Welcome to Rooster News: Major Crimes Unit
Announcing the next phase of The Rooster's little scheme, and it's led by our new our newest hire: Statehouse Lead Investigator, Don Byrnes.
The Rooster is dead. Long live The Rooster.
For the last two months, with the so-called Statehouse Media down in Cincinnati, watching our sweet, sweet boy Larry Householder take the fall in what’s ultimately a show trial for the true criminals behind the HB-6 scheme, I’ve spent my time watching film at 1 Capital Square where the real players never rest:
Did you know they call me the Swamphouse Shooter in the darkest depths of the Statehouse? Did you know so-called contenders are actually terrified of my presence? Probably not. That all sounds fantastical and egomaniacal—unless you were there on the killing floor.
The last two months were all of what I originally dubbed, “Operation: Ruin Derek Merrin’s New Year’s Eve Plans,” as I stated on Jan. 1st, 2018 (emphasis mine):
My only goal was to ruin Merrin’s New Year’s Eve plans, whatever they may be. This is a holy war, as I see it, and it’s not like I can vote thse bums out of office or even join a burgeoning communist militia movement deep in Hocking Hills.
Any result stemming from the report would be funny to me. The funniest outcome would be Merrin losing the position. That could happen according to sources in both parties, and it would be hilarious if it did.
From that humble beginning, what was once merely a drunken, daily screed quickly evolved into a high-tempo psychological operation to sniff out the true players in the Statehouse.
You’d be surprised by the respect you can earn if you take things The Statehouse Way, which is by bloody conquest. Anything else is for rank amateurs satisfied with schlepping for a lifetime in exchange for a crumb of respect from the few who actually matter in that little game of theirs.
You might have seen some of my tweets. You might have seen some videos. But, unless you were actually in the sewers slingin’ darts in The Swamp — where the real hitters are every day, waging Holy War for the people they truly care about — you are living off the crumbs of information provided to you by the actual operators who witnessed the carnage first-hand. Point. Blank. Period.
And by unleashing my campaign of terror, I learned more about the Statehouse in two months than I did half a lifetime on the street as a drunken loser.
And let me tell you the ultimate truth, my friends. The Game ain’t about Left vs. Right. It’s not about Democrats or Republicans. Those are petty arguments in the Holy War that must first be waged to fix what truly ails our State government. Do you care about that war as much as me? Probably not. But thankfully, as a loyal member of President Xi Jinping’s Patriots Caucus, you don’t have to.
To properly tell that story, however, The Rooster must die. Don’t cry. The Rooster, as memorable as it was, was a low-rent cheap shot artist who only put down the bottle of Tito’s six months ago.
The Rooster is gone but not forgotten.
This week, I’m going on vacation. As the second-highest-ranking member of the Patriots Caucus told me recently, “It’s time to relax, kid. Take a breather. You’ve earned it.”
So that’s what I’m doing. But the next time I return, which will be next week, it will be under the Rooster News umbrella, whatever that may look like. But one thing is clear: This previously low-rent operation is going to look a lot different around here when I get back. And it’s going to have some respect on its name.
We’ve hired a new gumshoe as our Lead Statehouse Investigator: Some guy by the name of Don Byrnes. I don’t know much about him! I’m sure we’ll see what he’s about soon.
Until then, The Patriots Caucus is arming for war, and it needs all the allies it can muster.
Please tell a friend to tell a friend about this project. The true Holy War is only beginning.
Can't wait!!!
Rock on Don.