Sweet Jesus, the Hillbilly Cosplayer Might Have Won Trump's Hunger Games

Trump's endorsement is the only thing that could save this elitist's campaign.

Donald Trump has enjoyed watching Ohio’s Republican Senate hopefuls “trying to suck his dick,” which is the perfect representation of current state politics.

With only two weeks before the May 3rd election, President Business Deals is reportedly decided on his endorsement pick: Venture capitalist J.D. Vance.

From Marc Caputo and Vaughn Hillyard of nbcnews.com:

Former President Donald Trump plans to endorse J.D. Vance in Ohio's crowded Senate Republican primary, according to three sources with knowledge of his decision.

In recent days, Trump has begun calling donors and advisers to get their opinions on endorsing the “Hillbilly Elegy” author, but he held off under intense pressure from the rival Republican campaigns of Josh Mandel and Jane Timken, sources said.

The Rooster would not be surprised to learn that Vance’s sugar daddy and wannabe Republican kingmaker, Peter Thiel, cut a check to Trump for the endorsement. Trump famously operates in quid pro quos, and his blessing is the only thing capable of putting a huckster like Vance over the top.

There is still, however, a lot of time remaining between now and Trump’s appearance at the Delaware County Fairgrounds on April 23rd. There is already a coalition of Republican Party hobgoblins who are working against Vance:

From Paul Steinhauser, Tyler Olson, Brooke and Brooke Singman of foxnews.com:

A host of Ohio state and county GOP officials Thursday are drafting a letter urging former President Donald Trump not to endorse in the state's Republican Senate primary, amid a report he plans to back candidate J.D. Vance, multiple Republican sources tell Fox News Digital.

The Ohio GOP Central Committee and about half of the Republican state county chairs are behind the letter, according to the sources. The genesis of the effort came from the campaigns for GOP candidates Jane Timken and Josh Mandel, who fought hard against Trump endorsing Vance, GOP sources say. A GOP source also says the campaign of GOP candidate Mike Gibbons played a role. 

For Vance’s opponents, the strategy is clear. Try to push back an endorsement for as long as possible, because every day of early voting that passes dilutes the effectiveness of Trump’s endorsement.

But they’re in DEFCON-1, which means the fire to this smoke is real. They know it’s over for their respective candidates should the Orange God deigns to descend from the skies and place his complete and total endorsement on Vance, a guy who probably had 10% name recognition among voters only a couple months ago.

From Trump’s perspective endorsing Vance makes sense. Jane Timken has the energy of somebody suffering from a crippling Xanax addiction. Josh Mandel, well, Trump reportedly thinks he’s an uncharismatic weirdo (hey, when he’s right; he’s right), and former frontrunner Mike Gibbons just got exposed on tape for saying what rich people believe: Their class pays too much in taxes and everybody else is a bunch of freeloaders.

Vance, meanwhile, has rich friends and a Netflix deal. He has won every post-debate straw poll as Mandel and Gibbons crumbled in person and Timken never gained the juice she never had in the first place. Vance is flawed, but not anywhere

The Rooster, it must be said, thought Vance’s anti-Trump remarks would make him fish food with Trump. That was a mistake on our part, considering Trump most likely feels sexual gratification whenever a former hater comes to grovel before him.

No doubt Vance’s opponents thought they did a better job than him in that regard. Mandel especially has debased himself in a way that probably led to tears when he heard the news of Trump’s decision yesterday. Can’t say we feel bad about it.

But that’s the only solace from this race to Hell that we were ever going to salvage.

Gibbons will have set millions of his dollars on fire, Timken will have failed despite bribing every former Trump advisor that she could to join her campaign, and Mandel will have burned his nest egg from his aborted 2018 Senate bid and might actually have to get an actual job for the first time in his adult life.

Until Trump makes his move, however, this is still a three horse race between Gibbons, Mandel and Vance. May God have mercy on our souls, because the cacophony of nonsense coming from these freaks is about to get much, much worse.

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