polished biographies on a candidate's website.
Please note that thanks to Elon Musk’s chicanery with Twitter, the dates on the Tweets are messed up. However, these are presented in chronological order from the earlier to the end. You can verify yourself at the Twitter account, which still stands as of this writing.
It’s funny to think that somewhere around May 1st, 2011, the Cullings’ new dog immediately defected on the bathroom floor. It’s a feeling that millions of dog owners know. Yet only a select few freaks have probably ever been inspired by that disgusting moment to create a Twitter account and tell the world about the heinous deed from the perspective of the dog!
And so it sets the stage for the depravity to come.
This account only has 25 followers. But it probably would have had millions if they had kept posting about their dog’s bowel movements. Alas.
#JustSaying, Samson, it would have been a lot cooler if you just kept shitting inside their house like a total boss. But I understand that sometimes moves have to be made to keep a roof over your head.
Nothing like logging into your dog’s Twitter account to compliment yourself!
Yet another example in the long history of conservatives enjoying television shows in which every character would hate them.
That’s not how crack cocaine works! It’s not a hallucinogenic!
The little things in moments like these show broad insights into people’s minds, like having to clarify in a tweet from your dog’s account that your dog is not, in fact, gay because he just took a thermometer up his asshole.
There is being horny. And then seven levels above being “criminally horny,” there is logging on to your dog’s account to tell the world that you were turned on by the hot nurse fondling your dog’s nuts.
Love to get mad at my neighbors for not instantly recognizing the exact type of breed mixture of my dog! I hate when people take an interest in my pet!
That sound you’re hearing is Sigmund Freud, from beyond the grave, making notes about the testicular fixation of this account.
Maybe they wouldn’t have needed to hire a professional to walk their dog if they did their job as dog owners instead of tweeting! Just thinking out loud here.
Logging onto my dog’s account to tweet at the President of the United States is a hilarious thought process. I have zero quips for that.
I always love it when people say they “bought a house.” I understand it’s a celebratory moment, but let’s not lose track of the fact that you took out a bank loan against your income for the next 30 years for an asset you hope will increase in value as affordability for other potential homeowners decreases.
But that’s nitpicking compared to the real gem of the salvo: Dropping “crib” in a tweet and then doubling back to clarify for your sub-25 followers that “crib” means “house” like it’s 2003.
Damn! Sad to see a well-meaning dog turn into a casual racist. I wonder where he’s getting that from?
Yes, it’s weird how Geico crunched the numbers and decided that pit bulls required extra coverage. That’s how insurance works, brother!
But again, you could have made that point without adding the entirely unnecessary “#jimcrow2011” tag. I’m sure the Cullings would say it’s a joke, but jokes are supposed to be funny! And it says a lot that they immediately cited Jim Crow for their ridiculous point.
Must not have been the hot nurse from the previous tweet! But again, one of the Cullings logged into their dog’s Twitter account to call the service worker trying to help their dog a bitch. What are we doing at this point?
It’s so funny how mad the Cullings got about stereotypes against pit bulls when their dog was only a part mix. It’s like some white guy from New Jersey getting upset about “anti-Italian discrimination” against Christopher Columbus because their great-grandmother immigrated from Sicily in an era when America had open borders.
I also understand the notion that there are no bad dogs, only bad owners. And I believe it to an extent.
But let’s not pretend there isn’t a reason why dog fighters use pit bulls. Living in The Bottoms, I once encountered two pit bulls attacking a third. All three dogs were in a frenzy and would have fought to the death unless a random guy driving by instructed me on how to get the two dogs off the one. (You make a noose with a belt and throw it around their necks, and the choking effect makes them come off smooth as butter.)
I don’t even need to see the “disgraceful” McDonald's ad to know that it wasn’t some anti-pit bull PSA. But it’s humorous to think about the Cullings getting mad enough about a fast food commercial that they had to tweet about it in their dog's voice.
