Valentine's Day, 2019: Jimmy Haslam's Fragile Ego

Dwayne Haskins showcases QB1 skills, teachers armed in at least 43 buildings, and more.

Gotta hand it to the geniuses at Hallmark. Inventing a romance holiday out of thin air to create a billion-dollar industry was a stroke of genius. Maybe in 2020 I’ll finally try my hand at capitalism.

The funniest thing about any baby boomer billionaire is they have spent the better part of their adult lives surrounded by sycophants which means their fragile psyches are incapable of handling any criticism.

Take — and I’m just randomly pulling a name out of a box, folks — Browns owner Jimmy Haslam, who was recently insulted enough by an internet column to pull Pilot J out of a multiyear advertising deal with ESPN.

From Michael Smith of sportsbusinessdaily.com:

Pilot Flying J is pulling its extensive advertising and sponsorship agreement with ESPN two years into a four-year deal, sources say, after ESPN.com ran a critical story on the inner workings of the Browns. Jimmy Haslam, who owns the Browns with his wife, Dee, also is Pilot Flying J’s CEO. The brand’s multi-platform deal with ESPN included significant advertising around college football, an SEC corporate sponsorship that made it the conference’s official travel center, and agreements for ESPN talent Paul Finebaum and Laura Rutledge to endorse the brand. ESPN owns all of the SEC’s marketing and media rights, which is why it sold the league sponsorship.

Sounds like Seth Wickersham struck a nerve with truthful reporting. I love the image of Haslam reading the article and getting angrier and angrier before deciding to end an advertising deal his marketing executives thought would benefit the company.

Now he has a glance into how Browns fans felt every Sunday during the 0-16 season. The only difference is we had no recourse with our criminal owner except rooting for the federal government to put him in prison, which it failed to do.

Last summer, when I wrote for Eleven Warriors, I would hype Dwayne Haskins by saying something like, “He’s going to be good!” and some yahoo would inevitably comment, “What about Joe Burrow?”

“Well… what about him?” I’d always want to reply. Instead I was left wondering why half the fanbase thought Burrow would start over Haskins, the guy who had bailed out Urban Meyer and J.T. Barrett in Ann Arbor just a few months prior. It’s a mystery that flummoxes me to this day.

Anyway, if you want to kill some of your boss’s time, the video of Haskins analyzing film is a fascinating look into what should make him the No. 1 QB taken in the 2019 NFL Draft.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t end up in Cincinnati or Pittsburgh. I’d probably wake up the next day more hungover than that time the Browns drafted a 48-year-old Vietnam veteran to play quarterback with a first-round pick..

My fiancée works in a school, and I’ll never forget the first time I visited her during the lunch day. In my day, schools would let any random motherfucker breeze through because every door was unlocked.

Now it’s like entering a prison since America will do anything to prevent school shootings other than make it harder for mentally unstable men to purchase and possess military-grade assault weapons.

In Ohio, we armed the teachers.

From Laura A. Bischoff of mydaytondailynews.com:

COLUMBUS — Controlled door access, visitor screening and mass notification systems are the most common measures used in Ohio schools to protect kids and teachers, according to a new statewide survey sent to 5,620 buildings.

Panic buttons, radio hookups to first responders, protective windows and physical barriers are used in fewer schools, according to the 63-page report from the Ohio Department of Public Safety and Ohio Facilities Construction Commission.

Staff are armed in at least 43 school buildings across the state, according to the survey results.

Looking back on my career, I can’t think of one teacher that I would want toting a gun in the class room or having my back in a firefight against a deranged madman. But hey, maybe it’s true that only a Language Arts teacher with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.

As anyone who has drank more than three beers with me will attest: One of my life passions is spreading awareness about the nut-cases currently in control of our state government.

Here is the latest example from a Cincinnati-area Republican.

From Kevin Gasha of cincinnati.com:

A woman who gave birth to twins adopted by State Rep. Sara Carruthers alleges the lawmaker promised her money if she continued to keep quiet about their "illegal adoption contract."

The lawsuit alleges Carruthers, a Republican from Hamilton, made promises to the woman to “induce her into not disclosing the illegal adoption contract” to her opponents or the media.

It says Carruthers, who ran last year as a first-time candidate, "had no intention of fulfilling" those promises.

On Wednesday, Carruthers released a statement, saying:

"This lawsuit is simply the latest effort by this individual to extort money from me. It has no merit and is designed to pressure me into giving someone money who is not owed anything, nor deserves anything from me, by threatening to make public the adoption of my children. I will not be bullied, and I respectfully ask the media to not report on this lawsuit because doing so will only hurt my children, who deserve to be free from adult intimidation and attacks."

Carruthers is a co-sponsor of the heartbeat abortion bill, and she at least gets more credit than most of her colleagues for (allegedly) committing a crime to adopt children.

She’s a true believer, unlike most of the names on that list who are attacking women’s healthcare for cheap political points with militant one-issue voters.

You probably looked at the above picture and didn’t see a man who fucks in three states. That will teach you the perils of judging a man by his Mountain Dew mugshot t-shirt.

From cincinnati.com:

COLUMBUS — A Maine man who is accused of being married to three different women in three different states is behind bars in Ohio.

A warrant was issued when 43-year-old Michael Middleton missed a court appearance Thursday in New Hampshire. A day later, he was arrested in Ohio. The Franklin County Sheriff's Department tweeted that the "Cupid of Chaos" was awaiting extradition.

Charges were brought in New Hampshire because Middleton married a woman there while also being married to women in Alabama and Georgia.

Like Rep. Carruthers, you almost gotta hand it to the guy for dedication. He could’ve had an extramarital affair like every other scumbag in America. Instead he planned and executed three weddings! That bravery should almost absolve him of any other crime.

THOSE WMDs. President 18 Holes installed a $50,000, room-sized golf simulator in the White House… Prime Time Sports forced to close after removing Nike apparel to protest Colin Kaepernick… Transportation director: Ohio needs $1 billion for roads, bridges… Secret love child aside, Warren G. Harding was a solid president... Film Study: What Justin Fields brings to Ohio State’s offense… The Mecca stampede that made history… Criminal shocked when Congresswoman says crimes out loud.