The Rooster's Resolutions v. 2.023
Looking ahead at the year to come.
The trick to fulfilling a New Year’s Resolution is to start the new behavior much earlier than New Year’s Day with low stakes.
That way a temporary slip can be managed without shame of thinking you’re doomed for the entire next year.
In 2023, I want to bike 4,000 miles and continue abstaining from all forms of alcohol. I biked 2,000 miles in 2022, which is somewhat impressive considering I spent half the year blacked out on vodka and only got a road bike in early October after starting the hobby in May.
As for drinking, the train has already left the station, too. Whatever excuse you’re telling yourself as to why you can’t stop drinking, it’s bullshit. I promise you. I thought football season would be impossible. It was easy. I financed an all-expenses-paid,10-day international trip by not drinking Tito’s for five months. My only regret is not quitting sooner.
My last personal resolution is to leave America by the Fourth of July. My dream started by wanting to leave Ohio, but it’s not as if California, New York, or Illinois are worker utopias. (I’d rather die than move to Boston.)
I want to live somewhere I can walk, bike and ride trains in and out of the city. I have to leave America to do that.
London, Mexico City, Utrecht, Dublin and Paris are the early leaders. I’m 35 with no children. I can do all my work overseas. If not now, when?
I no longer see the sense in living within the fictitious yet very real jurisdiction of the same powerful people that I regularly insult and harass. If I believed half of what I write about our leaders, why would I continue to pay them taxes borne of the mind they worked their damnedest to destroy? They can’t even give me a bus system that runs on time, let alone a train that connects the state’s biggest cities.
It’s not like I’m asking for alien technology. Life is too short to get clipped by a suburbanite texting while piloting his 4,500-pound SUV at 45 mph down Parsons Avenue.
OK, that’s nice, but what about The Rooster?
The Rooster’s No. 1 resolution in 2022 was to appease the business line. It was another record-setting year in sales.
The dispatches will continue in 2023. I may relax the editorial schedule to allow me to do more Big J journalism stuff like Frank LaRose’s racist high school yearbook or a profile with Red Lobster Joe. I figure that is a more sustainable business model than My Daily Grievance. Any change will be broadcasted from the top of the mountain, you can believe that.
What any change looks like remains to be seen. If you feel passionate about this issue one way or another, feel free to comment below or respond to this email. Tomorrow’s issue will further solicit questions and comments from my beloved audience.
The other two goals were a podcast and t-shirt sales. The Crowcast hit its once-fulfilled its destiny as the No. 1 gothic horror/dark fantasy podcast on Spotify. The Crowcast will continue in 2023, though I will never be as good at talking as I am at typing. If you know anyone that would make a compelling guest, send them my way.
I was hoping to get the shirts online in time to capitalize on the 2022 holiday season, but I couldn’t thread the needle of affordability/quality. I’d also like to establish a third party site rather than take personal orders through Venmo and get my accounts flagged by a Republican bureaucrat at the IRS office in Cincinnati.
The t-shirt project has been my personal Vietnam. I’m hoping to get those online in the first quarter of 2023, but if anyone has any industry connections, I’m all ears. The designs are not the problem.
Other than that, I don’t forsee a lack of scumbags and public malfeasance to cover. It’s like the meme says, all my idols are dead and my enemies are in power.
That’s bad for Ohio, but it will always be good for business.
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THOSE WMDs. How to make a classic Chai Latte… An obsessive aristocrat, rediscovered paintings and an art-world feud… How to get rid of brown spots in your houseplants… How anger affects the body… Columbo and class disruption.
May I recommend an amazing small business person located here in Florida for all of your t-shirt needs? I love her and her custom work. Her shirt quality is top notch. Please, please pick a v-neck. Alexandra Marousek zanydudesigns@gmail.com
Fantastic! Go to Portugal, it's one of the easiest European countries to immigrate to that does not require a job or home ownership. Check out the D7 Visa, I was able to get my Portuguese tax ID for a cool $90.