The First Rooster Mailbag (Part II)
The First Rooster Mailbag (Part II)
The second part of the first-ever Rooster mailbag!
Welcome to the second part of the First Rooster Mailbag! I had to divide this into two parts due to Substack’s draconian length limits.
The first part should have arrived in your mailbox at the usual time of 4:59 a.m. If you don’t see it, be sure to check your promotions and spam folders.
Also please consider becoming a financial supporter of The Rooster since these questions will inevitably lead to thousands in therapy bills…
What should I hate more? Hyperloop or Bitcoin?
- Tim From Lakewood
Bitcoin is a fake computer currency favored by nerds and cybercriminals that uses more energy for a single transaction than the average American house uses in a month.
And yet… it’s got more utility to earth than Elon Musk’s literal pipe dream. Of course this won’t stop America’s dumb-ass mayors from falling for the the scam. (I’m looking at Chicago and Miami specifically.)
Hey Doctor Love!
I just moved into an old apartment building that has laminate flooring on my level, and the creakiest fucking wooden floors you could possibly fathom on the level above me. If the stomping footsteps above me clicked a little more, I would be convinced the neighbor above me was a horse.
The stomping begins at 6-7am and doesn't end until midnight or later most days. What would you do? I'm losing my mind and I've only been here a month.
:) Help me
- Dana [Email]
Dana —
Oh lord. I feel your pain as my good friend went through this same thing while in college. From my seat, you have four options:
Passive-Aggressive: This is the route my friend took. It involved taking a broom handle and banging it against the ceiling whenever “the stampede” started upstairs. The upstairs neighbor never got the hint, though the exercise seemed to cathartic for my friend.
Direct Action: Go knock on their door and raise yours concerns. Not in a mean, “I’ll fuck you up” way, but just in a cordial neighbor way. Most people aren’t aware of the effect they have on the downstairs apartment and will be happy to try to accommodate. However, they have a right to walk around their apartment and it could be a problem with the building’s structure. Which leads to Door No. 3…
Door No. 3: Talk to your landlord. Not in an attempt to tattle on your neighbor, but in a way that mentions this current situation is untenable. They have a right to walk around their apartment, but you also have the right to tranquility. And that balance is your landlord’s responsibility. Maybe they have another apartment in the building into which you could move. If they shirk that responsibility and you can’t tolerate the noise, tell your landlord they’re in violation of your lease and you’ll be moving as soon as possible.
Bunker Solution: If none of these options appease you, play some music to drown out the noise or find some decent earplugs and try to weather the storm.
I would rank these options: 2, 3, 4, 1.
Countdown to Jack Grealish leaving Villa?
- @IanFergusonOH [Twitter]
Ian, you disgusting Tottenham fan… how dare you!
I love talking tweeting about Aston Villa because none of my followers care about my love for a mediocre English soccer club. Does this stop me? Absolutely not. (For the uninitiated, Jack Grealish is our best player and he’s been with the club since he was a child.)
Ian, you might not know how close Tottenham came to securing Jack Grealish’s services after we earned promotion to the Premiere League following the 2019 season. Thank God that deal fell through because I hate you bums! (In no small part because we’ve never beaten you guys in my 13 years of supporting the Villans.)
As for his departure, Grealish just signed a five-year extension last summer. However, Grealish is a world-class player and I think he will eventually leave to try his hand at winning major trophies. Next season will be pivotal. If we earn a spot in the Europa League, I think we’ll retain him for another year or two afterwards. If not, he’ll be off next summer in exchange for 100 million quid.
Which states do you consider midwestern? Top 10 midwestern cities?
- David from Cincinnati [Email]
The states I consider Midwest, which should actually be called the Mideast: Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa and Missouri. That last one might be controversial but I feel Missouri earns a nod due to Nelly and the St. Lunatic’s Midwest Swing. (Video above)
As for the cities, in no order:
Chicago, Illinois
Columbus, Ohio
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Madison, Wisconsin
St. Louis, Missouri
Indianapolis, Indiana
Detroit, Michigan
Cleveland, Ohio
Des Moines, Iowa
Gary, Indiana
Fuck, marry, kill:
State Senator Niraj Antani
Rep. Larry Householder
Rep. Jena Powell
- @PresidentJRich [Twitter]
This is the most disturbing question I have received. It better be the most disturbing question. Anyway, I’ll bite the bullet:
Fuck: Jena Powell. This answer instantly dealt me 10,000 psychic damage. I’m no homophobe, but I’m sorry; I can’t find it in me to fuck Householder or Antani.
Marry: Larry Householder because being in a same-sex marriage would deal him 10,000 points of psychic damage. It would also allow me to visit him in federal prison and mercilessly taunt him until his dying days.
Kill: Niraj Antani. This is the easiest answer. I don’t think a jury in Columbus would convict me, either.
Would you rather be fisted by Rep. Matt Gaetz or bukkaked by Bill Gates?
- @0x465450 [Twitter]
Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you people?
Sounds like Gaetz has a human trafficking problem on his hands, so he’s too busy to do any fisting since I’m not a teenage girl.
I… and I cannot believe I’m about to type this sentence… I would rather be jizzed on by Bill Gates, the billionaire who I could extort for millions of dollars to not release the tape I secretly recorded of him jizzing on my face.
By the way, I feel lucky in that you flubbed the definition of bukkake, which includes multiple jizzers and you only presented one. Regardless, I need a shower.
Who are some dawg check certified centrists?
- @jschlosser12 [Twitter]
Centrists are the antithesis of dawg check because they are ran by the consulting class. However, I do respect Joe Manchin, for as annoyingly tepid as I find his politics, because he is probably the last Democrat that West Virginia will ever send to Congress.
I also like Stacey Abrams and look forward to her becoming the governor of Georgia in 2022.
I’ll add Joe Biden to this list. Sure, he’s on the verge of death and mostly a figurehead, but I did not anticipate him doing his best Lyndon Johnson impression.
He’s already running to the left of Barack Obama. Not that it’s hard to do that considering Obama was an Eisenhower Republican, but it’s a welcome development nonetheless. I love the transit package from the most left-wing president of my lifetime.
My birthday is [today]. What type of liquor should I get absolutely obliterated on? I’ve burnt out on Tito’s and Jameson.
- Sameer [Email]
Happy Birthday, Sameer!
If vodka and Irish whiskey are off the table, the answer is Espolõn tequila. Just don’t be crying next time we hang out about how I’m responsible for you waking up in a Kentucky ditch only wearing one sock.
THOSE WMDs. What to store in your refrigerator’s humidity drawers… The most American religion… The rich are minting money in the pandemic like never before… There’s a better way to parent: Less yelling, less praise… History of the pivot table, the spreadsheet’s most powerful tool.