Good news! That all went away thanks to the Ohio Republican Party and the Ohio Farm Bureau, which lobbies to allow industrial farms to dump chemicals into the lake’s tributaries that cause toxic algae blooms.
Oh, and don’t forget the recent news that we’re spitting on $50 million in federal money to build a wind farm to harness the lake’s natural powers.
What a weird comment to make! I normally like dogs, but this one is a major loser if they have a problem with working people getting paid a living wage with the help of their unions.
Obama, for all his flaws, inherited a disastrous economy from his Republican predecessor and led one of the most remarkable economic turnarounds in modern history. But that wasn’t good enough for this unemployed dog for some reason!
At this point, I am surprised they had the sense to sensor the n-word. I would have thought they could have gotten away with it since “Samson is Black too.”
You’re part pit bull, Samson! You’re a pit bull mix, which is why your neighbors always ask!
But maybe you should reflect on why some people see pit bulls as inherently violent if you’re snapping at your guardian who was only trying to help! The first skill in politics is understanding how other people view your actions.
It’s called law-and-order, Samson! Pit bulls are banned breeds in the United Kingdom. You should take it up with your Mother! She’s the one who lives the Monarchy.
And I am too lazy to look, but I assume Belfast never recovered from the economic devastation of the Cullings’ boycott.
I have my criticisms of Tebow, and I’ll see him in Hell for what he did to my Ohio State Buckeyes in the 2007 BCS title game. But I’m not sure a quote about how hard work beats talent is the best example to prove he’s an idiot.
This is America, Samson! You get everything you want in life by simply working hard for a boss who pays you a living wage out of the kindness of his heart without the need for unions. It’s simple math!
I'm starting to doubt the political instincts here. Romney was never a “dogg” on the campaign trail, which is why he lost in humiliating fashion to Obama, the president who never gave us any jobs!
Samson… the call is coming from inside the house! I’m starting to think that your owners don’t have the time needed to be decent dog owners.
Don’t glamorize the drug dealer life, Samson! You live under the thumb of law-and-order Republicans!
This is getting depressing. The Cullings clearly don’t have time for their dog anymore outside of tweeting, and they’re adding a kid to the mix! It’s not looking good for our racist dog friend who also likes rap music.
Bloody freezing, you say? Interesting choice of words! I never heard an American use that word in that fashion.
Here we are again with the need to talk dog sex as Freud scribbles on his notepad.
I’m baffled by the #LGBT hashtag. I understand it’s casual homophobia on top of the previously shown casual racism…. but a male and female dog trying to fuck is the opposite of LGBT activity. But it’s clear the facts won’t stand in their way when trying to make a quip that equates gay sex to two animals fucking in a park.
They’re calling this photo “The most British couple ever to visit Ohio.”
Who is this tweet for? My god. The Cullings are airing their passive-aggressive grievances with each other on their dog’s Twitter account. Go to couples’ therapy and learn how to adjudicate your problems like adults.
There were no winners, but there certainly were some losers!
We did, actually! The Republican House Majority spent $7 million to produce an 800-page report that found no criminal wrongdoing by anyone, let alone Hillary Clinton.
The law of large numbers isn’t discrimination, brother! Your insurance goes up when you engage in risky behavior like smoking cigarettes or driving expensive cars. They’d go bankrupt if they just made the numbers up.
Another baffling insight into the the reactionary mind.
This account cited Tupac’s birthday and periodically tweets rap lyrics, but then turns around and mocks the concept of Black Lives Matter and White Privilege by reducing it to piss-poor hashtag jokes.
Perhaps Samson would have gone a different route if he knew that would be his penultimate tweet.
And here’s the problem with creating social media accounts for your pets: It gets awkward when they die like they rest of us.
There was no memorial tweet for our friend Samson, who at this point might have been at the hospital to deal with a self-inflicted gunshot wound after being driven insane by being locked in a cage for the majority of his days after being replaced by a baby.
Samson wasn’t the first dog in America that’s happened to. But now, two years after his death, his account stands en memorium to his owners’ godawful politics. And for that, we thank them!
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