When they go low
Sometimes, the most effective offense is a puerile joke about your opponent fornicating with his grandmother's couch.
I don’t shame people for not voting. It’s not my job to inspire people to vote. It’s understandable why many Americans, who are mostly overworked and underpaid, feel that voting is pointless.
But I see politics as a 24/7 endeavor. It’s connected to everything you do, whether you see it or not.
Ultimately, voting is a small, imperfect tool in the eternal struggle against the sociopathic parasites that horde wealth and dream of burning down American society so they can rule over the ashes.
And while setbacks are inevitable in any long-term campaign of that magnitude, I no longer see the point in despair.
“Despair is typical of those who do not understand the causes of evil, see no way out, and are incapable of struggle,” Vladamir Lenin said in a quote that I have been thinking about a lot lately.
Personally, I’ll never log off. I’ll never walk away from the table because that only helps my sworn enemies. It’s easy to become cynical and jaded, especially when you’re drinking enough vodka on a weekly basis to kill a police horse like I used to do.
It’s harder to stay in the fight.
And frankly, it’s been much easier to stay in the fight these past few weeks. It seems like just yesterday that Joe Biden’s shooters were yelling at me and Sherrod Brown on Twitter for saying that Sleepy Joe Biden, the 81-year-old man who can no longer speak coherently in public, might not make for the best nominee.
But then a funny thing happened.
Joe Biden stepped aside, and thanks to his almost instantaneous endorsement, the Democratic Party quickly coalesced around Vice President Kamala Harris.
Even crazier, the Democratic Party made two good decisions in a row.
Yesterday, Harris selected Minnesota governor Tim Walz, a lovable centrist endorsed by Senator Bernie Sanders and House Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi, as her running mate. (Pelosi, to her credit, has moved Heaven and Earth in the past two weeks to save us from disaster. As others have said, she’s free to do some insider trading this week as a little treat. She’s earned it.)
Suddenly, it seems Donald Trump regrets spending the first half of the year making the 2024 election a referendum on old age and fading mental acuity. He spent yesterday writing Republican fan fiction on Truth Social, a somehow even more demented version of Twitter:
Hmmm, Mr. President Business Deals, sir. I would say the chances of that happening are somewhere between zero and Hell freezing over. Are you sure it’s not your brain that has turned to applesauce?
The Vibe Shift has been unreal because the Republicans, starting with that demon Ronald Reagan, have bullied the Democrats my entire adult life—even when the Democrats have somehow won an election.
This tweet from 2018 surmises the situation better than I ever could:
It’s been frustrating watching unpopular Republicans enforce an unpopular agenda while Democrats shriek about policy and morality.
Would it be nice to live in a world where everyone acted like adults and we calmly discussed policy differences? Sure. It would also be nice to have a 10-inch penis and have sex with both sexes on camera for a living. But you don’t see me crying about having to live in reality.
America is a hog country where the worst sin in politics is to be boring. Democrats got away with it in 2020 thanks to COVID-19, but we were on the fast track to oblivion in November.
And now, in these past three weeks… the Democrats seem to be learning!? Just last night, Tim Walz, the patronly governor of Minnesota, wasted little time making a thinly veiled joke about J.D. Vance fucking couches:
That hastily ripped video, which I put together while cooking burrito ingredients in my husband’s kitchen, garnered 1.6 million views in a little over four hours.
Do you think a 15-second video of Walz tsk-tsking J.D. Vance as the Morality Police would have traveled that far? No. Not at all. Even Vice President Harris could barely keep from laughing, and she probably knew the joke was coming.
The other side gets off on being portrayed as villains. It’s true that they are villains, of course, but that doesn’t stop the other side from feverishly masturbating about when Democrats get weepy about democracy.
What the other side cannot stand is being painted as the shrill, out-of-touch weirdos that they have been since a very young age. They think their bitterness and bullying of marginalized communities have made them Serious People since those days, but all it takes is a little bit of laughter to send back to their trauma-induced childhoods.
Go read some of the responses to my tweet. Conservatives of all types, from the Never Trump Respectability Republicans to the stone-cold freaks screeching about pedophilia, all make appearances in a thread where they are basically crying that no, no— a dog can’t play basketball! It’s against the rules.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do I have my criticisms of Kamala and Walz? Absolutely. But the only politician I have ever agreed 100% with is myself, and a lot of good that did me. MAGA voters in Western Ohio stuffed a gag in my mouth and threw me into the Miami River.
Thankfully, that failure played a direct role in this blog you’re reading today. Because, again, I refuse to log off.
Until the revolution comes, these are the rules of the game. And in this game, you have to get in the trenches because it’s life and death for people on the margins.
It’s not a hard decision for me. That we are starting to laugh at these bums makes it that much easier, though.
LOCAL ELECTIONS MATTER
It wasn’t all fun and games yesterday, sadly. HB-68, which bans gender-affirming care for minors and transgender athletes from participating in their appropriate sports divisions, will go into effect thanks to Franklin County Judge Michael Holbrook, one of the last elected Republicans standing in our Democratic city.