The Golden Asshole
Why is Upper Arlington the way it is?
Thank God for Cancel Culture. I’ve been wanting to dump Jack Nicklaus in the nearest dumpster for as long as I can remember.
Golf isn’t a sport. It’s a hobby, and who better to represent that joker’s complex than some random rich asshole from the den of serpents that is Upper Arlington? He hit some 18-foot putt during the Reagan Administration on the wannabe slave plantation that is Augusta “National” Golf Course. Oh my god. Who gives a fuck? Apparently a lot more people than me.
Anyway, my jaw detached and fell to the floor when I originally read about that Golden Asshole endorsing Donald Trump for president. But it’s actually such a crystallization of our sadistic times that it goes much deeper than that; it’s something that I need to write an entire blog post about instead of just firing off manic tweets when most men my age are at the breakfast table with their beautiful and adoring families.
Let’s start with Jack’s endorsement. It’s a masterclass in “Insanely evil rich asshole presents himself as a humble man living at the foot of The Cross” literature.
This motherfucker couldn’t even get through one sentence without sounding like an asshole.
Through the years, I have been blessed to personally know several Presidents on both sides of the aisle.
We get it, bro, you fraternize with war criminals and sleep soundly at night. It’s almost like golf is the preferred hobby of the Rich Asshole class.
All were good people.
Narrator: Not one of them were good people.
All loved their country. All believed in the American Dream.
I agree they loved THEIR country. But if they believed in the “American Dream” as is commonly understood then they had a funny way of showing it considering every one of them exacerbated wealth inequality that effectively killed the American Dream for millions of working people.
I have had the privilege over the last 3 1/2 years to get to know our current president a little more as his term has progressed.
No shit? It’s almost as if Trump has spent more time on the golf course enriching his businesses than he has doing actual work. Also, imagine bragging about taking 3.5 years to “get to know” somebody whose primary interests are blow jobs and McDonald’s. This is the stupendous mind of Jack Nicklaus, politics knower. He is sounding more and more like a person I should take seriously.
I have been very disappointed in what he’s had to put up with from many directions, but…
Oh my God. I can’t even do this anymore. My man Scott has the summation:
Every one of those quotes is hogwash in every sense of the word. Actually to call them hogwash is an insult to literal hogwash, which at least has the humble dignity of cleaning otherwise disgusting beasts. What Nicklaus engaged in is the equivalent of walking onto one of his course and saying, “I love the carpet you laid down on your greens, Mr. Nicklaus.”
However, Nicklaus sets the stage with a masterclass in “Rich Asshole presents himself as everyday man living at the foot of The Cross” literature:
I’m just some guy from Ohio and a middle-class family, whose grandfathers both worked on the railroad.
No, Jack. You are not “some guy from Ohio.” Maybe once upon a time you were some guy from some middle-class family, though I’d probably nitpick about your definition of “middle-class.” In reality, you haven’t been “some guy from Ohio” in decades.
And why is it that every Rich Asshole always has to steal labor valor from long-dead ancestors? Son, who gives a fuck what your grandpappy did? It has nothing to do with the tea in China, as we exclusively say down here in The Bottoms.
What you are, Jack, is a multimillionaire taking one last federal handout before we are gracefully relieved of your odious presence in the not-too-distant future.
From Dan Diamond of politico.com in March 2019:
The White House's proposed budget includes funding for a small children's health program sought by one of President Donald Trump's golfing buddies: Jack Nicklaus.
Under the administration's fiscal 2020 funding plan released Monday, HHS would steer $20 million toward a mobile children's hospital project at Miami's Nicklaus Children's Hospital, named for the legendary golfer.
Nicklaus had lobbied Trump on the golf course in Florida, and he met with HHS Secretary Alex Azar and then-OMB Director Mick Mulvaney in Washington, D.C., to request funds, say two individuals with knowledge. Trump personally directed HHS to earmark the funds to help Nicklaus develop mobile children's hospitals, one individual said.
Ah, suddenly that “getting to know” the blowjobs and McDonald’s guy is starting to make a lot more sense.
You see, that’s how it works for Rich Assholes like the Golden Bear. We can’t give $600 more a month in federal unemployment aid because otherwise the poors might value having a live outside of serving capital for starvation wages and we can’t have that.
But a $20 million gift to your golfing buddy? Baby, that’s what Adam Smith called “the invisible hand” of the free market. When you’re rich enough, they let you take it and don’t call it “looting.” You can move on the docile American public like a bitch.
It’s a good grift if you can get it, and who better to angle than some shitty celebrity from the 1980s who is famous for playing the Rich Man’s sport? What I can’t tolerate is the laundering of Rich Asshole aesthetic. You can piss on my leg all you want. Just don’t you dare tell me it’s raining. That’s where I put the line in the sand.