The Rooster's January Mailbag

Answering the most burning questions from the rank-and-file readership as we kick off a new year. Including one that made me say, "Oh god."

The monthly mailbags are always one of my favorite installments. I enjoy holding court with readers and talking about issues of the day.

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I apologize in advance if I didn’t answer your question. I’ll be sure to answer a couple more in this week’s return of The Rooster in Review, which should arrive in your mailboxes around 12:30 p.m. ET.

But let’s get on to the show. Starting with the first question that ever made me say, “Oh my god” out loud.

What's the most Marion thing you did in your younger years that you now regret?

You mean other than the cavalier attitude toward my education and falling into a vortex of substance abuse that almost killed me? Most of my regrets flow from those original sins.

But I’ll give you a PG story from the vault.

My friends and I used to go through the McDonald’s Drive-Thru on Delaware Avenue and order the large, 44-ounce milkshake. We’d then spin the block and toss them out the window at the goths hanging outside the already dilapidated Marion Mall. We never missed.

Sometimes, we would double back and pick off the remaining stragglers. They often saw us coming on the double-back and would run. It gave a thrill akin to a cheetah running down a gazelle on the Sahara. I can still hear their screams of terror and the splat of the styrofoam cups smashing into their backs.

You have to remember that Marion was a boring town for teenagers, and this was considered the height of entertainment in 2004. It could also have been considered criminal assault to various degrees, but we were never caught.

I look back and shake my head. Getting hit with a milkshake while minding your own business is foul play. You pretty much have to go home and shower. I would apologize to any of our victims today, and they would be within their rights to punch me in the face.

We had it coming.

You mentioned how the Dem mayors won’t be running statewide because they lack talent, juice etc. What about Mayor Suburbs? Shannon Hardin is coming for his ass.

Mayor Suburbs would never run for higher office in a million years because he loathes campaigning, and he wouldn’t leave his fiefdom for an uphill battle like running as a Democrat statewide in Ohio.

But yes, City Council President Shannon Hardin appears tired of playing second fiddle to a boring, mostly hated cracker like Suburbs.

Columbus City Attorney Zach Klein is also said to be in the mix. Frankly, this city could use an open and honest election between multiple viable candidates.

As things stand, I’d support Hardin. I have obviously had criticisms in the past and will in the future, but getting Suburbs out of the paint is a priority for the city's city's future. And I’ll take Hardin over Klein, who was a Republican until he ran for office in a Democratic city.

I’ve expected Suburbs to resign before his term is out and take some swanky corporate job, and let the Franklin County Democratic Central Committee pick his successor.

But from what I understand, Suburbs is telling everybody he won’t run from a fight. We’ll see! Seeing him have to campaign against someone other than Joe Motil would be hilarious.

And considering Motil got 33% of the vote by spending $10,000 and being a Regular Dude About Town—I don’t see a path forward for Suburbs. But there’s a lot of ball to play.

Who was your composition in high school? You write very well.

Oooh, the haters and losers, of which there are many, are sick after this compliment! But thank you.

There are four people I credit for a perceived grasp of the English language:

• My mother for indoctrinating me with a love of reading from a very young age.

• Mrs. Hawkins, 7th Grade English teacher at Eber Baker Middle School.

• Mr. Schnaars, 9th Grade English teacher at Marion Harding High School.

• Mr. Sample, 10th Grade English teacher at Marion Harding High School.

I recently said this on Twitter, but it’s true: I am a devout defender of public education because a small cabal of teachers in my primary education is the only reason I can sometimes pass as a semi-educated person in professional circles.

Is passenger rail expansion in Ohio dead as long as Huffman controls the Statehouse?

The train lobby will try to pass the funding in the transportation budget, but Huffman said in 2022 that he’s “not enthusiastic” about passenger rail and that someone still needs to “figure out” why it would be “better than taking a car.”

It’s further proof of why it’s my opinion that he’s a domestic terrorist because he’d rather cut taxes for the wealthy and open our state parks to fracking than pay the moderate fees to maintain a tepid passenger rail network.

My understanding, however, is that Big Business backs the train. But it’s hard to get excited about that proposition considering Huffman’s control of the Statehouse, plus Trump returning to the White House and Ohio’s next governor almost assuredly being leagues worse than Governor Grandpa Sleepy Tea.

As usual with Ohio, I expect the worst in this scenario to soften the blow of disappointment. I won’t be mad if I’m wrong, though.

Are Ohio Republican primary voters too racist to elect a brown man with the last name Ramaswamy for governor?

Generally speaking and under normal circumstances, yes. But not if Ramaswamy comes to the table with Donald Trump’s Complete & Total Endorsement. That’s the only thing that will matter in that race.

Some say you're the Johnny Hamcheck of politics. What do you think of that?

Hamcheck is a skilled prankster, but I am the D.J. Byrnes of politics. No disrespect to that man intended.

Update on the calories, money, and time saved since you stopped drinking? Also, same for medical marijuana?

According to my tracker, Nomo:

• Alcohol: 899 days, which has saved 2,567 hours, 1,245,059 calories and $38,507.

• Weed (remember I relapsed last summer like a dumbass after a year of abstaining): 177 days, which has saved 253 hours and $10,142.

I miss weed a lot more than alcohol.

