Vivek Ramaswamy's possible Lieutenant Governors, ranked

Will the notorious conman choose the Christian fascist or the lawyer loaf of Wonderbread? And why it won't be Third Place Frank LaRose.

This dispatch is too long for email. Please open your browser to view in full.

It’s good to know that the notorious conman Vivek Ramaswamy is the type of 40-year-old who celebrates “a birthday weekend.”

After dining at Agni on Friday night with his closest associates, Ramaswamy took to the Veterans Museum in what the developers call “East Franklinton” on Saturday night, where all the biggest political freaks came to kiss his ring.

It feels like surviving another year is the baseline expectation for an American centimillionaire like Ramaswamy. He’s playing the game on easy mode! It’s not an accomplishment worthy of a celebration.

However, even as Ramaswamy’s No. 1 hater, there’s no denying that he’s the rising force in Republican politics, even if he's trying to use the governor’s mansion as a stepping stone to the White House, which he’ll never do.

With Ramaswamy consolidating power and Lieutenant Governor Jim Tressel seemingly missing the boat to get into the race, the biggest question has become, who will be the No. 2 on the ticket?

Here are three (read: two) names to watch going forward.

3. Secretary of State Third Place Frank LaRose (R-Loser)

Secretary of State Frank LaRose, who is currently running for the less prestigious office of State Auditor, turned heads a couple of weeks ago when he introduced Conman to his “friends” in the construction trades.

LaRose started his political career as a Republican “friend” to labor, until former governor John “No. 1 Asshole” Kasich successfully bullied him into flip-flopping and providing a pivotal vote to pass SB-5 through the State Senate.

In retaliation, SEIU leaked his phone number and allowed its members to drag his voicemail to Hell and back.

Frankly, every labor leader should be embarrassed to pose alongside LaRose and Ramaswamy, two unprincipled jackals who will say anything for their next political promotion.

But Ramaswamy allowing LaRose to shine his shoes in that matter is, hilariously, a notable event for those looking to glean information about Ramaswamy’s possible running mate.

However, three separate sources deadpanned the idea of Ramaswamy selecting LaRose.

“They think he’s too much of a try-hard,” said one prominent Republican.

“All I can guarantee is that it won’t be LaRose,” said another.

“He wants it too much,” a former state legislator said about LaRose’s aura. “You can never show that you want it too much.”

2. Dungeon Master Kristina Roegner (R-Hudson)

Kristina Roegner is perhaps the freakiest (derogatory) State Senator in the game.

Roegner is currently one of three candidates running for State Treasurer, though she’s the only one with a husband wealthy enough to loan $500,000 in seed money to her campaign.

Roegner, who multiple sources believe is currently vacationing in Germany, where her husband owns a vacation home, would check two important boxes for Ramaswamy. She’s a woman who could lend his campaign Christian credibility.

“If Ramaswamy chooses Roegner, it would be an admission that they’re worried about Evangelicals turning out,” one Republican campaigner said.

However, Roegner would come with her own baggage.

“They think she’s weird,” said one Republican familiar with a recent Ramaswamy campaign meeting on the topic.

Another Republican friend pointed out that Roegner has looked at running for Congress, but the National Republican Committee doesn’t love her extremist anti-abortion positions, which they see as a liability in a General Election.

1. Senate President Rob McColley (R-Napoleon)