The Rooster's 2022 Midterm Sample Ballot
The Rooster's 2022 Midterm Sample Ballot
May God have mercy on us all.
That crowing in your mailbox shortly before midnight was no misfire. The Rooster visited our old friend, Ohio Secretary of State Frank LaRose. Frank willed “some rope and a tree” to a classmate while another student willed Frank a Confederate flag in their suburban Akron high school yearbook.
It wouldn’t be a shock that the GOP shill who actively disenfranchises Black voters at the ballot box would make a lynching joke as a teenager. He would not be the first, nor would he be the last.
But he spent a lot of time preparing for the day those comments became public.
The Rooster also obtained some glimpses at LaRose’s battle plan should that day come—including a call to his mother and Luke, who ostensibly needed “some rope and a tree” because he drove around with an unmounted tire and LaRose always joked how he only needed “some rope and a tree” to make a tire swing.
LaRose will beat his Democratic challenger today by 15~ points. But at least you, a humble subscriber to The Rooster, can take solace in knowing we nuked his vibes on the eve of his busiest workday of the year.
If LaRose is smart, he won’t say anything while praying no traditional outlets cover this story since it first got reported in the sordid communist rag that once leveled a drunken Urban Meyer in his own restaurant. The good news is he’s not a very smart guy.
If you watch TV tonight, try to watch the BBC’s coverage. Lightyears ahead of American media. Or you could watch Touch the Boulder, the documentary about my failed 2018 Statehouse campaign that the director put on YouTube yesterday:
Here is how I’m voting today, knowing that all my heroes are dead and my enemies are in power. Sorry I didn’t publish this sooner; I only vote on election day anymore since that’s the only way I trust these losers will count my vote, if it’s counted at all.
I would vote for the entire Democratic statewide slate if they could win. They can’t. If an office isn’t listed, write in your candidate. I prefer communist leaders such as Fidel Castro, Ho Chi Minh and yes—Xi Jinping (my president!).
Issue 1: No.
This will enshrine cash bail into our system. Cash bail is bad. Emily Cole of OFUPAC dropped by The Crowcast to explain further.
Issue 2: No.
This fixes a non-existent issue barring “non-citizens” from voting. But also has the bonus of banning 17-year-olds from being able to participate in party primaries as long as they’ll be 18 by November.
Senator: Tim Ryan
Just once in my life, I would love for odious centrists to have to hold their noses and vote for somebody they find morally repugnant—just one time.
I’m only voting for him for the Supreme Court because, as small as it is, there is a chance Ryan could win despite him spending the entire campaign telling me to go fuck myself. As I’ve said, he’ll show his true self when he becomes a lobbyist. You can write that part in stone.
Treasurer: Scott Schertzer
I won’t lie. Schertzer is the mayor of Marion. I’m from Marion. Sometimes politics is just that simple. But if I weren’t from Marion, even I would have no idea who this guy was.
Auditor: Taylor Sappington
It’s a shame the national climate and Ohio’s partisanship will doom Sappington’s campaign. America needs more regular people in office who loathe corruption, and Sappington passes that dawg check with ease. He’s welcome back on The Crowcast any time, and I hope to vote for him for president one day.
State Senator: Tina Maharath
I’m voting for Senator Maharath despite the time she broke up with my friend because he went to the wrong Chipotle to pick up their order. The “Minnesota Maharath” allegations are true, too. She married a fellow State Senator from Minnesota.
But she’s better than Republican Michele Reynolds, who has defended her use of “Jew you down” in a memoir as a sign of respect toward’s Jewish money management.
The Republicans spent $1 million against Maharath in 2018 after she effectively quit the race when the (true) attack ads were unleashed against her. She won by a couple of thousand votes after absentee ballots were counted. Republicans will still have a super-majority in the Senate if she wins or loses.
Other Senators endorsed: Hearcel Craig (15th District)
Other Ohio House candidates endorsed; Latyna M. Humphrey (2nd), Ismail Mohamed (3rd), Beth Liston (8th), Munira Yasin Abdullahi (9th), Russell Harris (10th), Anita Somani (11th).
Supreme Court: Jennifer Brunner, Terri Jamison, and Marilyn Zayas
There was a slight chance that the Democrats could seize the majority on the Ohio Supreme Court. The Republicans made the races partisan so their voters could get their (R) voting symbol next to the preferred names. But I’ll still roll the dice.
“No” on Columbus Issue 14: Never-ending police money pit
Mayor Suburbs accidentally gave this issue away as the one that the police department would pilfer. That’s $300 million up for grabs! Will the police use that money to solve more than half the murders in this city? Absolutely not.
“Yes” on Columbus Issue 15: Parks & Rec
I love parks. We should make the whole city out of parks. The rest of the issues will pass regardless, so vote your heart.
Judicial candidates endorsed by The Rooster:
Kristin Boggs for Judge of the Court of Appeals (10th District)
Julia L. Dorrian for Judge of the Court of Appeals (10th District)
David Leland for Judge of the Court of Appeals (10th District)
Mark A. Serrott for Judge of the Court of Common Pleas
Jeffrey M. Brown for Judge of the Court of Common Pleas
Sheryl Munson for Judge of the Court of Common Pleas
Kimberly Cocroft for Judge of the Court of Common Pleas
Andria Noble for Judge of the Court of Common Pleas
Bill Sperlazza for Judge of the Court of Common Pleas
Douglas Nobles for Judge of the Court of Common Pleas (Domestic Division)
The remaining judges on the ballot are either unqualified, current Republicans, or former Republicans who switched when the electoral tides shifted.
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