The Rooster's Top 5 Most Wanted in 2023
If the FBI must exist such as it is, let their jack-booted thugs descend upon this list of miserable losers.
Part of life as a communist in Ohio is accepting that the Federal Bureau of Investigation is the only institution capable of stemming the rampant corruption that runs through every level of government.
The FBI sent two undercover jokers whose blatantly ostentacious lifestyle would have blown the entire operation against then-Cincinnati Council President P.G. Sittenfeld if he weren’t too greedy to look past the advice of his top advisors to walk away from the deal.
Former Speaker Larry Householder is set for trial next month. He appears ready to risk it all on a jury of his peers. Bold strategy. We’ll see if it works out for him. But again, the only reason he is currently facing life in prison is because the FBI wiretapped his phone days after he won his return to the Speakership. It’s not like Creepy Dave Yost over at the State Attorney General’s office was ever a threat.
No. Seeing these crooks suffer even so much as an FBI raid is about as close to a whiff of justice as we will get when talking about most the scumbags in our government. It’s not like the FBI can pinch them all, either.
But if I had to name five that I could instantly condemn to a life in federal prison such as it has existed under their reign, that’s an easy list to compile.
No. 5: Disgraced PUCO Chairman Sam Randazzo (R-Obviously)
We start our list with the most likely man to actually be arrested in 2023: Former Ohio Public Utilities Commission Chairman Sam Randazzo.
Randazzo is the longtime fossil fuel and utility lawyer that Governor Mike DeWine, despite warnings, hand-selected to regulate those very same industries days after he had accepted a $4.3 million bribe from his former employer, First Energy.
That type of coincidence is enough to get your assets frozen and your German Village condo raided by the FBI. (Note: Randazzo’s assets have since been unfrozen since the presumption of innocence still applies to the rich in this country.)
The HB-6 scandal goes directly to Governor DeWine’s desk, but when was the last time you saw a guy like DeWine frog-marched into prison? It’s a tantalizing thought, to be sure, but let’s be realistic.
I’d still enjoy watching Randazzo eat shit. Because in Ohio, for every DeWine, there are 10 gremlins working in the shadows applying the bureaucratic grease for corrupt deals like HB-6. Hey, gotta make a living, right?
Randazzo made a career by fucking working people (and not in the good way, either). He spent decades eating gruel for fossil fuel companies, polluting the Earth and enabling every other Republican hobgoblin project in the state.
He did it because he never thought he would see any consequences for his actions. That’s just how business works in Ohio. Raid aside, he could be right!
No. 4: Councilman Rob Dorans (D-Columbus)
Rob Dorans is far from the evilest member of Columbus City Council (that would be Shannon Hardin). Dorans is not the most corrupt, either. (That would be Republican Realtor Remy.).
Dorans is just some fucking guy who wants to attend normalcore concerts and rate every local pizza joint as five stars. That a man this generic worked his way into the halls of power shows you how damned this city really is.
Dorans makes the list because he narrowly beats out Cleveland Mayor Justin Bibb as the funniest possible arrest in the state.
No. 3: Mayor Suburbs (D-Columbus)
Columbus’ mayor is the equivalent of $3 taquito at Speedway. The man loves playing golf and selling out the city’s working class in favor of wealthy suburbanites and corporate donors.
All I want is a bus system that reliably runs every 15 minutes (more than half of the seven-minute gold standard) and a protected bike grid! It’s not like I’m asking for the moon.
But I might as well be. Because Mayor Suburbs has no ambition past being the tinpot dictator of a wannabe metropolitan city. He will maintain the status quo and win with 70 percent of the 15 percent of the city that actually votes in local elections. What can I say? We love our slop in Columbus.
No. 2: State Senate President Matt Huffman (R-Lima)
Make no mistake, if State Senate President Matt Huffman (R-Lima) keeled over on his shitter tomorrow morning, the Ohio Republican Senate Caucus would replace him with somebody just as evil.
Huffman is coming off a major humbling in the Lame Duck Legislature, in which his inflated ego caused his Ohio House colleagues to rebuff his attempt to use transgender teenage athletes and anti-vax nonsense as bargaining chips cajole them into voting for his plan to gut the Democrat-controlled State School Board and give those powers to unelected bureaucrats in the governor’s office.
But Huffman has proven to be an effective legislator in his time. He’s going to switch to the Ohio House when he terms out of the Senate, too.
There would be a no more satisfying arrest. And while that remains unlikely, in Ohio there’s always a non-zero percent chance any elected politician can be pinched for public corruption at any time. Let us pray.
No. 1: State Senator Niraj Atani (R-Sewer)
Senator Sewer retains his spot as Public Enemy No. 1. But don’t worry, The Rooster is on his ass.
Honorable mentions: Cleveland mayor Justin Bibb (D), former Senate candidate Josh Mandel (R), Senator-elect J.D. Vance (D), Hamilton County Auditor Dusty Rhodes (D), and State Rep. Brian Stewart (R-Ashville).
THOSE WMDs. Nine things I learned as a wedding plan for billionaires… The Great Muppet Caper is a lovely crime movie… Devouring the heart of Portugal… Southwest’s Christmas meltdown shows how corporations pit low-wage workers vs. customers… Cuyahoga County bindover disparities raise questions.
Nice I made the list