But it’s like booze for me in that it’s never a single indulgence. Maybe it will be different in the next life, but in this one, it’s all or nothing for me, unfortunately.

Staying off the weed, however, has been a boon for my mental clarity and cycling benchmarks. Not to mention the boost to the pocketbook.

Titty Island goal update?

We’re well on our way, patriots.

The Business Line continues its ascension. It’s now just a matter of getting a marketable product in front of new people.

If you believe in the #brand, please tell your friends and feel free to forward them any dispatches. I’ve found word-of-mouth is the best advertisement that money can’t buy.

Do you think Huffman’s comments about education will cause divisions in the GOP?

They already have.

Huffman’s comments about the Cupp-Patterson school funding “fix” being “unsustainable” alarmed several State Representatives who voted for Huffman. He’s friends with former Speaker Bob Cupp, a fellow resident of Lima who takes pride in his “fix” of Ohio’s public school funding formula, which was illegal for over 20 years.

Huffman has achieved universal school vouchers in Ohio, which are little more than a billion-dollar wealth transfer to the state’s wealthiest families.

Last year, Ohio became the first state in the country to give private schools money ($5 million in this test case) to expand their campuses. Governor DeWine just signed a bill that mandates public schools allow released time for religious instruction.

And it’s not good enough for Huffman in a state where, last I checked, roughly 88 percent of students attend public schools. The disdain is almost as staggering as the arrogance. It will be the first significant policy fight where he’ll face significant opposition from within his caucus.

And I will gladly ally with any Republican who has the constitution to stand against a tyrant like Huffman.

Will the City of Columbus attempt to claw back the tax abatement/incentives given to Big Lots?

For those unfamiliar, Big Lots declared bankruptcy in September, eight years after Columbus gave the conglomerate a 10-year, 100-percent tax abatement (read: a $12.8 million tax break) to move its headquarters within city limits.

The first sign of trouble, in retrospect, was in June when Big Lots reworked its abatement to include a related company under its umbrella to meet its requirements for those abatements:

But no, Columbus will not receive a single penny of that money back. The city never tries to claw back that money; it only cancels the abatement into the future if the company asks.

So, for those scoring at home, Columbus never received a penny in taxes for the move.

When I’m president, we’re banning tax abatements on a federal level. They create a race to the bottom between our states and municipalities and shift the tax burden from corporations and special interests to everyday citizens.

Which Ohio politician would most likely have an affair with Donald Trump?

Secretary of State Frank LaRose. That man would bounce on Trump’s flaccid pink penis in front of 10,000 TV cameras if it meant he would earn the upcoming Senate appointment.

Any final thoughts on the bizarre Juanita Brent vs Elliot Forhan saga? It received very little coverage in Cleveland. But in the end, Rep Brent's accusations (some of which were shot down in court) led to Forhan losing the primary and his seat.

From my understanding, a Cleveland judge shot down all the salacious claims that Rep. Brent leveled against her now-former colleague.

Unfortunately for Forhan, his previous erratic behavior and behavior after that exoneration sealed his fate as a one-term State Representative.

I bear no malice toward Forhan despite some of our battles on social media. But current State Rep. Eric Synenberg is an upgrade for constituents by any measurement that matters.

Update question: Has Ohio State head football coach Ryan Day beaten the charges? The answer is no and yes, right?

Right.

Ryan Day can only beat the charges by hoisting the College Football Playoff Trophy.

But it’s looking good for him, as is State Rep. Tim Barhorst’s prediction that Day will win the national championship before taking a job in the NFL.

I was recommended G&R Tavern in Waldo as a good lunch spot when visiting family in Delaware. Is this a worthwhile recommendation?

You know it’s a respectable spot because it’s still cash-only. However, the world-famous fried bologna sandwich isn’t my cup of tea.

What’s your take on the newly elected Derrick Hall (D-Akron)? He pissed a lot of people off on the way to the Statehouse. Will he actually do anything?

Well, he’s in a superminority legislative party, so there’s a steel ceiling on what he can accomplish, even if he proves to be an effective legislator.

But I saw Hall on Monday and realized I don’t know much about him. I’d love to hear what he did to piss people off en route to Capitol Square. Anyone with knowledge can submit that information to me anonymously.

Which new lawmaker in the Statehouse are you most excited to get on camera?

The snake handler herself, State Rep. Diane Mullins (R-Hamilton). And I’ll just let her words do the talking.

When are you starting the Rooster Statehouse tours?

March.

I apologize for the delay. The rehab of my broken ankle took much longer than I thought, and now it’s winter, so I want to wait until the weather breaks.

Would you ever consider becoming a spokesperson for Niraj Antani’s campaign for Secretary of State?

Ha! That would be a helluva thing. I’ve honestly been waiting for a Republican smart enough to make me a godfather offer to get me out of the blogging game and curry favor with their colleagues.

But Antani is too smart to smart to hire me for the campaign. That would cost him votes in what I expect to be a cutthroat primary against State Senator Theresa Gavarone (R-Bowling Green).

THOSE WMDs. How Hitler dismantled a democracy in 53 days… The school shootings were fake, but the terror was real… The U.S. soldiers returning to Vietnam in search of mass graves… The joy of clutter… The agony of texting with men.